Avoidance is Not a Game Plan - Christine Kane

She huffs at me.

“Well, yea. I’m clear that I want to write. I know that I could write a book. But I’m not going to pursue it.”

“You’re not?” I ask.

“No.”

Long silence.

I’m on a coach call with Sylvia, one of my Platinum Coaching Clients.  She’s been steadily moving forward in the past months, creating new adventures for herself, and of course – hitting a few obstacles too.  Like this one.

“Can I ask why?” I say.

“Because all my life I’ve been driven. I can get anything done I want to do.  And I’ve been able to do that by being driven. And I don’t want to be driven when it comes to writing. So, I don’t want to make this a goal cuz I’m tired of that part of myself.”

———–

Fear is funny.  It seems to know when it can’t get in the front door. So it tip-toes around to the back, finds a window that was left open a crack, hoists it open and makes its way inside.

A seemingly practical avoidance of our flaws is one of fear’s favorite B&E tactics.

I’m not immune to it either.  Years after being totally healed from an eating disorder, I still refused to step on a scale, enter a gym, consider my eating habits, or lift a weight.  Why?

Well, like Sylvia, I had years of my own darkness to recall.  I’d get good and defensive and make this pronouncement:

“I used to be bulimic.  I don’t do scales.  If I see a number I don’t like, I’ll start bingeing again.  I’m so completely messed up that I can’t exercise without being compulsive. And the minute I give even the slightest thought to what I eat, I’ll panic and get addictive again.”

Ah, yes. The “back-off-girlfriend!” voice of avoidance.   It was truly one of the most convincing scripts I had in the arsenal.  And seemingly practical, too.  This script can almost convince us that if we control our circumstances perfectly and exactly, that we’ll never have to face that yucky part of ourselves again.

“No way. I got divorced once. I’m giving up men.”

“I’m a recovering addict.  I can’t start a business because I have too many emotional issues.”

“I’m a control freak, and I like to be secure. I’m not going to take a risk like that.”

Only problem is this:

When we live from a fear of our past, it is very hard to create a different future.

I finally questioned these avoidance thoughts. I actually said to myself, “Do you want to spend the rest of your life calling yourself ‘bulimic?’ Don’t you want to move beyond being an angst-ridden, Duran-Duran-listening-to teen?”

I realized that my avoidance – a necessary protective measure during my first years of recovery – was actually holding me in an old behavior pattern that would forever keep me stuck.

So, I started going to the gym.  And hey, I liked it!   I even bought some weight-training books!  Then, later that year, a whole world of possibilities opened up to me. I became vegan. I went raw vegan for six months. I fell in love with working out.  And I got passionate about eating well.

Did I get compulsive and weird every now and then?

Of course. (Hey, I’m ME after all.)

But, I learned that the problem was NOT the circumstance.  The problem was my old THOUGHTS ABOUT the circumstance.  And guess what?  Facing the circumstance gave me the chance to find out how to do it differently.  It gave me the chance to prove to myself how healthy I really am.  Avoidance, as practical as it sounded, was keeping me from making some truly remarkable changes.

Here’s what I know:

Our biggest victories come from moving out of our comfort zones.  Many people turn their back on their passions because they are too scared that criticism will kill them, or that their jealousy will wreck them, or that their need for control will paralyze them.

The truth is that in the end, it is our avoidance that wrecks us, kills our dreams, and paralyzes our actions.

25 COMMENTS ADD A COMMENT
  • amanda@choosing-life-my-way.com

    I love the points you make at the end. We definitely need to be willing to step out of our comfort zones, or we will remain trapped by fear and habit. Great read 🙂

  • Leslie

    Hey Christine! Thanks once again for the inspiration. I just wanted to let you know that I’ve put you on my list of favorite creative bloggers. You and your blog are great supports in helping me CREATE my life.

    http://stitchingbuddha.wordpress.com/2009/05/02/kreativ-blogger-award/

  • Mary C-D

    As a professional writer, I wanted to comment on a line in your post from “Sylvia,”but please accept this as a gentle observation and not a critique of what is obviously of deep concern for her – “I don’t want to be driven when it comes to writing.” There is an age-old truth about writing. You don’t get inspired and then sit down and write. You sit down, come to the page or the screen, work though your hesitation, your concern about your abilities, the health of your children and pets, the deadly rays surely emanating from your computer screen, etc., etc, etc., and you do drive on through until, once in a while, the inspiration comes. To be a writer is to drive on through, whether you feel like it or not. That’s how the words get formed into sentences and paragraphs and essays and stories and books and blogs. To quote that great philosopher Ringo Starr, “It don’t come easy, you know it don’t come easy….”
    An excellent book on the subject is “Seven Steps on the Writer’s Path: The Journey from Frustration to Fulfillment” by Nancy Pickard and Lynn Lott.

  • Paula G | Comfortable in Your Own Skin Coach

    Great post. Really hits home. The other thing with avoidance is it is a convenient excuse for allowing us to stay exactly where we are and then later on go “see, I told you I couldn’t have what I wanted”. We make ourselves right in our self-limiting story (usually drawn up from the past) when we indulge in the avoidance.

  • Lauren Ebbecke

    Christine-

    Great Article! Yes, the past can certainly cause havoc on our future dreams and goals! Avoidance is definitely not a game plan. I plan on eating healthy and backing off the chocolate, not avoiding it!!!:)

  • Marie

    I really didn’t see this example as an example of fear holding her back. I saw possible burnout (if you push yourself so hard that you have nothing left to give for a while, then pushing again on a new project – while on empty – will be miserable and futile). I also saw possibly valid questions about a goal – why push for something you don’t really want? I say that I want to write, and I don’t do it, but I put enormous energy into another type of work where I do succeed. Apparently I don’t really want to write very much at all (and I do want to do the other kind of work). I don’t think that I fear writing, I think that the other kind of work that I do is just clearly and enormously more important to me (and I value and respect it more).

