Creating College: 5 Things I Wish I Knew as an Undergrad - Christine Kane

Two weeks ago, I flew to Philadelphia to give the keynote address at a college orientation.  The title of my address was the title of this post.  This is not a copy of the actual speech (as several have requested), but this is the basic stuff.

The advice given to college students is constant, often conflicting, and mostly overwhelming.  In my experience, college-centered advice is rivaled only by the many messages of the health-food industry.  Lots of sound bites. Little substance.  Do this. Eat this. Try this. Get this. Go here. Do that. Get that.

The problem with all of it is this:

It’s externally focused.

It’s what I call “fixing the outside form.”  It’s like trying to change a movie plot by rushing up to the screen and shouting to the characters what they should do next.  Very tiring. Not very productive.

As a college student, I spent most of my time shouting at that screen.   I had no idea that I could turn inward – in fact that I should turn inward.  I had no idea that my insights and delights mattered – that they could be honored, and so become keys to my life success.  I learned that a few years later.

Many of the college students I now meet remind me of me at that age.  I find myself wanting to infuse them with the wisdom I’ve gained since I left college — a path that started with me trying to do everything the adults told me to do, and only finding happiness and financial success once I began a “risky” career that had absolutely nothing to do with my major and everything to do with my passion.

Here are the five things I now know for sure because I chose to take that risk. They are also the five things that I wish I had known when I was in college.

1 – Your life is your canvas. You are the artist. This is the true meaning of creativity.

It’s that simple.

It sounds froo-froo, I know.

But the deepest point of all creativity is what you choose to create in your life.  In other words, no one can make your life better than you can. No one can make choices for you.  No one can know your heart like you do.

Being the painter of your canvas means that you have the power to change directions, change your mind, drop a class, change a major, and even change schools.  It means that your authenticity matters. It means that your preferences are more than just “whims,” as adults will often suggest.

It means that you have to learn to trust your ability to create this life of yours.

Not many people have learned how to live like this. They don’t trust their own insides.  This is why they have to rely on all that externally-focused advice.  And why they, consequently, spend the bulk of their lives shouting at the screen.

2 – 25 is not old

When I was in college, I thought that twenty-five-years-old was ancient.

In my world view, you hit 25, you got married, you had all the answers (which is, after all, why you chose to have kids), and then life would pretty much plateau.

Many college students – like me at the time – believe there’s a THERE they’re reaching for.  They believe in that illusion of a plateau.

Even though it’s funny to remember when you thought 25 was old – the deeper point is this:

There is no old.  There is no plateau. And there is no THERE.

Every time you reach one THERE, there’s another THERE that stems from your current THERE.  You’re always in movement.  You’re always beginning.

3 – Be. Do. Have. (In that order.)

Most of us learned this backwards.  Most of us learned it like this:

Do [big successful thing]. Have [big successful stuff]. So that you can BE [cool inward state.]

Contrary to most advice – that whole equation needs to start with BE.

This is where many parents get scared about trusting their children’s choices.  Discovering “who you are” conjures up images of hippie girls leaving home to hitchhike the country with guys named Ocean.

In other words, most people don’t trust that you can live a successful life and do it in the Be Do Have order.

What I’ve learned is this:

When the BE and the DO are connected in that order – the HAVE is a natural result. (See my article Creating vs. Getting for more on this topic.)

So then, how do you find out the BE part of this equation?

Well, were there a University of Christine, this is what college would be all about.  Finding what you ARE, what you LOVE, and mastering that above all else.

But in the absence of said institution, here’s what you can do:

Start honoring your delights. And start noticing what you do because you “should” or because you’re not listening to your heart.  Your delights are like breadcrumbs along the path. They show you yourself.

For instance, in college, I tried hard to live the party scene, to go shopping in the city and do the stuff everyone else did.  I ignored the messages from my heart and my body that dreaded going along on these things. At one point, I took Business Law because my boyfriend told me to.  (Shocking that the relationship didn’t last, no?)

My biggest delights were always when one or two friends and I (Deeper connections equaled delight) went to the New England coast and spent the day in nature. (Time, space and beauty equaled delight.) I dismissed these delights as just me being stupid – and besides, “How can anyone make any money connecting with people in nature?”

When I actually did start paying attention to this delight, it shaped so much more than how I made money. It shaped where I chose to live. And it shaped how I socialized and with whom.  It shaped the topics of my songs and writing. One of the reasons I started doing women’s retreats stems from honoring the delight of deeper connections.

Some people delight in numbers and equations.  Some delight in organization and systems.  And someone, somewhere delights in Business Law, I’m sure.  That’s excellent, too.  Too many people, however, try to mold themselves into someone else’s idea of what they should delight in, or what they should be.

It will be so easy to dismiss your delights and preferences all throughout your life. But they are the beginning point of the BE DO HAVE equation.

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Stay tuned!  Part 2 is next!

22 COMMENTS ADD A COMMENT
  • Christina C.

    Vicky and Angela…you go girls…I didn’t obtain my undergrad degree until I was 39 and my masters at 43. And I faced all those things 25-year-olds question also. The difference is that I was finally following my heart and although I now have a job in the field of my study, I am still amazed that they are paying me to do what I love.

    Christine…Thank you for putting into words what I need to tell my daughter who is nearing 25 and undecided and trying to make choices based on the expectations of others instead of the desire of her heart.

  • kate

    What’s wrong with hitchhiking with guys named Ocean? 😛 This post is wonderful – wish I had read it at 18!

  • Mother Earth

    brilliant insight from the hindsight of U of C curricula, I have a youth that I feel will resonate with what you say here — timing and synchronicity of which is grand.

