The closest I’ve come to wanting kids was last year when I was getting a haircut.
Rebecca, my stylist, was pregnant with her second child, and all the stylists were hanging around picking boy names. Rebecca and her partner had already chosen the name “Tula” if the baby was a girl. They were still uncertain about boy names.
The conversation was sheer joy. The delight was palpable among these hip women and artsy gay men. Babies on the brain. A million possible names. People touching Rebecca’s stomach. Everyone laughing with excitement.
Suddenly outta nowhere!
Ohmigod!
I wanted a baby!
I wanted that kind of attention from people. I wanted to feel the excitement of all that possibility! I wanted people to be excited about what to call my kid.
(Let’s face it. Not many people get excited about what you’ll name your next CD.)
Mostly, I wanted a daughter. And I wanted to name her “Tula.”
I began to play with the name. I imagined cute clothes for my hip artist daughter, Tula. I left the salon in a state of near hysteria. I called my friend Joy and left her a 10-minute message about how “Ohmigod what if I never have a girl named Tula? Is it possible that I’m making a huge mistake here?” (I think Joy still has that message saved for future use.)
I have friends who don’t have children and who never have moments like this one. They simply love their choice to not have children.
I, on the other hand, do have occasional moments of doubt. Usually these moments are superficial, and have less to do with me wanting to be a mother, and more to do with me getting approval and attention.
When it comes down to it, I find that I want to want to have kids. I just don’t ever hear that deeper calling.
The truth is that my creative career has been my focus. I love what I do. I grow from what I do. I am of service in what I do. Just like those reasons to have kids in the first post, this path I’ve chosen teaches me about unconditional love, present moment awareness, enlightenment and healing. No, it won’t come to visit me in the nursing home. But then again, Tula wouldn’t either. Let’s face it. She’d be too busy in her world travels to think of the mom who raised her to be so independent!
(Besides, I’m planning to spontaneously combust before a nursing home is necessary.)
The Hardest Parts about Not Having Kids
The requests I’ve received to write this series of posts have come from women who are in the midst of making their own choices about children.
So, here’s the deal. There are great things about both choices. And there are hard things about both choices.
Here are some of the bad things – from the profound to the petty – about not having kids.
1 – Your “Social Role” isn’t easily defined.
This has been huge for me.
When you don’t have children (and you’re a woman), you have to dig a little deeper for a social place and a purpose – which is a common quest for women in their 30’s and 40’s, when that nurturing energy kicks in. I’m lucky to live in a town where there are lots of women who chose not to have children – so I have models on this path!
I once heard medical-intuitive Caroline Myss talk about breast cancer. She described seeing it in some women who chose not to have kids but who never dealt with their social role and their innate need to nurture and create a purpose in life.
I believe that we are placed on this planet to serve. I believe this is our purpose. This is a very real energy. When women don’t have kids, they need to dig a little deeper for their calling and their “place.” (I think women can do this even when they do have kids, too!)
2 – The approval from older women/other women.
I was among a circle of women recently. All mothers. They all agreed that the approval and crooning of older women is a huge perk when you’re a new mom. Now, I know this can seem like a petty thing to crave. (After all, people applaud me every time I show up for my job – isn’t that enough?) But there is the slightest bit of sadness that I won’t ever experience the attention a woman gets when she’s pregnant or with young kids. Women supporting women is quite a powerful thing – and it feels good.
Note: The women in this circle who had older children said that when your children grow up, you find yourself missing all that cool attention you had when they were babies!
So, maybe the gist is that we all just need lots of support and love no matter what we’re doing in our lives!
3 – Not getting the good parking spaces.
I will never get to park in those “Stork Parking for Pregnant Moms and all their Cute Little Kids” parking spaces that are popping up all over the place.
(I happen to think there should be parking for “Women who aren’t moms who are having one of those days when they’d really like a good parking space.” So far, I haven’t seen one of these signs.)
4 – Getting angry emails from parents who read my posts about Courage
They always say things like, “Easy for you to say! You wouldn’t feel that way about taking chances if you had a few kids!”
5 – Fewer natural connections with women my age
Face it.
Women who have kids talk with other women who have kids. They talk about their kids. This is natural and normal.
I am blessed to have the best friends a girl could have, for sure. And I notice that when I am talking with, say, a high school friend I haven’t seen in many years, the conversation is almost always about her kids.
I can listen and laugh and take part because the kid thing is a universal topic of conversation that any woman understands. However, the choice to not have kids and be an artist and a ‘pioneer’ isn’t a universal topic. So it’s a little more challenging to find that common ground on my end!
