Ever since the Fire Department pulled Gracie down from the tree behind our house as a timid little kitten, she has been determined to squeeze every ounce of life out of life.

It’s not that she’s feral. It’s that she’s fierce. She’s passionate. Everything is a wonder to her. Whatever she does, she does it one hundred percent.

After months of marveling at her tireless celebration of life, my husband and I began to create stories about Gracie.

For instance, we decided that her real name is actually “Lolita Grace” - which added a much needed exotic touch. I said that she had lived in South America for a brief time and had married a Latin tycoon of sorts. (No one knows why or how the marriage ended. She never talks about it.) This story resulted in a longer name. Lolita Grace Gonzales Kane. Then, after she stalked, killed, and brought home a giant piece of pizza, her name officially became Lolita Grace Gonzales Domino Kane.

Our stories about Gracie cracked us up. At that time, she often stayed out all night. This worried me, but I came up with the perfect explanation. I told my husband that Gracie had opened a nightclub along the river where we live. “It’s called Lolita’s by the River,” I said. I described it for him - a ramshackle hut, hammered together with rusty nails and pieces of scrap wood that came down the river. And all animals - be they predator or prey - go to Lolita’s by the River. They set aside their differences beneath the twinkle lights (there are lots of twinkle lights) and they listen to music. Gracie would serve drinks laden with fruits, long swirlie straws, and little paper umbrellas.

Some summer nights, my husband and I would both wake up at 3am and realize that Gracie was still out. I’d say to him “Well, it’s Cajun night at Lolita’s by the River. So, the place probably got pretty rowdy.”

When Gracie hadn’t returned in the morning, I told my husband that she had started another business called “Lolita’s Lattes” and was out serving coffee-drinks to go at a roadside stand.

Gracie also opened a transport service along the river called “Gracie’s Gondolas.”

As much fun as I had creating the imaginary world of my little gypsy cat, it stressed me out that she stayed out all night. My other two cats are home-bodies, mostly sleeping and playing on the deck. They each have their own stories as well. For instance, Atticus (aka Mr. Patticus) is Headmaster of the Patticusian Academy of Relaxation and Comfort [PARC] - and has implemented various coziness initiatives in the house, such as the Patticusian Lean Optimization Program [PLOP] - which allows for him to lean on any convenient person or pillow as he sleeps.

One day, I told my friend Joy that I wanted Gracie to stop staying out all night because it worried me so much. Joy reminded me of the power of our thoughts and words. Even though Joy loved hearing all the stories about Lolita’s, (while Joy was on vacation, Gracie dragged a rickshaw across town and picked up Joy’s cat P’nut and brought her to Lolita’s) she suggested that maybe I should start portraying Gracie as a cat who loves to be around the home.

So, I did just that.

After that conversation, when anyone asked about Lolita’s by the River, I said that Gracie had started an online business because she wants to stay at home more. Lolita’s by the River is still there, of course. But now, she has outsourced all the work so that she can tend to her online business. I also began to imagine Gracie delighting in hanging out at home and on the deck.

Well, guess what?

It worked.

Since I began shifting my thoughts and stories about Gracie, she has stayed out all night only once. (It was Reggae Night and the band didn’t show.) And even when she’s out late, she runs home the minute my husband calls her. She’s also much more affectionate with us and more aware of our presence in her life. This change has been nothing less than remarkable.

Now, am I saying that all you have to do is think different thoughts and your animals will change?

Not at all.

But I am suggesting that when you see your dog as needy or crazy, or when you call your cat weird, or bad, or stupid, or afraid - those messages have power. Our animal companions pick up on our energy and our emotions. It’s so easy to forget that. While you’re becoming more conscious and aware in your life, remember that your animals can change and grow with you. They can also be the best teachers along the way. Gracie taught me the power of imagination!

Judy was at my December Great Big Dreams Retreat. She’s 67. I’d like to report that when she mentioned her age to the circle of women, there was a collective gasp in the air. But really, it was more like a collective “Huh?”

Judy could easily have told us she was in her 50’s. She looks (and feels) that young. She has the vitality and enthusiasm of a twenty year old. And her face and skin are just youthful. In a natural way. Not in a plastic surgery way.

At one point over the weekend, I was talking with Judy and a few other women. I told Judy that she was an inspiration to all of us at the retreat. During the conversation she shared a simple anti-aging secret that she created. I loved it. So, I asked her if I could share it on my blog.

Judy said that many years back, she asked the Universe to give her something to use as a subliminal “button” that she could put in her mind as a trigger. This “button” would automatically alert her to reinforce her own subconscious suggestions.

She said, “The words came back to me that the letter ‘J’ appeared on more license plates than any other letter in the alphabet.” She admitted not being much of a “car person,” but that as she drove around the Tidewater area of Virginia, she noticed the letter “J” all over the place on license plates.

