Word of the Year: Gentleness

Note: December is Word-of-the-Year Month at Christine’s Blog.  As we roll into another New Year, each day will feature a new guest blogger who chose one word as a way of setting intention for her whole year.  Today’s guest is Christi Bass.

As I looked over Christine’s list of suggested words at the end of 2007, I was drawn to one in particular: gentleness.  I started out with the idea of encouraging myself to make better choices for food and movement in a wholesome, positive way (as opposed to berating myself or going on a strict diet).

Of course the concept of gentleness quickly evolved far beyond that.

The pattern of ‘beating up on myself’ was one that I started noticing everywhere.  An inner critic chastised me for everything from my interactions with others to my reflection in the mirror to my creative attempts at art and writing to my (admittedly distracted) methods of housekeeping.

It seemed that the minute I had decided to focus upon gentleness, I found self-flagellation.

It became sort of meta-, in that I had to then avoid beating up on myself for beating up on myself.  It spiraled inward.

What did I do?

I talked with my therapist about what I was seeing and feeling.  I worked on actively developing new thought patterns.  I ended up actually changing antidepressants, which helped considerably.  During this time, I tried to focus on proactive steps rather than reacting.  I tried to keep my word in mind.

2008 held lots of challenges.  In addition to my increased struggle with depression at the beginning of the year, I ended up having emergency gallbladder surgery in March.  A close friend was diagnosed with diabetes.  My grandmother died.  My father got really sick and had to see a specialist (he’s better now).  My husband’s chronic illness worsened and he ended up in the hospital for a few days; we’re having to consult with a surgeon about treatment options currently.

I realized, in dealing with each of these situations, that I tend to blame myself in order to feel the illusion of control.  Realizing this helped me to let go a little more, to surrender into the unknown.  I started being kind to myself during moments of pain.

I also took an art class for the first time this year, and in the process of learning to draw I began to see the world, and my own form, as truly beautiful – not in a conventional sense, but in a unique and precious way.  I saw miracles in each tiny shape, in the way the curve of one person’s shoulder is different from another.  And I also had to take a breath and let go of the constant ‘mistakes’ and adjustments during the process of putting pencil or charcoal to paper and creating something recognizable.

I allowed myself (despite the voice saying “selfish” and “you shouldn’t” to take a beautiful, solo trip to visit friends in Seattle in May.  (And my husband and kids did just fine while I was gone.)

Another turning point came when I was reading a friend’s blog.  Gena Radcliffe wrote, “I am not interested in perfect, unmarked people, inside or out.  Our bodies tell our stories; the scars and the flaws we bear are their chapters and sentences.”

That quote resonated with me; I studied it and applied it to my own life.  I am not perfect because no one is.  I love and am loved in imperfection.  The curve of my nose, the folds of my double chin, the crinkles of my eyes, the cowlick wrapping itself against my forehead…each tiny part makes the whole, and what’s true for me in that sense is true for everyone.  I learned to temper my judgments, to view both myself and others through a softer lens.

A friend asked many of us to write vignettes for her birthday and gather and read them to each other.  It was a life-changing experience for me, and I found so much power in this gathering of women.  None of us was perfect – none of us found the perfect words or had the perfect lives – and we were each brave and magnificent.

“I want to fall in love with myself,” I wrote as part of that exercise.   I took pleasure in accomplishments, orchestrated an elaborate birthday surprise for another friend, volunteered for a presidential campaign, exercised, gave up caffeine and then started drinking it again.

Through all of these experiences, I’ve had to remind myself repeatedly of my word.  It hasn’t been easy, but this year has definitely been life-changing.  Gentleness has truly become a way of life for me…except when it isn’t, and then I’m able to forgive myself, to move back into a more loving space.

I had a hard time with this exercise of writing a guest blog entry…until I remembered that I could apply gentleness here too.  These aren’t the perfect words – I wish they were – but they are the best ones that I can muster at this time.  I hope that they will speak to you. Perhaps they can encourage you in your own journey for 2009 and beyond.

Tagged as: Personal Growth, word-of-the-year

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