Again, I treasure the friendships I do have. (I also hire my fair share of coaches and mentors who support me, and help keep me on track and moving in a positive direction. This is huge.)
——-
Now, obviously none of these items is painful enough or motivational enough to make me breed.
After all, let’s say Tula turns 9 and asks, “Mom, why did you decide to have me?”
I’d like for my answer to be more profound than: “Well, dear, I wanted some random angry emailers to like me, and I was tired of not getting the good parking spaces.”
The Best Parts about Not Having Kids
There are many days when I’m grateful that I don’t have children. I can either criticize myself for creating a life that is so perfectly designed for me and my quirkiness. (The old struggle-addicted part of me will occasionally do this.) Or I can marvel that my soul has led me to design a life that is peaceful and creative and adventurous all at once.
Here are the best parts about not having kids…
1 – No one tells me how to live my life or raise my dog.
2 – I get lots of silent time.
3 – I have lots of free time.
4 – I can travel whenever I want.
5 – I don’t have to re-live high school by watching my daughter go through it.
(This is enough to make me do a dance.)
6 – I learn to trust my choices even when they aren’t the social norm.
7 – I get to be the cool aunt to my nieces, and they get to be super-special!
8 – I can have occasional emotional days and not wonder if my dog will need therapy someday because of them.
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Christine- I fell in love with your song “Off the Ground” when I heard it on a CD called “Women’s Work”. I haven’t even gotten through enough of your site to see if I can find it (lost the CD). I just have to comment on this blog. Until recently, I felt very much the same about the kid thing. Now, I find myself six months pregnant and in utter disbelief that this is actally happening to ME! I’m so glad to see that someone’s offering this valuable advice and an open forum regarding such an important choice. As for me, I’m just going to have to get past this “holy shit” phase, but thank you on behalf of those questioning their decision not to be parents.
hi beth – i think the “hs phase” is probably quite universal. I know I’d be feeling it! But congratulations anyway! I really do think that pregnant women are just gorgeous!
(And yes, the song “off the ground” is on my cd “This Time Last Year.” You can get it on iTunes too. Thanks!)
——
And you know, as i’ve read all these comments, I keep thinking of a conversation I had with a friend of mine who has one child. She was saying that probably it’s fine to just HAVE kids without thinking about it. (She was saying, “What’s wrong with just being in your 20’s and cluelessly having kids?”) As with anything, if you think too much, you can always find too many pros and cons. And maybe if you HAVE to think too much, then it’s simply not the right choice for you! Thanks for all the cool thoughts on the topic!
Christine – I’ve been reading your blog for ages – I often seek it out when I find that fear or frustration is overtaking me and need a quick wakeup call. Just wanted to directly comment about the angry e-mails you mention from parents, challenging the notion that courageous choices are possible for parents. For my husband and myself, having our son nine months ago was actually the wake up call to living more courageously. We want him to grow up with role models who create their lives intentionally and joyfully, not parents who are resigned to becoming martyrs of the practical. I left my career in higher ed to start teaching baby and toddler yoga and spend more time at home and with friends, and my husband is turning his passion for physical fitness and wellness into a career as a trainer. I even offer childcare services to his clients! And next year I’ll be taking an adult yoga teacher training, something I’ve wanted to do for ages, but have felt “not good enough” for. For me, something about birth and my son’s infancy just shook away layers of fear and self-doubt, and made me really, really open to possibility. And I keep stumbling upon other people whose new lives as parents have inspired them to open up even further. You’ve inspired me to start writing about this journey at earthyyogamom.blogspot.com. Thanks!!
I am 33 years old, a single parent to a 4 year old, and made the decision to have my son when I was 28 after having spent my whole life up until then wondering why anyone in their right mind would want children. I love my son, absolutely, and wouldn’t trade him for anything HOWEVER as a musician/writer with a highly creative side I struggle daily with the frustration of not being able to take the necessary time to cultivate my innate desire to pursue writing & producing music, travel etc. Whatever your decision – both choices have their pros & cons. Raising a child is all consuming and not for everyone. And one day, I’m going to sing about it.
Thank you to Cynthia (comment: October 19th 10:55am)! I can completely relate to everything you’ve said.
I love it. As a 45 year old “girl” who has never felt the urge to have kids, it’s so great to be a part of the subject matter. If you ever pick up an O magazine or any other popular womans magazine, they are packed full of articles and tips on how to manage your life as a mother and put yourself first. While I totally appreciate the role of mothers and the challenges they face – it’s pretty rare to find reading that speaks to those of us who are happily married without children.
As an added bonus – we remain ageless because we don’t have kids that remind us just how old we are!
Cheers!
