The Pop-Quiz scenario that I described two posts ago actually happened to me. (The name of the country was changed to protect its identity.)

I sometimes hesitate to write about this event because it can seem like I’m reveling in its unparalleled drama. I feel the same way about describing my past with bulimia. I am very clear, however, that I’m not using these stories to further my identity as the victim or the tormented artist type.

This airport story marked the beginning of a major life shift for me. It had all the makings of an event that could’ve knocked me (and my pride) on my ass for years. But didn’t. (To appease all the commentators from the pop quiz - I did, in fact, decide to stay the three weeks - and I had enough adventure and fun to last a lifetime. As well as some long lingering bouts of tears.)

And now, as I write about upheaval and personal growth, this event is important - for many reasons.

As a story, it kind of cracks me up. I got mileage out of it for years as a stage story in between songs. I find it pretty funny — not in a mocking or harsh way to my former self. But rather in a loving compassionate way. Not unlike when I watch my cat stick his head in a paper bag and sit up with the bag still on his head. I’ll take care of him and pull it off and then hug him - but it still cracks me up.

As a break up, I learned how easy it is to label two people as bad guy / good guy. This is the lazy way out. I learned how easy it is to play the role of the “victim” and milk it for all it’s worth. People around me almost seemed to love me more. They rallied around me. I could’ve gotten used to that kind of attention. I could’ve continued indefinitely to see myself as helpless and sad. And when I say it’s “easy” I don’t mean that the feelings weren’t painful. I mean that victimhood could have become an actual career path. I rather enjoyed the pity. One of the commentators on the Pop Quiz post mentioned feeling the brunt of someone who hated her for being the breaker upper. I’ve been on both sides of a break up - and I now have compassion for both people. I see both people as powerful players in the relationship. This applies equally to job situations, and all life situations too.

As an upheaval, it was a giant catalyst. It was fundamental to me taking my life into my own hands and creating it into something completely different. From that perspective, I feel like I should get down on my knees and thank my old flame profusely.

Of course I went through all of the turmoil and self-doubt and hurt pride - that stuff lasted over a year. But I kept moving forward. And I started changing everything about my old life after I returned to the states.

Every single thing I wrote about upheaval in the last post applies to this situation and how I got to a place of gratitude about it.

But one thing stands out…

What have you been praying?

This is one of the five questions I posed in the last post. This was the question #1 because for me, it uncovered an answer about my huge upheaval. I didn’t discover this answer until years later after I had released two CD’s, and I was blissfully ensconced in a whole new life as a touring performer.

One day, I asked myself the question “What had you been praying?” about this particular event in my life. As I reflected on the months before I took the fated trip to see my boyfriend overseas, I remembered my old journals. I went and dug them out. When I read them, I found what I had been praying for.

I had just graduated from college, and in a desperate attempt to figure out my life, I had begun writing letters to God. Every night, each journal entry began “Dear God.” It was in these pages that I admitted wanting a whole different life than was expected for me. It was here that I admitted my desire to write creatively and be a songwriter and get healthy. I actually wrote the words: “Bring it on.”

I had no idea how powerful that intention was. In fact, I didn’t even know what intention meant. I certainly never thought I was praying.

Here’s what it felt like: It felt like my angels read these entries and said, “Okay. Got it. Now the first thing that has to go is this dude you’ve been dating. He’s simply not right for this life you want to build. It’ll look like he dumped you, and it’ll be very dramatic (after all you’re fluent in drama). But really, it will be orchestrated by your intent. Then you’ll come home from that trip with nothing. When you have nothing, you’ll have nothing to lose. This is when you’ll actually start on the work you want to do.”

And that’s exactly what happened. It was bumpy. I cried a lot. The first year I was home, my friends and family thought I had lost my mind in grief. But I was writing songs, and I was taking music theory, and I was taking action towards my intent - even with my sad little heart trying to convince me I was a reject. And I did not go out with anyone for about three years.

Once I really got that I created this event in such a profound way, I was able to answer the other questions from the last post and ultimately see myself as powerful. I lost faith along the way, for sure. But in retrospect, it all seems so clear.

