Comments on: The Best and Worst about Not Having Kids http://christinekane.com/blog/the-best-and-worst-about-not-having-kids/ Be Creative. Be Conscious. Be Courageous. Fri, 12 Mar 2010 22:02:55 -0600 http://wordpress.org/?v=2.8 hourly 1 By: Sarah http://christinekane.com/blog/the-best-and-worst-about-not-having-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-336525 Sarah Mon, 22 Feb 2010 22:02:44 +0000 http://christinekane.com/blog/the-best-and-worst-about-not-having-kids/#comment-336525 Thank you for these posts. They have been really helpful, especially today... My fiance just told me today that he does not want anymore kids (he has a 12 year old that lives with us). I feel like I now have to choose between him and having kids... Still not sure what to do... Thank you for these posts. They have been really helpful, especially today… My fiance just told me today that he does not want anymore kids (he has a 12 year old that lives with us). I feel like I now have to choose between him and having kids… Still not sure what to do…

]]> By: Jamie Woods http://christinekane.com/blog/the-best-and-worst-about-not-having-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-333406 Jamie Woods Wed, 17 Feb 2010 15:46:21 +0000 http://christinekane.com/blog/the-best-and-worst-about-not-having-kids/#comment-333406 As your blog regarding the best and worst trickled into my inbox, I read with shear bewilderment that you had written this fantastic article about me!! I am 36 and have no plans to have babies...(I have 4 and they all have 4-legs and a tail!!) I have received more than enough "friendly reminders" that I will not have any visitors in the RETIREMENT HOME, and that I must be selfish to now want to have babies!! Funny, my husband and I see it quite the opposite. That we are not so self absorbed that we have babies for the need of attention, or to satisfy society's expectations of our age-group! I will not lie, I have that fleeting desire to decorate a little girl's room...but it is just that FLEETING!!! I think the biggest part of being a non-parent is the sorority of soccer moms that I will never be a part of. I live in small but substantial university town where there is this whose who connection of whose little league team you kiddo is on and well, frankly, if you are a 30 something without kids, you must be destitute! I love my life, I love my husband and I absolutely love my 4 Boston terriers! Sure I wonder what a reproduction combo of my husband and I would look like, but I think I will just live in mystery! As your blog regarding the best and worst trickled into my inbox, I read with shear bewilderment that you had written this fantastic article about me!! I am 36 and have no plans to have babies…(I have 4 and they all have 4-legs and a tail!!) I have received more than enough “friendly reminders” that I will not have any visitors in the RETIREMENT HOME, and that I must be selfish to now want to have babies!! Funny, my husband and I see it quite the opposite. That we are not so self absorbed that we have babies for the need of attention, or to satisfy society’s expectations of our age-group! I will not lie, I have that fleeting desire to decorate a little girl’s room…but it is just that FLEETING!!! I think the biggest part of being a non-parent is the sorority of soccer moms that I will never be a part of. I live in small but substantial university town where there is this whose who connection of whose little league team you kiddo is on and well, frankly, if you are a 30 something without kids, you must be destitute!

I love my life, I love my husband and I absolutely love my 4 Boston terriers! Sure I wonder what a reproduction combo of my husband and I would look like, but I think I will just live in mystery!

]]> By: janet http://christinekane.com/blog/the-best-and-worst-about-not-having-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-318014 janet Sun, 10 Jan 2010 16:55:54 +0000 http://christinekane.com/blog/the-best-and-worst-about-not-having-kids/#comment-318014 I have enjoyed reading all of the different opinions on this blog and I love your you tube videos Christine. I have enjoyed reading all of the different opinions on this blog and I love your you tube videos Christine.

