Uncertainty: The Invite We've all Been Waiting For - Christine Kane

Today’s post is a guest post by best-selling author Jennifer Louden. Jennifer is a life coach and a pioneer in the personal growth field. She has appeared on Oprah, and her newest book is The Life Organizer: A Woman’s Guide to A Mindful Year. See below for an exciting offer on Jennifer’s next event: The Comfort Queen’s Virtual Retreat!

“Things are always in transition, if we could only realize that. Nothing ever sums itself up in the way that we like to dream about. The off-center, in-between state is an ideal situation, a situation in which we don’t get caught and we can open our hearts and mind beyond limit. It’s a very tender, non-aggressive, open-ended state of affairs”¦”
Pema Chodron, When Things Fall Apart

It’s a week away from the inauguration and the comfort of hope buoys us at the same time we are tossed and turned daily, sometimes hourly, by the uncertainty sweeping the world, tossing us to and fro.

“¢ Yesterday a friend announces, “Either were moving across the country or he loses his job. We find out this week.”

“¢ An Israeli woman comments on my blog about feeling guilty for seeking inner calm when Hamas are using children for human shields less than 10 miles away.

“¢ A client waits for a diagnosis.

“¢ My boyfriend wonders if his job of ten years for a global non-profit is disappearing””and with it, his irreplaceable environmental work.

Meanwhile, I keep hearing people, including myself, saying, “When _____ happens, then things will be better” — when Obama takes office, when I get a job, when I know I won’t be laid off, when I finish my novel and sell it, when my partner gets well, etc.

It’s the way our brains work: we believe that whenever what is twisting us in knots is resolved, we will finally be okay.

I call this the When-Then Syndrome – you see it most often around people pursuing their dreams (when the kids are in school, then I will take improv) or simple self-care (when I get through this big project, then I’ll start exercising.)

Only suddenly, the When-Thens for a whole bunch of us have gotten very big, very scary, and the time frame in which they may get resolved has become pretty nebulous.

It’s like we’re being invited to either be swamped by fear, to collapse and be victims

or

to give up on illusory safety — that oh so tempting idea that once something out there is all shiny and good, everything in here will be, too.

We’re being invited instead to develop the skills to be calm(ish) and centered(ish) no matter what is happening.

We’re being nudged (or shoved) to learn that our well-being is not dependent on anything outside of ourselves nor on knowing what’s going to happen in the end — which is good, since that would mean we would never, ever get off the couch.

Instead, we’re being shown that our well-being resides in increasing our trust in ourselves, our resiliency and our ability to return to our centers, over and over again.

Or as Pema says, “”We can learn to meet whatever arises with curiosity and not make it such a big deal. Instead of struggling against the force of confusion, we could met it and relax. When we do that, we gradually discover that clarity is always there.”

Really?

Always?

How?

Here’s a couple of thoughts:

“¢ Calm the body: you can’t find your center if you are flooded with stress hormones; go outside and feel your feet on the earth, take some deep breaths, look up at the sky and think about the vast expanse of life ever unfolding.

“¢ Question your thoughts: “Is it true that I can’t feel safe until I have a job? How do I know that’s true? Have I ever felt good when I didn’t know something ?” Be curious and gentle in your questioning.

“¢ Reach out to others: make a sandwich for a homeless person, call a friend who’s sick, help your mom with her computer problem.

“¢ Invite your feelings in for a chat: If you are afraid, tense, worried, fretful, overwhelmed, remind yourself you are not just these feelings and that these feelings like to be welcomed in, seen and heard, like all of us do. “What would you like me to know?” is a powerful question to pose, perhaps in writing and answer with your non-dominant hand.

“¢ Accept what is happening: see if you can, even a few seconds, accept whatever you are feeling, thinking or experiencing instead of shoving it away or wishing it weren’t there. “I notice my shoulders are up around my ears and I really want to write something smart and clever because Christine is such a good writer and what if her audience doesn’t like my post?” Right now, I can invite myself to stop and feel the wanting to be good, the wish I was already finished writing and could go eat lunch, the fearful tang of failure. I don’t let it define me or rule me and I keep letting the urge to feel different, to be different than I am, drop away.

As usual, a poet says it best:

“Stand still. The trees ahead and the bushes beside you
Are not lost. Wherever you are is called Here,
And you must not treat it as a powerful stranger,
Must ask permission to know it and be known.”
Lost by David Waggoner

It is the last line I repeat to myself, and invite you to use as a mantra, too, whispered heart instructions: “Must ask permission to know it and be known.”

Being known comes when we stop our frenetic doing, worrying and trying for even a breath. It comes when we realize we do have clarity to discern our next step. It comes when we let ourselves feel whatever we are feeling without being defined by it. By finding our self in our bodies, we can feel that we really are okay.

And so we are.

——————————-

Looking to find calm, comfort and confidence in these uncertain times? Join 10 bestselling authors, speakers and teachers at the “Comfort Queen’s” 2009 Virtual Retreat January 16th-19th and discover how to stay centered and happy in the middle of a rapidly changing world – no travel required! Call in live or download over a dozen powerful retreat sessions at your convenience and get the soul-nourishing support you need to make this YOUR year. Click here for more details!