So that’s why I bring this up. As I facilitate retreats and lead the January e-Seminar, I’m witnessing a few people go through different levels of upheaval. It might seem clear to me as the observer. But I know that it’s not yet clear to them! So, I can use the events of my life to encourage people to move through the events of theirs. I know for sure that not every point I’ve made about upheaval will apply to each person who reads this. But I do know that it’s good to hear that someone else made it through and used upheaval to change a life for the better.

Last Christmas, during the 8-hour ride to my parents’ house, I looked around at some of the other drivers on the interstate.

A few people were tapping their fingers on the steering wheel and singing.

Lots of drivers, however, didn’t look all that happy. Many were gripping the steering wheel with both hands. Many jaws were clenched. I saw more than a few moms turning around shouting at their kids. Some mini-vans were weaving in and out of traffic at 85mph.

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year!”

Or… “It’s the most wonderful time of the year?”

I had an idea that someone ought to set up “Therapy Stations” in Rest Area parking lots.

Now, I know some people will read this and think, “How ridiculous! It’s the holidays! No one feels bad about going to see their family! Christmas is the most wonderful time of the year!”

If you’re one of these people, then you have my heartfelt congratulations. And I’ll invite you to stop reading now.

For those who find the combination of holiday and family to be the slightest bit stressful, and for anyone who grips the steering wheel a little too tightly as they drive towards home - read on.

So, let’s face it. You can do your usual thing. You can try to fix your family. You can spend lots of time wishing your family were more, uh, normal. You can be pissed off about having to go to your Aunt Millie’s house every year. You can get offended at how no one ever remembers that, “No, vegetarians don’t eat pork.”

Or you can start from a better place. You can start from the only place that you can control.

Inside of you.

The Guide to Holiday Self-Care

If you create a strong foundation of health and rest and self-care, you’ll get triggered less. You’ll feel more at peace in all situations. Even in traffic.

Here are 7 simple tricks that you can begin working with now to help you build that foundation:

1. Go to bed before 9pm at least once a week

This is the most non-decadent decadent gift you can give yourself.

Most of us stay up too late thinking we can get another hour’s worth of nothing done when the most productive thing we can do is rest. If this is you, give yourself permission to go to bed before 9pm once a week during December.

2. Book a hotel now

If you are traveling to visit family, and if you’re typically a guest at a family member’s house, then maybe it’s time for a change.

You don’t have to get attitudinal about it. You can just plan ahead now.

Get a hotel room.

If you’re scared this will upset everyone, you can email your family in advance and let them know that you’ve chosen to do this. Be sure to keep your language and intent proactive.

There’s a huge difference between self-care (proactive) and self-defense (reactive). When you’re able to communicate clearly and proactively, people tend to follow that energy. Here are some examples:

Proactive: “I’ve been working a lot this fall, and in order to honor my needs this Christmas, I’ve decided to stay in a hotel this year. I’ll still be at all of our family events! Thanks in advance for understanding.”

Reactive: “Because you are all so irreversibly screwed up, this year I am forced to get a hotel so that I can have at least five minutes of sanity during these few days…”

Hopefully, you can sense the difference.

Many hotels offer great rates during the holiday season. Check out each hotel chain website and find a nice room near you. I always get a suite with a kitchen, so I can bring healthy food for breakfasts.

Once you do this, you’ll be more at ease about your trip home because you know in advance that you’ll have some time for yourself. You won’t be wasting energy wondering if you’ll ever get a moment to breathe.

3 - Exercise

I just started working with a trainer who gave me a superb rate because, “No one works out during the holidays. Then they all come back in January, and I can’t fit them in!” She added that this is the time we need to work out the most!

Get out and do vigorous exercise daily. Weight-loss isn’t a great motivator, if you ask me. But emotional well-being works every time! Your brain functions better when you exercise. And you’re less likely to get stressed out if you’ve had a good work-out or walk.

4. Drink lots of water

It’ll curb your appetite and refresh your system.

5. Be aware of Nervous Food

6. Get a good book

Everyone loves summer vacation reading lists. I like to use these lists for holiday reading. Having a great book is the perfect way to add delight to your day. When you get back to your hotel room - rather than watching another hour of the 24-hours of The Christmas Story - grab your book, snuggle into bed and get lost in a mystery.