So she told her subconscious that every time she saw the letter “J” on a license plate, her body would be reminded that she weighs 135 and that she has the skin of an 18 year old. She then let her body take care of how this would happen.

[Note: You could easily do this technique with anything you want to outsource to your subconscious. Building wealth, finishing a song, weight loss, affirmations, etc.]

In Judy’s own words:

“Now, I’m 67 years old and even I must say that when I look at myself in the mirror, I’m doing really good. And every time I began to push the scales a little bit, my appetite just dies back. It’s been working so far.”

So far, we’ve discussed how to take care of yourself during the holiday season, and how to prepare for a potentially charged holiday event involving travel, family and holiday pressure.

Now, we arrive at the scene.

It’s time to ditch the idea of Christmas presents and welcome the idea of Christmas presence.

The best gift you can give to yourself - and to everyone else - is your presence and your attention. Few people choose to do this. They prefer to allow the old unconscious behavior patterns and distractions to take over.

That’s why so many family functions can slip into old patterns. Everyone’s on auto-pilot. Here are a few ways to take that energy and convert it into different patterns by being present.

1. Avoid alcohol

If you get nervous or stressed at family functions or social situations, it can be tempting to drink a few glasses of wine and numb yourself a bit.

I encourage you to drink water instead.

Here’s why:

Alcohol distracts you and dulls you. It might seem like it “takes the edge off.” But that’s just an illusion. It can also lower your awareness level, making you more vulnerable to drama, dysfunction, and getting triggered.

2. Take walks

When you’re traveling, it’s easy to blow off exercise. Holidays and travel combined make it even easier to skip exercise.

You can take small exercise breaks by getting outdoors. Invite some family members to join you. Take some vigorous walks. It’ll do wonders for your mindset. I like to walk over to the park near my parents’ home and swing on the swings.

3. Take the conversation deeper

As you’re talking with people, be a listener and an asker. Try to do both things without judging or fixing people. Lead the conversation into places of enthusiasm and passion. Ask questions that focus on the other person’s dreams and goals…

“What’s one thing you’d love to do in 2008?”

“What’s one thing you’re proud of yourself for accomplishing this year?”

“What do you love about what you do?”

If you ask someone these kinds of questions, they’ll probably show genuine surprise and delight.

***Cool Gift Idea*** A great option is to get a fantastic little game called Gab To Go. It makes a cool stocking stuffer. It’s a question game designed to generate deeper conversations and create connection. A fun thing to do on Christmas night!

4. Look at your parents and siblings

Have you ever actually looked deeply at your family?

Now, I’m not proposing that you get all weird during Christmas dinner and ask each person to gaze at the others.

Do this for you. Just quietly look at each person during the holidays. Notice them as if you were an artist. Lovingly take them in.

It is so easy to look at family through the eyes of judgment - “Oh geez, here comes this tangent again.” Or the eyes of apathy - “Whatever.” But to really take someone in moves you into delight. It moves you out of judgment and into the present moment. See them as they are.

A few years ago, I did this with my parents during Christmas. At one point, my dad opened up a present and cheered. It was a moment of sheer bliss. He had a kid-like smile on his face. I made a mental snap shot of it. I can call it up at any moment in my day. It makes my eyes fill with tears, even now. My dad had a stroke over a year ago, and he doesn’t look the same anymore. I am so grateful that I really saw him that Christmas. It’s more powerful than any iPhoto shot.

5. Being kind vs. being right

I come from a family of academics. There have often been heated discussions, political debates, and theological rants during holiday gatherings. At one point, I just stopped. I stopped trying to prove my point. I stopped trying to be right. If someone confronted me about my froo-froo new-thought vegan beliefs, I didn’t defend myself. I didn’t try to convince anyone of anything. In other words, I stopped trying to make myself right and make someone else wrong.

Now, let’s be careful about this one. It’s easy to use it so that you can feel morally superior to everyone else. You can sit back and say to yourself, “Look at these losers. They’re all trying to out-do each other. I’m better than they are. You know why? Because I’m kind. I’m not trying to be right.”

This doesn’t help. You’ve just flung yourself into the same pool of energy when you do this.

Just decide to stop campaigning for your opinion. Listen to people around you.

6. “Love them.”

Years ago, a family member was visiting me. I got very triggered. I called a friend and told her the in’s, out’s, up’s, and down’s of the story. And then I asked her what to do.

She told me about being a step mom to her husband’s boys. She told me that she wrote these words on a post-it note and put it on her bathroom mirror: “Love them.” She said that there is no better answer.

So, I decided to do that. I let the situation go. I let go of the need to “express my truth.” And I just “loved him.”