]]> By: liza http://christinekane.com/blog/the-best-and-worst-about-not-having-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-317400 liza Sat, 09 Jan 2010 03:53:34 +0000 http://christinekane.com/blog/the-best-and-worst-about-not-having-kids/#comment-317400 Thank-you to everyone for your input on the having kids issue. I am 35 and have been married for 15 years. I know in my heart that I do no want to have children and cannot think of a time throughout my life when I did want children. This is a very big milestone to reach, especially as a woman. I have tried to understand why people do want children. For some people it is just natural and flows with their life path. However, I do think that many people (both women and men) choose to have children for reasons that are troubling to me. People feel that being a parent gives them legitimacy in the eyes of greater society but especially among their family and friends (especially their parents). I think that many people, in their late 20's/early 30's begin to have a glimpse of a spiritual crisis- who am I, what is my purpose. Before it gets too scary they fill in that blank space by becoming parents. After the kids go off to college, the empty nest kicks in and who returns... yep the who am I, what is my purpose feeling that was put off for 2 decades. This is then when parents start to long for grandchildren - ahh... yes now my purpose is to be a grandparent and hopefully have a grandson so that as I approach the end of my life I can feel that my family (and name) will continue on. This then adds to the pressure for a whole new generation of people in their late 20's/early 30's to start to have children... and on and on it goes. Thank-you to everyone for your input on the having kids issue. I am 35 and have been married for 15 years. I know in my heart that I do no want to have children and cannot think of a time throughout my life when I did want children.

This is a very big milestone to reach, especially as a woman. I have tried to understand why people do want children. For some people it is just natural and flows with their life path. However, I do think that many people (both women and men) choose to have children for reasons that are troubling to me. People feel that being a parent gives them legitimacy in the eyes of greater society but especially among their family and friends (especially their parents).

I think that many people, in their late 20’s/early 30’s begin to have a glimpse of a spiritual crisis- who am I, what is my purpose. Before it gets too scary they fill in that blank space by becoming parents. After the kids go off to college, the empty nest kicks in and who returns… yep the who am I, what is my purpose feeling that was put off for 2 decades.

This is then when parents start to long for grandchildren – ahh… yes now my purpose is to be a grandparent and hopefully have a grandson so that as I approach the end of my life I can feel that my family (and name) will continue on.

This then adds to the pressure for a whole new generation of people in their late 20’s/early 30’s to start to have children… and on and on it goes.

]]> By: Mariana http://christinekane.com/blog/the-best-and-worst-about-not-having-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-272850 Mariana Mon, 27 Jul 2009 07:09:53 +0000 http://christinekane.com/blog/the-best-and-worst-about-not-having-kids/#comment-272850 Well hello, I am in my early 20's but I don't think I'll ever get the urge of having children. I was thinking about this and googled for some opinions and found this amazing blog. Yes, it may be hard sometimes and for society it may be part of women's role, but what about our role as a single person? I have some friends that have been wanting to have kids since they were 15. Then, there was me that even during adolescence was being judged for not wanting a kid. So there was one time when I thought... is something wrong with me? or should I go to a shrink. Am I really that different? Finally I got to the answer. People are afraid of being alone. Its not that much of a certain role or anything is about companionship. That dreadful question that everyone ask themselves once in a while, will I end up alone? Even if you get married and think that you'll have the love of your life beside you always, there is a certain possibility that you won't. After all what are statics for? So people have kids to be in a certain box, a box that says "yes, today I'm alone, but tomorrow my kid will show up or something". I think of it as an excuse to fase the horror of being SOLO. Anyway, I happen to be an only child so I won't ever get to be that hip and cool aunt that you are so proud of being. I'd love that, that's why I'm becoming a godmother soon enough and I'll be that cool aunt although not blood connected. Another thing just hit me. I have an aunt who just had a kid at 45. She's judged for having a kid too old. I mean do you have to have children a certain age for people to accept you, too??? Well hello, I am in my early 20’s but I don’t think I’ll ever get the urge of having children. I was thinking about this and googled for some opinions and found this amazing blog. Yes, it may be hard sometimes and for society it may be part of women’s role, but what about our role as a single person? I have some friends that have been wanting to have kids since they were 15. Then, there was me that even during adolescence was being judged for not wanting a kid. So there was one time when I thought… is something wrong with me? or should I go to a shrink. Am I really that different? Finally I got to the answer. People are afraid of being alone.
Its not that much of a certain role or anything is about companionship. That dreadful question that everyone ask themselves once in a while, will I end up alone? Even if you get married and think that you’ll have the love of your life beside you always, there is a certain possibility that you won’t. After all what are statics for? So people have kids to be in a certain box, a box that says “yes, today I’m alone, but tomorrow my kid will show up or something”. I think of it as an excuse to fase the horror of being SOLO.
Anyway, I happen to be an only child so I won’t ever get to be that hip and cool aunt that you are so proud of being. I’d love that, that’s why I’m becoming a godmother soon enough and I’ll be that cool aunt although not blood connected.
Another thing just hit me. I have an aunt who just had a kid at 45. She’s judged for having a kid too old. I mean do you have to have children a certain age for people to accept you, too???