7. Give Yourself Permission to Say No

You don’t have to go to every Christmas event, party, or dinner that you get invited to. Holiday time also happens to be solstice time. And solstice is a deep dark beautiful time to get quiet. Give yourself that gift. If it feels too draining or tiring to go out, then you hereby have permission to hang out, read a great book, and go to bed at 8:30!

———————–

This series will continue with some practical steps to take before you start loading up your car…

At times our own light goes out and is rekindled by a spark from another person. Each of us has cause to think with deep gratitude of those who have lighted the flame within us.
- Albert Schweitzer

It’s the holiday season. Another year is coming to a close.

A few years ago, I started a practice that makes me look forward to this time of year. It’s my own little way of getting into the spirit of the season. I call it The Art of Appreciation.

Appreciation is gratitude in action.

It’s wonderful to be grateful and recognize the blessings in your life. But it’s a whole other level when you take action on that gratitude and go out of your way to say, “Thanks. You were an important part of my year. You matter to me.”

First off, you become profoundly aware of how many people bless your life.

And second, you touch the hearts of those who work hard to serve people like you.

Appreciation Gifts

So, how do you show appreciation? What do you do? What do you give?

This time of year, most of the world seems bent on giving plates piled high with blobs of baked dough frosted with green icing. Or clumps of nut and fruit glued together with maple syrup, bourbon and axle grease.

In the spirit of not forcing food on people, I try to come up with ideas for gifts that are non-edible, meaningful, and perhaps even usable.

Here are some general thoughts on appreciation gifts:

• For anyone who has been of service in my home or business, I give a monetary bonus with a card and a special note. This includes, but is not limited to, employees, housekeepers, regular contract help - like WebGuys who did a great job in the year, etc.

• For other gifts, I ask myself what kinds of things I would love to receive, but don’t want to spend money on.

• Bookstore gift certificates are always great. Especially from a local bookstore.

• One year, I bought several big handmade aromatherapy candles from a funky local store here in my town. I picked out the Lemongrass smell because it was subtle and light. I also bought some beautiful rustic trays as candle holders.

• Great smelling body lotions. EccoBella is my favorite. (Note: Use caution with anything smelly. Avoid “aromatherapy” stuff from Big Box Stores. They’re overpowering and will make a home smell less like a sacred space, and more like a brothel.)

• Tuned wind chimes are an extravagant and lovely choice. I gave a set of these to the Artist Rep at Takamine Guitars, and he told me recently that he thinks of me whenever he hears them at his mountain cabin.

• Wine and specialty beers are fun. (Make sure you know the person is okay with alcohol.)

• Handmade Christmas ornaments. (Be sure they celebrate Christmas and/or have a tree.)

• If you’re on a budget, you can a make a mix CD of workout tunes. Or meditation music. Write a note with the CD explaining why you created this CD, and why this music touches you. (I made three mix CD’s called “Cool Women Songwriters” for a friend to play in the car with her three girls. She has thanked me for these CD’s over and over this year. It lets her not have to listen to High School Musical for the 100th time.)

• If you’d like to give a CD that you purchased, I recommend choosing a genre of music that’s neutral - like a meditation music. My favorite is Anugama’s Shamanic Dream. Write a note about why you love this CD and why they might enjoy it.

• If the person is someone you know well - another parent, for instance - you could gift them with a “time certificate” by babysitting their kids for a few hours while they go to the movies for an afternoon, offer to do their dishes one evening or cook them a meal and bring it over.

Please us the comments section below to add any ideas for Appreciation Gifts. (Or, better yet - write down something you wish someone would gift to you that’s not fruit cake!)

Appreciation Notes

Set aside several hours on a day early in December to write notes for each person. The note is the most important thing.

I try to put some thought into the note and make it about them, not about me. (”Here’s what I like about you.”) I let them know that I appreciate their presence on the planet.

Appreciation Recipients

It might be a little overwhelming to consider reviewing the whole year to figure out who made a difference in your life, or who you appreciate.

Here are a few ideas that might help you…

1 - Teachers

This is the most obvious beginning place. These are the neighborhood heroes. Tutors who have helped you one on one. Your childrens’ teachers. Or a yoga teacher. Music instructors. Teachers of adult extension courses at community colleges.