Oh my God, Christine…It never even occured to me that I’m going to have to relive high school through my daughters! And I have two of them, so I’ll have to relive it twice!
Maybe I can send them to a convent before that happens. Can I?
Seriously, I think it is such an individual choice, what makes an authentic life for a person. For me, it’s having children and living authentically and creatively with them. Your “work in the world” as you say, involves something else entirely, which is what is right for you. I don’t think either of us has to validate our choice by making it better somehow than the other. What is right for you is right for you; what is right for me is right for me. And, as you’ve so nicely illustrated in your post, there are plusses and minuses for either choice.
I still can’t believe I didn’t think about that high school thing…
Hi Christine,
I love your blog. Thanks again for the kid talk. I requested the topic so I was especially excited when you wrote about it. I just wanted to hear some enlightened women’s voices … kind of like a collective wisdom or a frame of reference. I thought it might help me to find some clarity. I am so grateful to everyone who commented on these 3 posts.
I’m responding to your comment: “As with anything, if you think too much, you can always find too many pros and cons. And maybe if you HAVE to think too much, then it’s simply not the right choice for you!”
For me at least I think this is not the case. My “thinking” isn’t cerebral like a pro/con list. It’s more of a whole-self journey to my buried truth. Some people (like me) have to make a conscious choice, though I wish I were like your friend for whom it was perfect to have a baby without thinking about it.
Even if deep down in our hearts we long for children, that may become obscured by major fears that must be overcome so we don’t make the fearful and wrong-for-us choice to not have children. Overcoming well-founded fears can take time and work. We may have circumstances to sort out, like building a relationship with someone we’d like to have children with. We may be working to get spiritually fit to be a parent, to let go of destructive thinking/behaviors and find some inner peace. We may be learning to take care of ourselves so we can take care of someone else too. We may be so confused that it takes a long time to realize we have always wanted children.
I’ve been waiting for some kind of message from the universe, all the while journeying to the place where the universe would finally reveal me to myself. Sorry for getting so flowery. It’s hard to explain and that’s just how it came out! In essence, I think that all my “thinking” is a clue. If I didn’t want to have children, I wouldn’t agonize so much over it. Like Naomi, I would have simply forgotten to have kids!
Peace,
Stephanie
Hi Christine -
I am a guy, so here is my perspective from my own life. In the earlier years of our marriage I/we really wanted children and I had hopes for a large family. Then eventually the reality hit home that we were infertile. During those years when many of our friends were having families I felt like someone on the outside looking in. It took me a long time to get over that. But eventually I let go and moved on.
After that we decided to adopt….but that process had it’s own quirks as you suddenly find yourself and your life being put under a microscope to determine if you are good enough. But as the adoption process continued to drag on year after year with no end in sight, we finally came to a point where we made the conscious choice to stop and choose to live child free the rest of our lives. There are multiple good pathways each of us can choose to go down during our journey through life. However, before we got around to calling the adoption agency and canceling our plans, the agency called us and told us we had been chosen by a birth mom!
So now, being parents has had its own set of unique joys and hardships and we could not be happier. I always tell myself that life is what I make of it and I will try to enjoy the journey no matter what road I am on. There is always something different and fun to look at.
Best,
Chris
Hi Christine,
I’ve been reading your blog for maybe a year, and I appreciate your perspective. I wanted to tell you that I completely agree with your point about receiving support from other women. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. I felt that support/attention when I married, and I was completely blindsided by it. I had not felt any support like that before or since, and because we are not having children I don’t expect to feel it again.
I think that support is why I occationally envy my friends with kids. I know their lives aren’t easy, but when I think of them that’s the adjective that pops into my head. I think that support system is why I think it’s easy, but I had never been able to articulate that before. Thank you.
Jen
I sense some animosity among some of the women with kids vs. those without. This is the very issue about choosing to not have children. You are out of the “club”, because you don’t have a child. I do not have children and have friends that have confessed to me if they had it all to do over, they would not have children. Often it is not the children, it is how their lives change, how their husbands change, how their day to day routing changes, how money changes, and how other things change that they don’t anticipate! Not that they would ever admit this to one of the mom’s with kids, but to a single childless women (aka: me), they all have their weak moments, several more than once….
Hi Christine-
I happened to come across this topic and I’m glad I did. The posts here have been so enlightening.
I’m in my 20’s and have been married for 2 years. Neither me nor my husband wants children, especially after seeing our sisters’ have daughters. We love our nieces but we see how difficult and trying it is to raise them and change the daily routine.