    I wish I had listened to the me inside. I just didn’t have a clue who “she” was.

  • SpaceAgeSage

    Wouldn’t it be nice if we understood all this earlier? I’m so glad blogs like yours are extending wisdom to anyone who will take the time to read them.

    You write, “It’s like trying to change a movie plot by rushing up to the screen and shouting to the characters what they should do next.” Nice imagery!

  • chris k

    This was an excellent post– golden words for students and general public alike :]

  • Joy

    WElcome back from your trip!

    Is it possible that we aren’t “ready” for college until 43? I’m merely 27 now, but have been severely thwarted at a degree many times. It may be possible that my heart isn’t telling me to go there yet.

  • vicky

    Angela–I’m right there with you. I’m 43 and have returned to college to finish my undergraduate degree. Oddly enough, I am facing the same challenges that many faced when 25–except that I am 20 years older! I am feeling the same questions regarding what I am going to do with my eventual degree. I am an English major (and I think Christine makes a joke of having an English Lit. degree in one of her songs! sigh). English is what I have always loved. But the wonderful thing about college–at any age–is that you discover that there are other possibilities: like being passionate about sustainability or History, or a specific time in History. I won’t necessarily be relegated to teaching because I am a writer. Whew!

    The best to you in your studies! And thank you Christine, for your very timely post!

  • Riaz Dhanani

    Great post. Too many people lose sight of their true passion in order to “be successful”. For many, I believe that this stems from parental influence. They want us to “be all we can be” and subconsciously our passions feel silly in spite of this influence.

  • Shama Hyder

    Hey Christine,

    Very straightforward post. I will forward it to my sister who is in college. I think ofter we “lose” our delight even before we have entered college.

  • Angela

    I love point 2 – 25 is not old. Except I would ammend it and say 45 is not old! And you know why? Because I’ve just started a course of study and I’m 45!

  • m

    Colin does our heart mislead us? NO its always the head that says ‘this is the sensible the right thing to do’ That is always when I end up in a hell of a hole. Listen to the heart – it might take a while to understand a way to follow it but it always works better.

  • Dee

    What a WONDEFUL post!!!! Can’t wait for Part 2

  • Annie Binns

    Christine:

    This is great. I’m going to modify what you wrote a teensey bit and give it to my stepson before he starts high school next year. I wish there had been someone in my life during those years that could have expressed these beliefs as eloquently as you just did.

    Waiting for Part 2 …

    Annie

  • Thien-Kim

    I wish I had know the Be Do Have order when I was in college. being first generation american to immigrant parents, college was about doing so you could have.

    The “be” part is still the hardest though. You have to look deep within for that.

  • Colin

    Interesting post! I do have a question I might ask though, and that is exactly how do you define “heart”? Case in point…it was your “heart” that told you that you liked that fellow enough to take a course in Business Law that you didn’t want or need, and it is often our heart that tells us to lie to ourselves in order to shout over what our head is telling us is wrong or misguided. In other words, we are assuming that the heart always knows the right thing to do, when in fact, it seems that our heart often misleads us. I know this sounds like a quibble, but I’m truly interested so that I can explain it better to others.
    PS I have a killer diller book on this very subject somewhere, so if I find it I’ll get it to you.
    Love,
    Colin

  • Christine Kane

    Thanks Betty! And so true! (Even making mistakes is sweeter when you’re the one who chose to mess up!)

    fivecats – i’d like to see a list of specifics. I think my most specific would be to find IKEA sooner – and to pay extra for a single room!

    Thanks Sue – and maybe the whole point is that we DIDN’T know all this in college – and that’s okay!

  • Sue

    Ok, this will be shared with so many people! I’ve already emailed it to my niece and nephew who are in college and I have others to send it to later.
    I love every bit of it, and like you, so wish I would’ve figured this out even a little bit in college. The great thing is, it’s a great post for life, in and beyond college. Thanks Christine!

  • fivecats

    …but trust me on the sunscreen.

    i’ve had a running list of things i wish i could have told myself when i started college. my list has been made up of some specifics, all of which fall much more elegantly into your points thus far.

    a brilliant post, as usual.

  • Betty

    It took me a long time to realize that I’m a lot more successful when I follow my own instincts. I’m a lot stronger when I listen to my heart and do what makes me feel strong. Trying to adapt to someone else’s idea of success just uses up a lot of excess energy and makes me feel weak. Doing things my way is much more efficient and therefore a more direct path to success.

  • Christine Kane

    lance – I’m still learning all this stuff too! But I definitely began to “get it” after I got out of school and took some chances. Some days now, I marvel at what I’m beginning to call ” the process of happiness.”

    m – yea, during my senior year, I worked at a tv station and had to be there at 5am. I was waking up when my friends were coming in from parties. all in the name of getting that resume pumped up. oh brother!

  • m

    This so reminds me of my completely horrible time at university. Diving myself to do tons of extra curricular activities which Ithought I had to do. Which I though validated me.

  • Lance

    Christine, this is excellent writing. It’s written from the heart, and about what really “matters” in our life. If I live to be 100 years old, make lots of money, but do it all at the expense of my passion – where am I? Probably unhappy at best, possibly miserable. You’ve hit upon what it means to really embrace “your” life – on your terms. Because that is what it’s all about – living your life, not living somebody else’s.

    I wish I had known this stuff when I was in college, too! I don’t know, maybe I’m a slow learner…but I’m finally starting to get it. And, as I turn in the direction of “be-ing” first, I find that I’m becoming the person I really, truly, desire to be.

    It’s about the journey. Getting “there” is not the goal anymore. The journey is what make the ride all worth it. What fun is reaching a goal, if you haven’t enjoyed (or really lived) the path you’ve taken to get there.