Miracle of miracles, it worked. It was simple, but it worked.

In many situations since then, I’ve learned that “expressing my truth” is so not necessary. I can just love the other person. After all - “my truth” is just “my spin on things.” And that can get so exhausting after a while.

So, when all else fails, you can try this option. You can just keep reminding yourself to “love them.” There really is no better answer.

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And of course, there’s always the final option - which is to plop down in front of the television and watch all 24 hours of “The Christmas Story.”

And don’t forget “A Very Brady Christmas!’”

(Click here to read the first post in this little series.)

So, you go to the movies, right?

And in the middle of the feature you decide you don’t like what’s happening in the movie.

So you charge to the front of the theater and throw yourself at the screen, trying to convince the characters to just stop it already! You shout at the villains. You slap the screen…

“Aw, come on Christine, that’s a stupid example. No one would ever do that.”

Maybe not at the movies they wouldn’t.

But most of us do this in our daily lives. We try to fix all the external things. We try to fix the things we have absolutely no control over. We try to fix our outsides without first working on the source of the image - our own insides.

In other words, we are the projectors. We are the producers. We are the writers.

So, what does this have to do with families and holidays and stress?

The only place to start creating a happy holiday with your family (or with anyone) is inside of you. Families are perhaps the easiest place to catch yourself in the unproductive act of shouting at that movie screen.

Now I know this might sound like a great idea in theory. And maybe it’s easy to doubt the possibility of putting it into practice.

So here’s the thing to remember. Practice is exactly what it takes. And practice is exactly what you get when you do this stuff with your family. You’ll see small results with each thing you try.

Best of all, this work is quite simple and do-able. You don’t have to meditate or find a higher state of loving consciousness to do it. (You can get to that stuff later.)

For now, here are five practical things you can do to prepare for the family holiday events…

1. Go complaint-free

Make a Complaint-Free Pact with your partner or with one of your siblings starting today and running through January 1. (If that feels like too much, just do it til December 26th.)

This means that when your 33-year old brother calls to tell you he’s bringing his new 18-year-old girlfriend to the festivities, you don’t call anyone else in your family to talk about it. It means that when your daughter calls to tell you she’s “gone vegan,” you don’t descend upon your husband to tell him your children are idiots. You just watch your own temptation to spew venom.

Make a game out of not complaining. Decide that any time you’re tempted to go on a rant, you’ll just pause and say, “Well, isn’t that something?” (Said with a Southern accent, this technique can be pretty funny.) Get the Complaint-Free World bracelet. Wearing the bracelet alone might generate some great conversation between you and other family members.

2. Surrender your time in advance

I use this technique whenever I don’t feel like doing something, or if I find myself wishing I were somewhere else doing something else. If choosing something else isn’t an option, I stop resisting, and I surrender my time.

Just recognize that the family holiday event is going to happen, and that’s where you’re going to be. Set your intent to be present. Set your intent to really be there, and know it’s exactly where you are meant to be. If you were supposed to be somewhere else, you would’ve gone there!

3. Abandon the Holiday Shoulds

The Holiday Shoulds are insidious. Pay attention to them - they can creep up out of nowhere!

Here’s a list of Ten Holiday Shoulds you can release now. It will make you happier when the time comes to get in the car or to receive guests…

1 - I should have a new outfit to wear on Christmas Eve!

2 - I should’ve made Christmas cards to go with all of my presents!

3 - I should be better at wrapping presents!

4 - I should’ve bought more expensive presents!

5 - I should go out and buy more [insert useless consumer good here.]

6 - I should’ve lost weight this year!

7 - Christmas should look more like [insert animator or artist here — i.e, Rankin Bass, Thomas Kinkade, Jacquie Lawson] makes it look!

8 - I should be able to play Christmas songs on the piano!

9 - I should’ve made [insert time-consuming baked good featured in Martha Stewart magazine]!

10 - I should decorate my house better!

4. Decide how you want to feel

Have you already been talking about stress, family and holidays? Have you already told friends about how much you dread traveling or having guests or being with family?

Challenge yourself to tell a friend how you want to feel and be with your family at the holidays. (Rather than “how it always goes.”) How do you see yourself at dinner? Can you see yourself eating only what appeals to you -without bingeing to escape the present moment? Can you see yourself smiling?

Focus on what you want. Not on what you don’t want. Energy flows where attention goes.

5. Have a friend on call

If your family situation is really unhealthy, and you don’t feel strong enough to face it alone, ask a friend to be “on call” for encouragement and love. Get a partner. Just knowing that someone out there is loving you unconditionally can make you strong. You ultimately might not need to call. But it’s a great option to have.