2 - Anyone who has made your business travel easier

If you are a business traveler, then you’ve probably gotten to know the airline employees at the check-in or at the gate. Most likely they’ve offered a friendly word in the mornings, or they’ve moved your seat a time or two. I’ve watched hotel desk clerks greet guests by name and go out of their way to welcome the regulars. What a difference this makes.

3 - Anyone who services your home or your family

Your cleaning person. Your handy-man. Pet sitters. Postal carrier. Garbage pick up crew. Recycle pick up crew. Baby sitters. The UPS guy. The FedEx woman.

4 - Anyone who helps you in your self-employment or home office

Anyone who has fixed your computer or made your office life easier. When you’re self-employed, you often know the guys at the post office by their first names.

5 - Anyone in your local hangouts

Librarians are top on my list. (Librarians rock. And believe me, they light up when someone pauses to notice the work they do.) Favorite wait staff at local restaurants. Counter help at UPS FedEx or Kinko’s.

6 - Anyone you just happen to notice doing a great job

A few weeks ago, my husband was getting out of his car in our driveway, and noticed our neighbor raking leaves in her yard. He walked over and told her that he just wanted to acknowledge what a great mom she is, and that she does so well in the world with her daughter and her dogs and managing her home on her own. He told her he appreciates who she is. She told me later that she ran into her house and burst into tears. She had been having a bad day, and she was so touched to hear such kind words. It was a simple acknowledgement given in the moment it was felt. I’m sure you know many people in your life who inspire you even in small ways. Can you let them know?

———–

Now, obviously, you don’t have the time to get a gift for everyone and create the perfect appreciation note. I try to pick five to ten people when I do this. It’s not hard to do at all! Start with just five.

A final note:

Practicing the Art of Appreciation sounds like a selfless and kind thing to do. And of course, it is.

When you do it, however, you realize that you are also gifting yourself. You are spending some time acting on your gratitude. You’re turning your attention to the joy and delight of your life. This can’t help but make you feel wonderful.

Intend to have a great holiday season this year. Practice the Art of Appreciation.

Today is my mom’s birthday

I’ve had many long talks with girlfriends about moms. These talks often happen late at night when we’re sipping wine and getting quiet. No matter who I’m talking with, we always agree that the depth of love and connection between daughters and moms is palpable. Sometimes even painful. I have started a practice whenever I visit now. I try to see my mom. To really look at her. To take her in. It’s so easy to blow through our lives without really seeing the people we love. I have been guilty of that.

My mom doesn’t get to read my blog very often. This is partly because in the past year most of her energy has been going into caring for my dad, who had a stroke last August. It’s also partly because she’s not a big fan of computers. So, I’m writing this post just for her because it’s her birthday, and she hasn’t gotten a lot of attention this past year. Today is her day.

So, in the spirit of blog post writing etiquette, here’s 11 Random Things I Love about my mom…

1. I love that whenever I see Lily of the Valley, I think of her. I love that the fragrance reminds me of my mom and the big patch of Lily of the Valley that she planted in the shady side yard of our old house.

2. I love that whenever I go home, no matter what has gone on in her world, there is always a fresh little vase of flowers on the kitchen table.

3. I love that I still get regular handwritten letters and notes from her. I also love that she always sends me (and my siblings, and now, my husband) cards for every birthday, holiday, and holy day, and that there’s always a note about how special we each are.

4. I love that my mom made our meals every single night of our lives when we were kids. (I hated this when I was a kid. All my friends got to eat at McDonalds. And we never got to eat at McDonalds. And if we ever did get anything from McDonalds, she’d fix us a salad on the side! A SALAD!) My mom still cooks every night. I do too. She taught me well.

5. I love my mom’s unbridled enthusiasm for everything. She loves going out to plays, theatre, museum exhibits, gatherings of any kind, and great restaurants. And afterwards, she will recount every single detail and taste and texture for you.

6. I love that my mom sang a song to me every night when I went to bed. That’s how I know songs like, “Shine on Harvest Moon” and “Down by the Old Mill Stream.” And I love love love that she wrote a song just for me called “Have you Ever Seen a Treasure?” I can still sing it word for word.

7. I love the ferocity of my mom’s love. She’s the glue that holds my family together. And she has been a warrior for and with my dad throughout this year.

