Dark-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Negativity is a Gift - Christine Kane

I have a mantra.

Well, it’s not exactly a mantra. It’s more like a philosophy that keeps me trying new things. It goes something like this:

“Hey, if the worst thing that happens is _____________ [“I look stupid,” “I have better thoughts,” “I learn one new thing”] there’s nothing wrong with that.” I use it when my inner skeptic wants me to sit the hell down and shut the hell up. (Read: “Stay cynical and don’t change anything.”)

The first time I used this mantra was when a friend pushed me into going to a “Prosperity Workshop.” At the time, I was having money issues and lots o’ crappy thoughts.

I dreaded the workshop. I figured that everyone there would be in denial. Using affirmations like so much pink icing on the horse poop of accumulated negative thoughts.

That’s when I developed my philosophy with its kicky little mantra to go alongside it. “Okay,” said I to myself. “If the worst thing that happens is that I have better thoughts – then nothing could be wrong about that.”

Off I went. And over the course of the seven weeks, I became an observer of the patterns of mental negativity that had eaten away at me for so long. It was the beginning of major huge changes in my life. And with continued awareness and application, my life has only gotten better and better.

So, it was kind of fun to be leading a group coaching call with my Conscious Creative Success Circle last week and have someone ask a question about Barbara Ehrenreich’s book Bright-Sided: How the Relentless Promotion of Positive Thinking Has Undermined America. Much media stir has been created around this book, fully equipped with learned people harrumphing about how positive thinking doesn’t work and ruins everything. (Yes, that’s oversimplifying – but we’ll just chalk that up to karma.) The question was about how to handle it when people seem to not understand the depth of personal work and the impact it has on so many lives.

Now, I come from the world of academia. I’m the youngest in a family of philosophers, professors, PhD’s and thinkers. I’ve been told at more than one Thanksgiving dinner that I’m a complete idiot. So by now, I’m so used to the voices of many Ms. Ehrenreichs that it kinda makes me smile. I’m not dismissing the very real anger that she has and that has been expressed all over the media. But I do see it as missing the point. (Plus, it’s much easier to stay angry and stuck, claiming your victim status – than it is to do the work to actually shift your thought patterns. I know this from experience.)

Here’s the thing though.

I also see this kind of thing as a gift. Every time someone “pushes up against you” or your beliefs, it’s a gift. Even cynicism, criticism, and angry siblings can be a gift because they all get you clearer in making a conscious choice of how you want to live.  People don’t have to agree with you in order for you to feel okay about your heart, mind and soul.

And while I’m at it, here’s a few other thoughts to start off your week:

1. It’s really great to ask yourself where you stand with this. The gift of this media surge is that it forces you to think about what you know to be true.

2. It’s okay if people think you’re wrong, or that you’re an idiot.

3. It’s okay if you can’t “prove” anything scientific enough to make them want to change their thoughts. (They don’t want to anyway. Trust me!)

4. It’s cool to be a “Pollyanna” sometimes. It doesn’t mean you’re naïve. It means you’re not choosing to be jaded.

5. It’s okay if it looks like Denial to them, but feels like Choosing Differently to you.

6. And if the worst thing that happens as you live more consciously and positively is that you bring a little more light and love to the people who can receive it, then there’s nothing wrong about that. 🙂

24 COMMENTS ADD A COMMENT
  • Drew

    Hi Christine —

    Great topic. Found myself really thinking about this subject as well as I saw the Bright Sided author making the junket rounds…

    My take, called The Positive Thinking Problem, is here for anyone interested…

    http://www.drewrozell.com/877/the-positive-thinking-problem/

    In short, the problem is not really with positive thinking… the real problem is that people are delusional/unaware about what kind of energy they are really putting out in the world.

    And as for leaving reality, I am happy to report that I leave it as often as possible.

    Keep up the excellent writing,

    drew

  • Susan

    Hey, Christine ~

    Long time, no yak – loving your new CD!

    I’m a long-time self-admitted Pollyanna… and, although I’m not presumptuous enough to tout is as the *right* way, it certainly works for me – here’s a favorite poem… The Guest House by Rumi:

    This being human is a guest house.
    Every morning a new arrival.
    A joy, a depression, a meanness,
    some momentary awareness comes
    as an unexpected visitor.

    Welcome and entertain them all!
    Even if they’re a crowd of sorrows,
    who violently sweep your house
    empty of its furniture,
    still, treat each guest honorably.
    He may be clearing you out
    for some new delight.