I’ve *never* been one to follow the crowd, but within the past few months, quite a few women I know closely and not closely have gotten pregnant. At some point, I stepped back and thought “WHOA….they are all around my age.” One great thing I took from your first post is that there’s a part of me that wants to want kids. However, nothing deeper on a maternal level is there. I may be somewhat young but this is an issue in my life and it will probably continue to be, especially since my mother-in-law is old-fashioned and expects us to have a child one day. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on such a sensitive topic. I will check out your music!
there once was an actual need to bear children; to help work the fields in order to feed the family. it was the natural order. now it’s soccer practice and expensive camps during school breaks and the headaches of public schools and two working parents and junk food.
there is no biological imperative to have children. they are clearly an amazing life-changing experience but you are not required to have them! AND it is definitely NOT SELFISH to not have kids considering how many people look down on you! it’s obvious in the above posts that many people feed off the attention and built-in social life that parenting brings. it’s the child-free that are on the outside. so who is being selfish, really?
before anyone calls a child-free couple selfish they should ask themselves why they had children themselves. was it because NOT having them was too out of the norm, too weird? that alone is selfish – to have children out of fear of societal judgement…
Well hello, I am in my early 20’s but I don’t think I’ll ever get the urge of having children. I was thinking about this and googled for some opinions and found this amazing blog. Yes, it may be hard sometimes and for society it may be part of women’s role, but what about our role as a single person? I have some friends that have been wanting to have kids since they were 15. Then, there was me that even during adolescence was being judged for not wanting a kid. So there was one time when I thought… is something wrong with me? or should I go to a shrink. Am I really that different? Finally I got to the answer. People are afraid of being alone.
Its not that much of a certain role or anything is about companionship. That dreadful question that everyone ask themselves once in a while, will I end up alone? Even if you get married and think that you’ll have the love of your life beside you always, there is a certain possibility that you won’t. After all what are statics for? So people have kids to be in a certain box, a box that says “yes, today I’m alone, but tomorrow my kid will show up or something”. I think of it as an excuse to fase the horror of being SOLO.
Anyway, I happen to be an only child so I won’t ever get to be that hip and cool aunt that you are so proud of being. I’d love that, that’s why I’m becoming a godmother soon enough and I’ll be that cool aunt although not blood connected.
Another thing just hit me. I have an aunt who just had a kid at 45. She’s judged for having a kid too old. I mean do you have to have children a certain age for people to accept you, too???
Thank-you to everyone for your input on the having kids issue. I am 35 and have been married for 15 years. I know in my heart that I do no want to have children and cannot think of a time throughout my life when I did want children.
This is a very big milestone to reach, especially as a woman. I have tried to understand why people do want children. For some people it is just natural and flows with their life path. However, I do think that many people (both women and men) choose to have children for reasons that are troubling to me. People feel that being a parent gives them legitimacy in the eyes of greater society but especially among their family and friends (especially their parents).
I think that many people, in their late 20’s/early 30’s begin to have a glimpse of a spiritual crisis- who am I, what is my purpose. Before it gets too scary they fill in that blank space by becoming parents. After the kids go off to college, the empty nest kicks in and who returns… yep the who am I, what is my purpose feeling that was put off for 2 decades.
This is then when parents start to long for grandchildren – ahh… yes now my purpose is to be a grandparent and hopefully have a grandson so that as I approach the end of my life I can feel that my family (and name) will continue on.
This then adds to the pressure for a whole new generation of people in their late 20’s/early 30’s to start to have children… and on and on it goes.
I have enjoyed reading all of the different opinions on this blog and I love your you tube videos Christine.
As your blog regarding the best and worst trickled into my inbox, I read with shear bewilderment that you had written this fantastic article about me!! I am 36 and have no plans to have babies…(I have 4 and they all have 4-legs and a tail!!) I have received more than enough “friendly reminders” that I will not have any visitors in the RETIREMENT HOME, and that I must be selfish to now want to have babies!! Funny, my husband and I see it quite the opposite. That we are not so self absorbed that we have babies for the need of attention, or to satisfy society’s expectations of our age-group! I will not lie, I have that fleeting desire to decorate a little girl’s room…but it is just that FLEETING!!! I think the biggest part of being a non-parent is the sorority of soccer moms that I will never be a part of. I live in small but substantial university town where there is this whose who connection of whose little league team you kiddo is on and well, frankly, if you are a 30 something without kids, you must be destitute!
I love my life, I love my husband and I absolutely love my 4 Boston terriers! Sure I wonder what a reproduction combo of my husband and I would look like, but I think I will just live in mystery!
Thank you for these posts. They have been really helpful, especially today… My fiance just told me today that he does not want anymore kids (he has a 12 year old that lives with us). I feel like I now have to choose between him and having kids… Still not sure what to do…
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