Taking care of your insides involves accepting your vulnerability - rather than repressing it and wishing it weren’t there. Acceptance begins with asking for help. You don’t have to get whiney. You can just ask a friend to be your Go-To-Gal. (Or guy.)

If your partner or spouse is coming along to the event, have a conversation in advance. Let him/her know that you might need a little extra love and encouragement. Ask him/her to “Watch your Back.” Ask him/her to be the strong sensible one if you get triggered.
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Pick one (or all five) of these things, and you’ll begin to notice a shift inside of you. You’ll feel more at ease knowing that you’re putting your energy and attention on something that you can actually control as you prepare for the holidays with your family.

Last Christmas, during the 8-hour ride to my parents’ house, I looked around at some of the other drivers on the interstate.

A few people were tapping their fingers on the steering wheel and singing.

Lots of drivers, however, didn’t look all that happy. Many were gripping the steering wheel with both hands. Many jaws were clenched. I saw more than a few moms turning around shouting at their kids. Some mini-vans were weaving in and out of traffic at 85mph.

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year!”

Or… “It’s the most wonderful time of the year?”

I had an idea that someone ought to set up “Therapy Stations” in Rest Area parking lots.

Now, I know some people will read this and think, “How ridiculous! It’s the holidays! No one feels bad about going to see their family! Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year!”

If you’re one of these people, then you have my heartfelt congratulations. And I’ll invite you to stop reading now.

For those who find the combination of holiday and family to be the slightest bit stressful, and for anyone who grips the steering wheel a little too tightly as they drive towards home - read on.

So, let’s face it. You can do your usual thing. You can try to fix your family. You can spend lots of time wishing your family were more, uh, normal. You can be pissed off about having to go to your Aunt Millie’s house every year. You can get offended at how no one ever remembers that, “No, vegetarians don’t eat pork.”

Or you can start from a better place. You can start from the only place that you can control.

Inside of you.

The Guide to Holiday Self-Care

If you create a strong foundation of health and rest and self-care, you’ll get triggered less. You’ll feel more at peace in all situations. Even in traffic.

Here are 7 simple tricks that you can begin working with now to help you build that foundation:

1. Go to bed before 9pm at least once a week

This is the most non-decadent decadent gift you can give yourself.

Most of us stay up too late thinking we can get another hour’s worth of nothing done when the most productive thing we can do is rest. If this is you, give yourself permission to go to bed before 9pm once a week during December.

2. Book a hotel now

If you are traveling to visit family, and if you’re typically a guest at a family member’s house, then maybe it’s time for a change.

You don’t have to get attitudinal about it. You can just plan ahead now.

Get a hotel room.

If you’re scared this will upset everyone, you can email your family in advance and let them know that you’ve chosen to do this. Be sure to keep your language and intent proactive.

There’s a huge difference between self-care (proactive) and self-defense (reactive). When you’re able to communicate clearly and proactively, people tend to follow that energy. Here are some examples:

Proactive: “I’ve been working a lot this fall, and in order to honor my needs this Christmas, I’ve decided to stay in a hotel this year. I’ll still be at all of our family events! Thanks in advance for understanding.”

Reactive: “Because you are all so irreversibly screwed up, this year I am forced to get a hotel so that I can have at least five minutes of sanity during these few days…”

Hopefully, you can sense the difference.

Many hotels offer great rates during the holiday season. Check out each hotel chain website and find a nice room near you. I always get a suite with a kitchen, so I can bring healthy food for breakfasts.

Once you do this, you’ll be more at ease about your trip home because you know in advance that you’ll have some time for yourself. You won’t be wasting energy wondering if you’ll ever get a moment to breathe.

3 - Exercise

I just started working with a trainer who gave me a superb rate because, “No one works out during the holidays. Then they all come back in January, and I can’t fit them in!” She added that this is the time we need to work out the most!

Get out and do vigorous exercise daily. Weight-loss isn’t a great motivator, if you ask me. But emotional well-being works every time! Your brain functions better when you exercise. And you’re less likely to get stressed out if you’ve had a good work-out or walk.

4. Drink lots of water

It’ll curb your appetite and refresh your system.

5. Be aware of Nervous Food

6. Get a good book

Everyone loves summer vacation reading lists. I like to use these lists for holiday reading. Having a great book is the perfect way to add delight to your day. When you get back to your hotel room - rather than watching another hour of the 24-hours of The Christmas Story - grab your book, snuggle into bed and get lost in a mystery.

7. Give Yourself Permission to Say No

You don’t have to go to every Christmas event, party, or dinner that you get invited to. Holiday time also happens to be solstice time. And solstice is a deep dark beautiful time to get quiet. Give yourself that gift. If it feels too draining or tiring to go out, then you hereby have permission to hang out, read a great book, and go to bed at 8:30!

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This series will continue with some practical steps to take before you start loading up your car…