    The dark thought, the shame, the malice,
    meet them at the door laughing,
    and invite them in.
    Be grateful for whoever comes,
    because each has been sent
    as a guide from beyond.

  • Carolyn

    Optimism and positive thinking are great, as long as the person isn’t denying reality in the process, or forcing others to censor their own legitimately-held views.

    I’ve had plenty of people in the past tell me that I shouldn’t observe or even *say* that I was in trouble, or that a situation wasn’t looking good, or that most of my friends had lost their jobs when I was myself still unemployed and that it worried me, etc. –As if vocalizing something that was actually happening in reality would somehow give it more power. –As if my observations and thoughts were not important, or not true.

    I’ve also had plenty of people in the past deny that I was ill, a serious illness that was verified by several doctors and several medical tests, and they accused me of just thinking negatively about it, even though the illness was as real as real could be, and I had not caused it. You can’t make your body become well by denying that it is sick. It is wrong to blame the victim, to blame the sufferer. Those people ended up not wanting to “be around negativity”, so they decided to break up their friendships with me rather than acknowledge the tremendous struggle I was having in trying to cope with my physical troubles. They left me alone at the time I most needed fellowship and support.

    To me, it’s not decent, ethical, brave, or beneficial (even to themselves) for relentlessly-and-unyieldingly-positive people to be only “fair-weather” friends. It’s not appropriate to be so afraid of the bad things in life that you won’t even allow them to be described or admitted to or fully looked at in the light.

    There ARE bad things in life. Getting real and seeing the whole truth can only help your understanding of life. Accepting people’s real troubles, fears, weaknesses, illnesses, etc. is not going to bring trouble into your own life, or “taint” you with negativity. You are strong enough to be an optimistic, positive person while accepting that there are dark, destructive, unhappy aspects in the world. Part of being positive is being empathetic, nonjudgemental, and accepting. You can apply your creativity and optimism to helping people change their situations for the better, if they want you to, but realize that sometimes things can’t really be changed, have to be accepted, are not anyone’s fault, and have little that is inherently positive in them (the accidental death of a child, for example).

    I haven’t read Barbara Ehrenreich’s book and am not interested in doing so, but I do empathize with her about being very sick and having people gloss over it and tell her that she needs to think positively instead of letting her be in the scary, painful place she was in at the time. No matter how unfailingly positive you want to be in your own life, you might want to think twice about pressing your beliefs on other people or encouraging them to act as if they were in denial or to hold their tongues, especially when they say that they are suffering, when just listening to them and quietly empathizing would probably help them more than anything.

    Some people take “the secret” (and the hundreds of older books, programs, and viewpoints that “the secret” was cobbled together from) types of things way too far and live in la-la land. Other people are way too negative all the time, and destroy many of their blessings and possibilities without even noticing them. There are extremes on both sides.

    In the past decade or so, many scientists have been studying optimism and proving that it is beneficial; for example, the eminent psychologist Martin Seligman and his “Positive Psychology” field [see his website for a lot of information, tips, quizzes, etc.]

  • Fiona Purdy

    I don’t understand why people like Ms Ehrenreich et all have such a problem with positive thinking. How does it affect any one else that I choose to think positively and to be cheerful and think good thoughts? What could possible be wrong with that? I just don’t get it. Imagine what the world would be like if we all thought the best thoughts.

    But rather than get defensive when someone confronts me about being “you’re just too nice”, I just think how awful it would be to be negative and cynical all the time, and then I wish them happy blessings.

  • Kathy

    People are always telling me they want “whatever I’ve taken” to stay so positive. I’ve gotten defriended on FaceBook for it by someone who was annoyed by my positive spin on everything, preferring to see most things in a much darker light. An old boyfriend told me I was “too nice” and this would just get me into trouble in life, that I should be more like the woman in Flashdance. We broke up soon after that.

    I choose not to see it as a fault – but as a tremendous gift – that I can find the positive side of just about anything. Bad stuff does happen and like everyone else I grieve loss but there is always a way to grow from it, to make it better next time for yourself or someone else.

    Thanks for validating that always being able to see the positive side is ok. Bringing light to the people that can receive it (and this will not be everyone) is what makes it all worth it. Another great CK post generating lots of food for thought today.

  • Kat

    Amen, amen and AMEN to that, Christine!

