Comments on: Collusion (Part 2)

By: jeannie kessel

jeannie kessel — Thu, 12 Feb 2009 00:04:11 +0000

hi christine-
i was just speaking with my partner a day or so ago about how people use and confuse gossip in relationships for intimacy, and well, how that actually perpetuates shallow relationships rather than intimate ones. and here i have stumbled upon your articles about “collusion”–yes, i am a bit of a late-comer to your blogs, hence the 2/11/09 response to the 7/7/06 topic–but am so grateful for the awareness and discernment you have addressed between collusion and gossip, and the importance of contracting oneself out of both. and yes, i agree, collusion does go deeper.
i have a few ideas regarding three emotional responses that i have or use to justify my defense mechanisms with others whenever i indulge in collusion; they are rage, jealousy, and revenge.

1- i think rage is a response that i use as a r-eaction to “age”. i don’t want to grow up, or take responsibility for whatever i choose to get in a “rage” about. as if to pretend i do not have control or cannot choose my response to others–like a small child.

2- jealousy is what i become when i’m feeling lousy about myself. i’ve noticed that whenever i am feeling good about me, my accomplishments, or whatever i am doing, i do not become jealous of others–regardless of their success. i most often become jealous when i am in a lousy mood or have low self esteem issues.

3- revenge is what i feel when i am of the illusion that the “end” has somehow occurred in a given situation, and that i get to have the last word. what a deception this is—burning bridges are often the poor karmic result of this option which more often hurts me, rather than the person in which i am seeking the revenge. not to mention, as you so well stated, the residual feeling of gloom and doom that lasts so much longer than any supposed “gotcha’s!”

the above emotions are observable and amendable when i remain conscious. unconsciously they become the “norm” of my daily life.
jeannie kessel

By: Diane Clancy

Diane Clancy — Sun, 06 Jan 2008 15:13:58 +0000

Hi Christine, Today I posted about these two posts and put a link to them. Thought you would be interested. Great posts! ~ Diane Clancy www.dianeclancy.com/blog

By: Diane Clancy

Diane Clancy — Fri, 04 Jan 2008 20:19:40 +0000

Hi Christine,

This is even more fantastic than the first part. I have been working on this stuff anyway … but I feel you have given me some concrete tools to make that much better process.

It is especially hard when someone else starts talking and I don’t know what to do … I tend to feel torn .. so thank you!!

~ Diane Clancy
http://www.dianeclancy.com/blog

By: Smoochdog » Blog Archive » Me? Take Something Personally?

Smoochdog » Blog Archive » Me? Take Something Personally? — Wed, 03 Oct 2007 10:59:09 +0000

[...] – not all – will be grateful that you cared enough to clear the air.” “TAKE NOTE: Colluding is the best way to perpetuate the pattern of taking things personally: “Collusion happens any [...]

By: christine

christine — Wed, 12 Jul 2006 16:33:41 +0000

Hi Delmar. I like the idea. If I were in such a group, though, the intent would have to be one of moving out beyond the negativity or the processing. Being the emotional type, I don’t want to be in any group where I’m encouraged to remain in my negative translations. I want people to give me alternate ways of looking at things and really believe that I have the capacity to step out and be bigger than my petty habits. (not that I’m suggesting this is easy!)

By: Delmar

Delmar — Wed, 12 Jul 2006 00:17:43 +0000

Christine, so what do you think about people having a sort “accountability group” so that sharing anger and fears and triggers is done in a safe enviornment BEFORE an emotional crisis occurs? Don’t let the term ‘group’ be interpreted as impersonal…it can be a mixture of trusted friends and also some who live outside your safe zone. Sort of a “mental hygiene” as opposed to “crisis management”?

Delmar

By: christine

christine — Sat, 08 Jul 2006 21:34:51 +0000

Rick…the yammering inside our heads is an ENTIRELY different blog! I’ll let you write that one!

By: Rick

Rick — Sat, 08 Jul 2006 15:13:54 +0000

And then once you learn to stop colluding with others – for the most part, at least; all our self-destructive habits seem to feel the need to resurface in subtler ways after we have learned their obvious tricks – you find out you’re colluding with yourself. That little voice inside that criticizes other people in an interior dialog sneaks in when you least expect it.

By: Susie

Susie — Fri, 07 Jul 2006 21:19:44 +0000

Wow, what a lot to think about!!! I never realized that colluding was such a thorn in my life. I’ve always tried to be the type that was, “gentle and kind while stuck in traffic,” but until now, I wasn’t conscious of my reactions and how they truly effect me.

Ever since junior high, I decided I didn’t like gossip or trash talking (personally I think it’s too much effort and it appears to lower one’s IQ), but lately I’ve noticed that there is a direct correlation between stress levels and how much I collude. Although this bad habit does SEEM like a simple and quick release, you’re right that it’s not an answer…if anything it just creates more negative energy. So, from now on I’m am consciously going to pay attention to my stress levels and colluding and if I find myself about to talk bad about others I will re-examine why I’m really upset and find a more sustainable solution. Maybe I’ll start a collusion support group too

By: christine

christine — Fri, 07 Jul 2006 17:51:18 +0000

Thanks Call Cruncher…whatever your name is! And let me know how it’s going. The first time you resist and walk away from an ordinarily tempting situation feels really good…

And David…yes to all you’ve written here. The Good Samaratin was always my favorite. I remember thinking to myself when I was a kid that everyone in the church seemed to love that story…so why were they all so mean to each other behind their backs?!

And yes, it IS all about you and your own stuff. Absolutely.