8 . I love that my mom is probably the most stubborn person I know. Besides me. (I’m a Taurus, too. It wasn’t exactly Our Town in my house when I was a teen.)

9. I love that in every story of my childhood that my mom retells, I was always five. Five was apparently a big year for me.

10. I love that when I take my dog to visit, I wake up every morning to find that my dog is already in the kitchen lying next to my mom with her tail wagging slowly. My mom will whisper, “Well, I just gave her a little bacon.”

11. I love that my mom writes in a gratitude journal. I hope that she will write today about how grateful she is for the beautiful world that she has created and for her own vitality and zest and joy that she has passed on to so many others.

Happy birthday, Mom! I love you!

I was in Web Guy’s office a few weeks ago. He was having a moment of overwhelm about his client list. He talked about how some of his clients call on the weekends and late at night, and how many people don’t honor his schedule. He was frustrated and exhausted.

I allow people their moments of frustration in situations like this. So I listened. But seeing as how I also like to offer a more empowered perspective, I told him about a great thing I learned many years ago. It’s a fundamental truth that has served me (and those with whom I work and play) immensely. It is this:

You teach people how to treat you.

As soon as I said this, his eyes lit up. He couldn’t believe how simple it was. And the more we talked, the more excited he got. (I refrained from calling him “grasshopper.”)

The first time I ever heard this concept was when I saw Oprah in Raleigh, NC years ago. She presented this idea. Then she partnered it with another truth. She said (in that “Sistah!” way that she does when she’s being funny) “…and giiiiirl, when someone shows you who they are… bee-LEEVE them the FIRST TIME!” (She repeated this one a lot. She was talking about abusive relationships.)

So, what does it mean?

You teach people how to treat you means that it all comes back to you. It’s up to you to allow or not allow certain treatment. It also means that you have to first get clear about how you want to be treated. It means that you have to take responsibility enough to write your own owner’s manual. And you are accountable for living by your owner’s manual. For some of us, it may be the very first time we ever even gave this any thought.

(Remember that accountability and responsibility have nothing to do with blame. They are an entirely different energy and intent than blame. Blame seeks to shame and belittle. Responsibility seeks to un-victim you.)

There are lots of levels to this. For instance, when I began working with this idea, I spent time writing down basic guidelines, like, “I do not allow people to yell at me. I do not allow verbal abuse.” These days, I don’t need these kinds of guidelines because I’ve simply absorbed my own owner’s manual, and I don’t have to think about it. I’m very clear about who I am in almost every situation in my life. That has come from practicing this stuff and messing up a few times too! (And to add a little Law of Attraction note to the end of it — now, I no longer even attract some of these issues that used to be everywhere in my world!)

Bottom line: You teach people how to treat you means that you’re clear. And that you honor that clarity.

Teach People How to Treat You: The Four Steps

1 - Start by Knowing What You Want (and What You Don’t Want)

This a great writing exercise. Write what you want. Pick an area of your life where you feel like you’re not being treated well. Write down how you’d like to be treated. If you can’t think of what you want, then write about what you don’t want.

I typically don’t recommend focusing on what you don’t want. However, sometimes what you don’t want is a great starting point to clarity. For instance, when I first began to apply this work to my performance dates, I knew that I no longer wanted to stay in rooms or hotels that scared me. (You’d be amazed at how often promoters put musicians in the worst dives imaginable. I was teaching promoters how to treat me.) Several times, I had to ask the promoter of a show to move my hotel. Eventually, I made my contract rider very clear about what I wanted in a hotel room.

Depending on your situation, you’ll have some obvious beginning points. If you’ve been in abusive relationships, then start with “I do not allow people to abuse me.” If you’re tired of people wasting your time by calling you up to relate the latest office drama, you might write, “I don’t allow people to gossip in my presence.” For some of my readers, these ideas will be no-brainers. But you might be surprised at how many of us allow these kinds of interactions to occur in our lives.

If you’re like Web Guy and you’re learning to teach clients how to treat you, then start by writing a “Client Guide.” Write down exactly how you want your clients to deal with you. Then write some Company Guidelines to give to new clients before they pay you anything. Get clear at the start. As I wrote in Business Advice for Artists and Sensitive People, so many of us just hire people or take clients without any clarity. We just hope that the “connection” stays in tact.