    Thanks for helping me :clarify: my thoughts. I know exactly what you mean by “people pushing up against you” being a gift. If not for one of the most important people in my life’s threatening my singing (it’s taboo in their culture for a woman to be a musical performer) I would not have discovered my true Love for it. After many years of weighing things and trying different choices and giving in and falling out, here I am strong and steady and singing my heart out again!

    Thanks, always, for the Light that you shine in the world.

  • Sukie Curtis

    I really like number 5: “It’s okay if it looks like Denial to them, but feels like Choosing Differently to you.” That helps me, especially in working with my husband around money issues, and sometimes with my siblings. I don’t have to be understood or to be approved of: I can simply know and remind myself that I am making my own free choice (as could these others).

    Thank you!

  • Diana

    I’m really glad you posted this. I’ve seen a lot of people take serious criticism for using “The Secret” and engaging in other forms of positive action. It’s often assumed that these people are assuming that positive thinking for these adherents replaces hard work. It’s been my reality that being positive – and changing the way I think – IS hard work, much harder work than is negativity.

    So I do much the same. I do consider what the worst is that can happen- but I go forward with it in my mind to make every new venture the best I possibly can.

  • kathleen

    Thanks Christine for your wisdom – I often feel like i am swimming against the tide, and seem to come up against cynics on a regular basis. It’s easy to judge them for their complete ‘lack of awareness’ but I’m learning to see them as reminders of what I don’t want to be and just to allow them to be where they are – it can all become a little bit of a battle of the egos if we slip into the pattern of thinking we’re right and they’re wrong etc.
    And I agree, it’s not up to us to decide who will receive light and love, all we have to do is radiate it 🙂

  • Sue Sullivan

    This was really helpful, Christine. Recently, I spent a couple hours with two people who declared upfront they don’t like Pollyannas. I just smiled. Though, I could tell during that time I was tempted to go along with what I thought they wanted.

    I’d much rather have what I have working with positive thinking and acknowledging and nurturing the parts of me that feel pain, anger, etc when they need it. I think the point is to not deny nor stay stuck in the pain.

  • Mindful Mimi

    “Every time someone “pushes up against you” or your beliefs, it’s a gift. Even cynicism, criticism, and angry siblings can be a gift because they all get you clearer in making a conscious choice of how you want to live. People don’t have to agree with you in order for you to feel okay about your heart, mind and soul.””

    I love that. I used to hate criticism, took it personally, was mad at the person for a long time. They were always wrong in my eyes.
    Now I ask myself ‘mmmh, what is that person saying?’ For they think this to be true and I cannot tell them how they feel. So I look at myself and ask what this situation can teach me. And sometimes it’s nothing and that is fine. But the main teaching is that looking at it from that perspective, means I can let it go without drama. And that’s just great.

  • Meredith

    Thank you for this. I’ve always admired Pollyanna, myself, and aspire to be just like her 🙂

    But it can be disheartening to have one’s intellect questioned when one chooses a deliberately conscious and joyful path over and over again — and knows for a fact how challenging that path is, in every way, spiritually, mentally, physically, emotionally. I love the way you’ve turned this moment in the media circus on its head and given us a new perspective on it, as just one more chance to wake up and live our truth!

  • Christine Kane

    Thanks for all the great thoughts and comments! (And for being bold enough to disagree too!)

    Here’s my little analogy:

    I don’t golf. I’ve never taken the time to learn golf. Nor do I want to. So, it’d be REALLY easy for me to claim that golf is stupid, that it’s a lousy sport and that it’s for idiots.

    That’s how many of us treat anything they haven’t taken the time to explore, learn and master. This seems to be no exception.

    I know very few people who just fake being happy. even most of the “gurus” and famous people I’ve met are all very diligent with their practices – from byron katie’s work to energy healing to EFT, etc. (And I even like some MLM companies like send out cards – cuz they have really helped many people I know with their attitudes, actions and lives. 🙂 )

    Linda – i’m with jeffrey. I loved your well-thought out response. beautiful. JEffrey, thanks for that awesome alan cohen quote.

  • Jeffrey Platts

    Great post! I agree that there seems to be an overall energy of anger, complaining and cynicism when I’ve seen Ms. Ehrenreich being interviewed on Jon Stewart. I like your point about us using this as an opportunity to restrengthen or reevaluate our beliefs.

    @Linda: I like your distinction between being excessivly and naively “cheery” and just having a positive mindset as they move toward what they want.