14 COMMENTS ADD A COMMENT
  • Ellsea

    Thank you for posting this. It has reminded me, in the middle of another manic week with more than its fair share of alarms and excursions, that just taking a moment to acknowledge it all rather than trying to shrug it off relieves so much of the pressure and worry in the situation. It’s also a good reminder of how far I’ve come since I decided to let go of paid employment and see how far I could realise my dreams.

  • Jennifer Louden

    Thanks Joely and KMG for your insights – thanks everybody. It helps to feel less alone in the uncertainty. Here we are, together, putting our feet on the floor and seeing what’s next. Just wrote another post about all this http://is.gd/fLvn

  • Joely Black

    I feel a great deal of uncertainty at the moment. This felt timely for me, it reminded me how uncertain I’m feeling, how afraid I am of trusting, and also how difficult I find it to welcome those feelings. I want them to go away! So instead, I’m starting with the process of welcoming the fact that I don’t want to welcome the feelings, which is actually working rather well!

  • KMG

    Christine, along the lines “invite your feelings in for a chat”:

    I’ve been experimenting with something similar. If you have difficulty catching those feelings, you can try to watch for the physical feeling that usually accompanies emotional distress. For instance, a churning in your belly or a pang in your heart as you thing about something upsetting. If you can fully pay attention to this physical feeling and allow it to exist without ruminating on the stressful event (in other words FEEL it, not think it), you might find that it dissipates fairly quickly and takes the stress and fear with it. Eckhart Tolle mentions this in his books. I always thought it would be really obvious, like “Oh, I’m so angry and my stomach is killing me!” but instead, I find that these physical feelings sit below my everyday radar most of the time. Awareness takes practice.

    Thanks, this is a timely post for many people.

  • Cynthia LaLuna | Rowboat Media

    Thank you so much – the right post at exactly the right time. I have Pema’s book on my bedside table at this very moment! Her teachings are deceptively simple, but not easy. I have never so been uncertain of so many things – and been forced to release the exact details of solutions to current crises to the Universe – as I am now. But today the sun is shining (finally), the sky is brilliant blue, and my backside is leaving this office chair to go put my feet on the ground and remind myself of what “here” really means before I return to the electronic world of things that just don’t matter all that much.

    This post was a gift.

  • Lance

    Hi Jennifer (and Christine),

    This is wonderful writing. Uncertainty…is that not a good way to describe life. It is all so uncertain. Even when things seem certain. Even when all seems okay. Uncertainty looms. It always does, even if we don’t see it as such. And that’s all for living in the now. Interestingly, there’s been a good discussion going on about living in the moment over on my blog the last couple of days. And it has made me realize, more and more, how much this very moment, right now, means. It is all we have for certain…

    Jennifer, thank you for writing this, for reminding me, that I am really okay. And that is something I can hold onto…

  • Jennifer Louden

    Thanks every one for the thoughtful comments! I hope some of you can join in at the retreat http://www.comfortretreats.com – it will help!

    And Lillithmother I know how you feel, I feel like I learn this, get it, write about it, and then bam, what was that I learned?

    I wrote a whole bunch more in the last five days at my blog, should you need anymore. 🙂

  • Keena

    This is such a simple concept, but so hard to remember when we are reacting – and resisting – all the chaos that life throws at us every single day. We need to be present, and remember that it is our thoughts that creates our emotions, which in turn causes our stress, our racing hearts and minds. We need to remember to stop – just stop. Breathe. And know that in this very moment we are okay, and that whatever it is we can get through it. We are strong and capable. We are the creators of our own experiences – let’s make them what we want!

  • Giulietta

    Thanks for the great post Jennifer. Your virtual retreat looks good.

    We spend our entire lives asking others for permission to feel o.k. when the only real way to feel o.k. is to give ourselves permission.

    We are born o.k. and we have always been o.k.

    Giulietta
    Dare to be different. Dare to be you!

  • Kathy

    wow. what an amazing post. I think you’ve summed it up. uncertainty. it is uncomfortable but is truly a gift. I’ve been trying to figure out what is keeping me on the couch and I think that’s it. Uncertainty in the world, uncertainty with my career, our finances, uncertainty about what’s next for people I love struggling with transition even more than I am. I love the quote from David Waggoner. The line that jumped out at me was “Wherever you are is called Here.” Today I am getting up off the couch. I am going outside. I am putting my feet on the ground and will reflect on this post. Thank you for giving me the inspiration I need to move forward today.

  • Lillithmother

    Reading this I find myself not able to absorb or even understand it all. I’m not sure if it’s because there’s so much going on this morning that I’m not able to concentrate or…I’m resistant to your words and wisdom shattering my inner beliefs about the unstability of uncertainty (and how can anyone find inner peace within the chaos of it all?). WHich means I’ll be back…to read and re-read this…

    Thank you Jennifer…

    Peace,

  • Andrea

    This is just what I needed to hear right now. Thank you for this post.
    I have been making a discipline of surrendering whatever fear, tension, worry, or anger I am feeling to the universe and letting things be. It is amazing within seconds of doing this something changes in my body and I can breathe again.
    Your words and the quotes you provide are a profound “yes” to my attempt to learn this.

  • Sue

    The comment about the Israeli woman gave me chills. Reminded me that we’re all looking for the same thing regardless of circumstance. Great post!!

  • Tre

    really well written and said.
    very inviting invite 🙂
    finding peace now. defending it now. being it now.
    here’s goes…:)