I have no trouble not talking about people behind their backs, not criticizing people, staying in my own business, etc. It’s my default position.

The problem is that, especially for women, many social situations, organizations, and workplaces are ruled by this kind of interaction and gossip. If you try to stay out of it, people tend to view you as “aloof”, “anti-social”, “not one of us”, etc. You also are outside of “the loop” and miss out on information that is spread on the “grapevine”. It is a high price to pay, in order to be on the right side morally.

I always pay that price because I wouldn’t want to act any other way, but sometimes it has important ramifications, especially when you are in a situation where a small group of people can decide important things about your life, and which you can’t easily move on from.

People can be tempted to turn on you when they see that you are not going to fight that kind of war, and therefore you become an easy target for their malicious gossip. Unfortunately, even in “top-notch” organizations where everyone is of a mature age and “successful”, many people, even older males, are small-minded and eager to exploit anyone’s weakness by gossiping and chattering behind people’s backs.

This happened to me in my academic department when I was getting a PhD, and I was astounded at the behavior of the older professors, as well as the peers of my own age. It was worse than girls in the gym locker room in junior high, or the frightening tribalism and emotional combat that was going on in my freshman dorm at college during the sorority “rush”.

(The name of the book “Lord of the Flies” is occuring to me here – I think it is about this kind of bullying group-think – although I haven’t read the book, so I’m not sure if it’s applicable.)

So it’s great to take a stand, and stand apart, and walk away, but that is easier to do when you are self-employed, you are at a party where you don’t know the people very well, etc. It is not so easy when you are in a group of 10 or 50 or 100 people and you are stuck with them for a long time to come, and they are fighting it out to establish the hierarchy and to eliminate any competition that they can, in any way that they can.

I still refrain from gossip, backstabbing, and negative talk about others — because I couldn’t do anything else, even though taking the high road has sometimes been at a great personal cost.

I just found your blog through Martha Beck’s post on vision board. Wow, you have some very wise words and I am so glad that stumbled upon your blog! I hear you big time on the collusion thing. It’s everywhere – celebrity bashing, ex-bashing, coworker bashing and I feel in my situation, family bashing (everyone always talking about what X family member is doing). I’ve made some attempts to limit my participation in collusion – I no longer read those addictive celebrity blogs, I TRY not to participate in coworker bashing (though that’s a tough one) but I am finding the family member bashing tough to overcome/approach, especially when it’s not actually bashing just always talking about the person who isn’t there.

Thanks for your blog and keep ‘em coming!
Erin

This is a fantastic post!! Thank you for such detailed, in the trenches, honesty!

~ Diane Clancy
http://www.dianeclancy.com/blog

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I’ve known lots of people who have talked about no longer going into the teacher’s lounge. Congratulations on making that choice. And be kind to yourself about the “other situations.” I think everyone would understand! Thanks for writing!