]]> By: sandra http://christinekane.com/blog/the-best-and-worst-about-not-having-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-250695 sandra Sat, 16 May 2009 06:23:41 +0000 http://christinekane.com/blog/the-best-and-worst-about-not-having-kids/#comment-250695 there once was an actual need to bear children; to help work the fields in order to feed the family. it was the natural order. now it's soccer practice and expensive camps during school breaks and the headaches of public schools and two working parents and junk food. there is no biological imperative to have children. they are clearly an amazing life-changing experience but you are not required to have them! AND it is definitely NOT SELFISH to not have kids considering how many people look down on you! it's obvious in the above posts that many people feed off the attention and built-in social life that parenting brings. it's the child-free that are on the outside. so who is being selfish, really? before anyone calls a child-free couple selfish they should ask themselves why they had children themselves. was it because NOT having them was too out of the norm, too weird? that alone is selfish - to have children out of fear of societal judgement... there once was an actual need to bear children; to help work the fields in order to feed the family. it was the natural order. now it’s soccer practice and expensive camps during school breaks and the headaches of public schools and two working parents and junk food.

there is no biological imperative to have children. they are clearly an amazing life-changing experience but you are not required to have them! AND it is definitely NOT SELFISH to not have kids considering how many people look down on you! it’s obvious in the above posts that many people feed off the attention and built-in social life that parenting brings. it’s the child-free that are on the outside. so who is being selfish, really?

before anyone calls a child-free couple selfish they should ask themselves why they had children themselves. was it because NOT having them was too out of the norm, too weird? that alone is selfish – to have children out of fear of societal judgement…

]]> By: Kate http://christinekane.com/blog/the-best-and-worst-about-not-having-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-229044 Kate Thu, 05 Mar 2009 17:29:59 +0000 http://christinekane.com/blog/the-best-and-worst-about-not-having-kids/#comment-229044 Hi Christine- I happened to come across this topic and I'm glad I did. The posts here have been so enlightening. I'm in my 20's and have been married for 2 years. Neither me nor my husband wants children, especially after seeing our sisters' have daughters. We love our nieces but we see how difficult and trying it is to raise them and change the daily routine. I've *never* been one to follow the crowd, but within the past few months, quite a few women I know closely and not closely have gotten pregnant. At some point, I stepped back and thought "WHOA....they are all around my age." One great thing I took from your first post is that there's a part of me that wants to want kids. However, nothing deeper on a maternal level is there. I may be somewhat young but this is an issue in my life and it will probably continue to be, especially since my mother-in-law is old-fashioned and expects us to have a child one day. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on such a sensitive topic. I will check out your music! Hi Christine-

I happened to come across this topic and I’m glad I did. The posts here have been so enlightening.

I’m in my 20’s and have been married for 2 years. Neither me nor my husband wants children, especially after seeing our sisters’ have daughters. We love our nieces but we see how difficult and trying it is to raise them and change the daily routine.

I’ve *never* been one to follow the crowd, but within the past few months, quite a few women I know closely and not closely have gotten pregnant. At some point, I stepped back and thought “WHOA….they are all around my age.” One great thing I took from your first post is that there’s a part of me that wants to want kids. However, nothing deeper on a maternal level is there. I may be somewhat young but this is an issue in my life and it will probably continue to be, especially since my mother-in-law is old-fashioned and expects us to have a child one day. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on such a sensitive topic. I will check out your music!