  • Sue

    Hi Christine,

    This post hit close to home. I have always had a fear of driving and it became worse when I had an accident and was sued four years ago. A year after that, I started fearing the worst (that I would hit someone) and avoided driving completely and lost my independence. I recently started getting back on the wheels, although it’s been a slow recovery! I will remember this post whenever I think about avoiding driving. But it’s scary though! Thanks for this great post. Your posts have been truly inspirational!

  • stacey

    Christine,
    I am with Marrissa on this one… I could have written this post many times, except for the part where you moved it forward. It’s been 12 years for me, being binge/purge free, but I still think of myself as bulimic… In my own mind, I think it keeps me from relapse… but your example couldn’t prove how wrong I am… moving forward is so much healthier than staying “bulimic”. Thanks again for your inspiration!

  • Giulietta

    Thanks Christine,

    Super post. Yes, the key is to walk toward the brilliant light of avoidance. It holds the key to a fabulous life.

    Giulietta
    rebel at large

  • guinevere

    Wonderful, love it. Your posts always speak right to my heart. Its true, fear /avoidance/ procrastination…. looking at it head on and not letting it hold you back or derail you…. its something I have to always work on, but it pays off when I do. Thanks for the reminder!

  • Steph

    Such a powerful and timely post. Thank you.

  • Mindful Mimi

    It’s always our thoughts and our attitude which rule our life. And we are the ones who control them. So the only one to blame for anything is ourselves really.
    Thanks for sharing.
    Mimi

  • Sunrise Sister

    Success made outside our comfort zones! Such a powerful reminder. Living so many years with no time for anything creative (I thought)…..in the last year I’ve awakened to this stranger inside of me who now keeps an active blog with actual readers, an artist with actual works accepted in juried art shows. I knew that stranger was there, I just hadn’t opened the door far enough. This post is a great one!

  • Diane

    I also loved the line “When we live from a fear of our past, it is very hard to create a different future.”

    Like Kim, I know so many that live in the fear of being hurt again. They won’t allow love to come into their lives and make all kinds of excuses. Hmm…and what is even more strange is I seem to date these types! ARGH!

  • Lynne

    My favorite line is, “When we live from a fear of our past, it is very hard to create a different future.”

    I just recently had a bit of an epiphany (can one have a “bit” of one of those?) about my own avoidance & procrastination habits. For me, at the core of it all, is the fear that if I truly and fully embrace (and take action on) all that I am capable of, all that I know I am meant to do and want to be — that if I stop “playing small”, my greatest fear is that I will be abandoned. That somehow, if I do that, I will be “too big” for everyone I love to handle… and they will leave.

    Crazy, I know. But the most amazing this is that now that I have been able to name it — now that it’s clear to me not only what I’m doing, but why I’m doing it — now I feel like it is something I can actually begin to work on changing.

    In that process, I can definitely see your “when we live from a fear of our past…” thought as a mantra for working through those times when the going gets tough.

    Thanks, Christine — your insights — and your straightforward and compassionate way of conveying those thoughts is a gift that I not only admire, but truly appreciate.

  • Catherine Cantieri, Sorted

    The title of the post is wisdom all by itself. I really like the part about how we define ourselves: “I’m a XXX. I can’t YYY.” I tend to self-identify as an introvert who can’t handle selling — which is not such a great mindset for someone with her own business! Thanks for some insight on how to get beyond these self-made traps.

  • Dee

    Just what I needed to read today! Thanks, Christine!!

  • Lisa Natoli

    Great post Christine. Wow. You’re always practical and inspiring.

    I love your quote:
    “Fear is funny. It seems to know when it can’t get in the front door. So it tip-toes around to the back, finds a window that was left open a crack, hoists it open and makes its way inside.”

  • Kim

    Great post… I have a male friend living with the fear of a past hurt, not allowing him to move forward in any further relationships – I fear, as his friend, he will end up leaving behind someone positively wonderful because of this fear.

  • Tim

    Christine:

    I love your post. I am pretty good at avoidance (and procrastination) myself. There have been a couple dreams that I put on hold a few years ago, but now I am realizing that now is a good time to re-explore these dreams once again. It is funny how fear really takes hold on us. As much as we try, we cannot truly eliminate what we are avoiding.
    Thanks again!

  • Positively Present

    I LOVE the title of this post. It’s so direct and honest and the whole post is dead on. Avoidance is NOT a game plan, no matter what you’ve been through. People use fear as an excuse and that is not acceptable and, in the end, they are only hurting themselves. Thanks for this post. Truly brilliant!

  • Christine R.

    I don’t know how you do it but yet again I am so very grateful you do! Another motivating-change the thinking-make choices-get out and live life post!!! And even more, at the same time you put things in a way that also feel so comfortable, like a big hug to relax into for a bit before getting up and happily getting going with new ideas for the new plan.
    Thank you!

  • Christine Kane

    Marissa – I have a bunch of other posts about eating disorders. Click on the archives link in the right side bar. I think they were written in Sept 2007. I hope they help too!

  • Marissa

    Your example of the fear of your old eating disorder preventing you from taking control of your eating/exercise habits in a positive way hit extremely close to home. As in, I could have written it myself.
    The difference being I am still letting that fear keep me from being healthy. Thanks for the kick in the butt and motivation that I desperately needed. Tomorrow is a new day!