2 - Learn from your Current Situation

Ask yourself how you’ve allowed certain behavior from others in your life. Take one situation where you’re tempted to see yourself as a victim, or where you feel mistreated. Ask yourself how you allowed this to happen. You’ll be amazed at how often you may have ignored your own needs or desires.

Often, this process lets you know where you get triggered or hooked. For instance, you might find yourself saying, “Well, he makes me feel guilty if I don’t do it his way!” Bingo. There’s your trigger. The guilt. Acknowledge that you still allowed it. Maybe you allowed it begrudgingly, but you allowed it so that you could avoid feeling guilty. Then, recognize that guilt is going to be something that makes you want to ignore your own owner’s manual. This is a valuable thing to know about yourself.

In my hotel room example, I recognized that I had allowed years of unacceptable treatment on the road because I had such a fear of making waves. In one scenario, when I told the promoter I wanted my hotel changed, she retorted, “Everyone stays there! No one has ever complained before!” And I could feel myself shrinking. “But all the kids are doing it!” has been a trigger for me. (So has, “You’re lucky to even have a gig!”) But because I had gotten clear that “I don’t stay in hotels that scare me,” I was able to honor my needs in that situation.

3 - Honor It and Practice It

Here’s the deal: This is a process, not an event.

There’s a learning curve to this. It’s not a one-time thing. It’s not just suddenly telling a client not to call after hours. When you’ve taught people how to treat you one way, it might take some time to change that pattern.

It might start with you letting a client know that you’ve set a new intent to spend more time with your children, and that you won’t be available for calls on the weekend. Maybe the client calls anyway. Maybe you get hooked in by the guilt. Then you feel awful afterwards, and you feel angry at that client. This just means that you need to get clear again. So, you let that client know again not to call on weekends, and that you’d like her to honor your request. You don’t have to get emotional about it. In fact, the less you get sucked in by your emotions, the better this works.

Note: Try not to communicate when you’re in a highly charged emotional state. When you’re in this state, you’re probably not teaching people how to treat you. You’re probably blaming them and making yourself into the victim. Wait until you get calm, then start at step #2 (”How did I allow this?”) and take the necessary course of action to right the situation.

Remember that this stuff takes practice and self-awareness. It is not a process of emotion. It’s a process of clarity. (And mastery!)

4 - Teach Yourself How to Treat You When That’s the Only Choice

Not everyone is going to honor your requests or your clarity. And sometimes it’s going to have to be you who treats you well. If we go back to my hotel room example, there have been times where contractually, I didn’t have much of an option in terms of getting a better hotel room. And so, I ended up paying for my own room and driving myself to a better hotel. “I don’t stay in hotel rooms that scare me” means that I don’t allow it. Period. If I don’t honor that, then I won’t feel safe with me. It has always made me happy and proud to get my own room when I needed to. You have to include yourself in this equation. If you’ve told your clients that you don’t take non-emergency calls on weekends, then you might not want to make business calls on weekends. This is how you learn to honor yourself.

And Now, for the Scary Part…

I wrote a post about taking risks a few weeks ago. Lots of times we think of taking risks, and we think about big ideas like moving to another city, starting a business, or leaving a bad relationship. But the longer I do this work, the more my risk-taking has become internal. Yes, there are big external material risks at times. (Every time I make a CD I’m taking a risk!) But these days, some of the internal risks are the scariest, because they call me to be true to myself and to honor my boundaries and my intentions. That’s where lots of us forget to stay in risk-taking mode.

The biggest risk involved in teaching people how to treat you is the risk that some of them might go away. Some friends might not call you anymore. Some clients might leave. In my situation, I might simply not get the performance date. You have to be willing to surrender those things that aren’t in alignment with how you want to be treated. They necessarily must go away. And the test is to let them.

One of the things that keeps you hanging on to them is a belief in lack. A belief that there’s not enough. There aren’t enough jobs, clients, gigs, men, women, whatever. And one of the best ways to find out that there are more than enough of these things is to be brave and selective, live by your values and standards, and watch what you do attract. You might be scared. But you won’t be disappointed.