]]> By: Terri Anne http://christinekane.com/blog/the-best-and-worst-about-not-having-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-212377 Terri Anne Fri, 16 Jan 2009 16:23:41 +0000 http://christinekane.com/blog/the-best-and-worst-about-not-having-kids/#comment-212377 I sense some animosity among some of the women with kids vs. those without. This is the very issue about choosing to not have children. You are out of the "club", because you don't have a child. I do not have children and have friends that have confessed to me if they had it all to do over, they would not have children. Often it is not the children, it is how their lives change, how their husbands change, how their day to day routing changes, how money changes, and how other things change that they don't anticipate! Not that they would ever admit this to one of the mom's with kids, but to a single childless women (aka: me), they all have their weak moments, several more than once.... I sense some animosity among some of the women with kids vs. those without. This is the very issue about choosing to not have children. You are out of the “club”, because you don’t have a child. I do not have children and have friends that have confessed to me if they had it all to do over, they would not have children. Often it is not the children, it is how their lives change, how their husbands change, how their day to day routing changes, how money changes, and how other things change that they don’t anticipate! Not that they would ever admit this to one of the mom’s with kids, but to a single childless women (aka: me), they all have their weak moments, several more than once….

]]> By: Jen http://christinekane.com/blog/the-best-and-worst-about-not-having-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-185220 Jen Thu, 30 Oct 2008 04:18:55 +0000 http://christinekane.com/blog/the-best-and-worst-about-not-having-kids/#comment-185220 Hi Christine, I've been reading your blog for maybe a year, and I appreciate your perspective. I wanted to tell you that I completely agree with your point about receiving support from other women. I've been thinking about that a lot lately. I felt that support/attention when I married, and I was completely blindsided by it. I had not felt any support like that before or since, and because we are not having children I don't expect to feel it again. I think that support is why I occationally envy my friends with kids. I know their lives aren't easy, but when I think of them that's the adjective that pops into my head. I think that support system is why I think it's easy, but I had never been able to articulate that before. Thank you. Jen Hi Christine,

I’ve been reading your blog for maybe a year, and I appreciate your perspective. I wanted to tell you that I completely agree with your point about receiving support from other women. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. I felt that support/attention when I married, and I was completely blindsided by it. I had not felt any support like that before or since, and because we are not having children I don’t expect to feel it again.

I think that support is why I occationally envy my friends with kids. I know their lives aren’t easy, but when I think of them that’s the adjective that pops into my head. I think that support system is why I think it’s easy, but I had never been able to articulate that before. Thank you.

Jen

]]> By: Chris Hartzog http://christinekane.com/blog/the-best-and-worst-about-not-having-kids/comment-page-2/#comment-185074 Chris Hartzog Wed, 29 Oct 2008 15:10:06 +0000 http://christinekane.com/blog/the-best-and-worst-about-not-having-kids/#comment-185074 Hi Christine - I am a guy, so here is my perspective from my own life. In the earlier years of our marriage I/we really wanted children and I had hopes for a large family. Then eventually the reality hit home that we were infertile. During those years when many of our friends were having families I felt like someone on the outside looking in. It took me a long time to get over that. But eventually I let go and moved on. After that we decided to adopt....but that process had it's own quirks as you suddenly find yourself and your life being put under a microscope to determine if you are good enough. But as the adoption process continued to drag on year after year with no end in sight, we finally came to a point where we made the conscious choice to stop and choose to live child free the rest of our lives. There are multiple good pathways each of us can choose to go down during our journey through life. However, before we got around to calling the adoption agency and canceling our plans, the agency called us and told us we had been chosen by a birth mom! So now, being parents has had its own set of unique joys and hardships and we could not be happier. I always tell myself that life is what I make of it and I will try to enjoy the journey no matter what road I am on. There is always something different and fun to look at. Best, Chris Hi Christine -

I am a guy, so here is my perspective from my own life. In the earlier years of our marriage I/we really wanted children and I had hopes for a large family. Then eventually the reality hit home that we were infertile. During those years when many of our friends were having families I felt like someone on the outside looking in. It took me a long time to get over that. But eventually I let go and moved on.

After that we decided to adopt….but that process had it’s own quirks as you suddenly find yourself and your life being put under a microscope to determine if you are good enough. But as the adoption process continued to drag on year after year with no end in sight, we finally came to a point where we made the conscious choice to stop and choose to live child free the rest of our lives. There are multiple good pathways each of us can choose to go down during our journey through life. However, before we got around to calling the adoption agency and canceling our plans, the agency called us and told us we had been chosen by a birth mom!

So now, being parents has had its own set of unique joys and hardships and we could not be happier. I always tell myself that life is what I make of it and I will try to enjoy the journey no matter what road I am on. There is always something different and fun to look at.

Best,

Chris

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