    I’m reminded of a great quote by Alan Cohen:

    “Anyone who cites a statistic has an investment in the statistic; it is quite rate to hear a statistic from an unbiased source. Statistics generate opinions, but more often opinions generate statistics. We do not believe what we prove. We prove what we believe.”

  • Marie

    I initially, and still in some ways do, agree with Ehrenreich. Positive is good, idiotic avoidance is bad, and in too many business motivational programs (and, horror of horrors, the “multi-level marketing” scam some relatives entered years ago) I just see willfull ignorance taught as positive thinking. Ignore the news, ignore life, cut yourself off from people who aren’t happyhappyhappy and thinking always about money.

    That thinking cannot be beneficial, and ignoring reality is hardly positive and conscious. But that thinking isn’t really focused on positive, conscious living either, it’s just being mislabeled.

  • Kylie

    Thanks so much for this reminder. I just found your blog on Friday and have already read a bunch of it. I really love it, and it’s inspiring me to start taking chances with my writing and blogging and photography and learning in general. Really, this blog is such an inspiration.

  • Stacey

    I would like to see Ms. Ehrenreich’s evidence. It’s hard to imagine that it is more compelling than the insights gleaned from Plato (philosopher), Jill Bolte Taylor (brain scientist) and scores of others who are revered for their intellect. They all say we have a choice about creating our reality with our thoughts. But then again, it doesn’t really matter what evidence she cites. I’m with ol’ Abraham Lincoln (politician) when he says, “People are about as happy as they make up their minds to be.” 🙂

  • Laura

    Good morning! I am so glad you brought up that book. And what a coincidence….so many academics seem to relish reminding people of their “impoverished professor” status. Fine for them…NOT for me, even if I do have a PhD.

  • laine

    I like this post. This issue came up for me this summer when I was working through my money issues. I was writing all these affirmations about money and positive beliefs and then I realized that I didn’t actually believe any of those things. I was putting pink frosting on poop. So, I set aside the frosting container and started to dig through the poop to get back to the clear ground. I worked with a money coach & did a money autobiography class (Mikelann Valterra, who is awesome) and really figured out what my money issues were and how to fix them.

    After I had done that work, then yes, writing out my affirmations was helpful (rather than causing massive cognitive dissonance) because I knew that they were true and that I was putting pink frosting on cupcakes rather than poop.

    Another mantra that helps me is “I have the inner resources to handle whatever life brings.” At first I used it mostly for things that seemed negative, but then I realized I could also use it in circumstances where I was stepping outside my comfort zone into something bigger and better. Instead of being scared of success, I just reassured myself that I have the inner resources to handle whatever life brings.

    Oh, and thanks to your CD one of my new mantras is “this is where I start deciding everything is alright.”

  • Linda

    After reading the Amazon reviews and your comments here, Christine, it seems that Ehrenreich’s main difficulty is distinguishing between having a positive mindset and being willfully ignorant/falsely cheery. A positive mindset says: here’s the situation, what’s my role in it? What is in my power to change, to make better? False cheer doesn’t acknowledge the situation at all — denies it and pretends it will go away on its own.

    Some of the most positive people I know do tough, demanding work — social workers, nurses, teachers of developmentally challenged kids. It is their positive mindset that brings hope and makes change.

    I’m so sorry that Ms. Ehrenreich had cancer and that she felt uncomfortable with the get-well-soon teddy bears foisted upon her. (In all honesty, that would have bugged me, too — because it would not have felt authentic and smacks of a homogenized response to an individual situation.) I think her experience, however, blinded her to the nuances of the subject she attempted to discuss.

  • Positively Present

    What a great post! I’m glad you brought Bright-Sided into this… I’ve been meaning to read that book and see what all of the fuss is about. Thanks for sharing your insights here!

  • Mary Jo (Sam)

    Wow! So now I can stop fretting over my family members when they tell me I don’t pray enough, or that I’m making “wrong” decisions! Because I really am just fine and happy to be going the direction I am going!
    Thank you Christine for yet another brilliant post!

  • stf6992

    So true! In the last year, I’ve been accused of being too much of a cheerleader and way too positive when negative things are happening. Even in those darkest hours, we have a choice. We can sink into the abyss with those who seem to want us to join them there, or we can see even the smallest of lights and follow that light to the smiles that we know exist and the love that always seems to be there! Thank you for a wonderful post!

  • alina

    Thank you:)) I needed that kind of confirmation, even though it’s better to be so strong in your beliefs that you don’t need confirmation anymore.