Doubt is a Drag Queen - Christine Kane

Here’s a paragraph from an email I got last week:

I am nearing a crossroads in my professional life and am thinking I’d like to try something different. Only problem is, I don’t really know what that something different is. I feel like I’ve completely lost touch with the quiet voice inside that once longed to see the world, have rich conversations, and make beautiful art. Now when I think about doing those things, I just think, “Well, that sounds nice, but those activities don’t pay the bills, unless you’re Picasso….”

Ah, yes. The esteemed Voice of Reason. Our hearts tell us that we want something simple: more connection to the voice inside. “Wow! I DO want that. And it feels really good to imagine it!” We long to experience the world and deep conversations. “Yes, that’s a great desire!” But then, the Voice of Reason steps in and says…

“You can’t have that — unless you’re Picasso…”

Let me be clear here. I’m not making light of this email. It is the perfect example of how doubt shows up for many of us. Myself included.

Doubt is a drag queen. It wobbles into the room in a pair of stilettos and a rhinestone tiara and sings the torch song of reason. Indeed, the whole world has become so transfixed by this stellar performance that you can’t help but join in with their raucous applause. You yourself come to believe that doubt is something other than what it really is: scared. You choose to believe that it is, in fact, The Voice of Reason.

The voice goes like this: “Well, it might be okay for that person to be creative, but I have a [insert needy pet, diaper-clad being, or spousal burden here] to feed!”

Or better yet: “I can’t have that unless I’m Picasso.”

In other words, the only way I’ll allow myself to try anything is if there’s a guarantee that it’ll be huge, and that I’ll be famous and wealthy. That there will be a big-ass pay-off for all this fear. Doubt sets your sites so high that you won’t even allow yourself to have the deepest and simplest of desires, like “rich conversations.”

Modern Day Picassos

Elizabeth Perry is an artist with a blog called Woolgathering. She has created a buzz on the internet, and her fans are devoted. I am one of those fans. I assumed that she had been born an artist, and that she evolved her work into an online business. I found out later that she started her blog to continue a drawing practice after taking a beginning drawing class. She has completed one drawing a day – good or bad – for 3 years. To me, she is Picasso.

I met Tim Draayer at SobCon07 last week. In the introductory session, he stood up with the mic and told this audience of tech-savvy internet start-up types that before he started blogging, he had been a Wal-Mart cashier. He had never dreamed he could be more than that. But one day, he started to ask himself what he really wanted. And he has since started a blog, and is now creating a successful home-based business. He is taking action in spite of doubt.

Two tiny examples of people who, at some level, decided upon something that all of us know in our hearts: That uncertainty is a better bet than unhappiness.

taking action in spite of doubt

Let’s go back to the email above. The interesting thing is that the writer’s desires are not out of reach in the least. We make our desires out of reach because we’re scared to begin. We’re scared to face the grief that might arise when we realize how we’ve put off our dreams for so long. (And yes, there might be grief.) We’re scared to realize that all this time it has been -dare I say – possible to take action to reach these goals and dreams. We’re scared of the unknown.

So, begin with baby steps. A morning practice of taking a walk in our hearts. Or an adventure day. Maybe instead of lunch at Taco Bell, we could sit outside and write in a journal. Maybe we could sign up for a swing dancing class. Doubt will still show up and demand faster progress or bigger rewards. But the goal is not to appease or even to get rid of doubt. The goal is to take action and fumble in the general direction of happiness in spite of doubt.

Here’s the bad news: You don’t get rid of doubt. No matter how many blogs you write (or draw). No matter how many chances you take. No matter how many CD’s you sell.

But here’s the good news: Most people – even Picasso himself – have succeeded, even as doubt stood in the wings with mascara running down its face and that garish feather boa falling to the floor.

48 COMMENTS ADD A COMMENT
  • karla Garcilazo

    i love dragqueens

  • Mendy Knott

    Hey Christine,

    Nice to see you’re keeping up the good word! I enjoyed “Doubt” and it seems we’re doing something similar on our blogs–writing about creativity. You can check mine out if you like–www.arkansasscribbler.blogspot.com. “A Creative Life” I heard you played recently and Jane was there and just loved hearing you. Keep rocking and writing. Doing my part over here in Fayetteville, AR Would love to see you come here or near here. I always check it out. Mendy

  • Ken Lankford

    My wife and I make our living doing elementary school music shows. It’s scary sometimes, when the bookings thin out, but we’ve hung on for several years now, and we’re constantly working for that next break, big or small.

    My decades of experience in the business world taught me a very important lesson that bears on your blog: Security in the “Voice of Reason” world is also an illusion — we just feel more comfortable with that world because everyone else is there, too. Those of you in the corporate world — look at how little control you have over your job and how many factors over which you have no control can take that job away at any time. Paying the bills can be difficult either way, but if you opt to “see the world, have rich conversations, and make beautiful art”, you might just find you have a real life and no longer feel like someone else’s corporate machine part.

  • Amit

    Hi Christine,

    I love the catchy title of your article and it’s also a wonderful piece!

    Love,

    Amit

  • Callan

    Somehow, I believe that the costume doubt wears is a nice and sensible suit with black shoes, the investment advisor with a hidden marketing agenda, selling the idea you will stand out too much if you let loose your wild creativity.

    That drag queen, as compelling as she is, stands as a symbol of liminality and truthtelling, not clever disguise, because the only way you can compel someone to look at the queer is when it is laden with inner truth.

    And the notion that drag is a “profession” and not a calling misses the mark wildly in my experience.

    It’s not doubt that is the problem, though. It’s belief, belief in the normative call of the society instead of belief in the powerful wild beauty that lives inside of you, a beauty so sublime that when you let it flow, people will fix on you and be attracted.

    You know, like they are with great and powerful drag queens who tell secret and forbidden truths.

  • Christine Kane

    oh mike – the MANY things you took me to see granted me a vast knowlege of All-Things-Queen. I promise. And, in spite of your comment, I consider this post a huge success, as after 13 whole months of writing blogs, the first time I’m lucky enough to hear from you is when I’ve inserted the word “queen” into the title of my post! and i, in no way, am trying to demean this profession – only using it as an image of the clever disguise. the drag queens i’ve known and loved are, as you said, courageous and affirming. (You will remember, of course, that the queens I always fell in love with weren’t of the drag variety… they were mostly just amused.) i miss you too! (i was just telling someone about our business trip to six flags and my embarrassing female “i’m wearing white shorts? and i rode the log flume? hello?” moment.)

  • Mike in DC

    OK, I feel the overpowering urge to defend drag queens. I believe, Christine honey, that I even took you to see some a long time ago. But seriously, and in the spirit of the original post, one way of understanding a drag queen is someone who has the courage to create his/her own reality, project it onto the world, and then fully inhabit that new reality. Its always fascinating to me to talk to drag queens when they are out of drag – they’re usually shy people, who use drag to bring part of themselves alive. I’ve experienced that as courageous and affirming, exactly what you’re talking about. So before you start writing lyrics for a new song based on that title, dare to look under that drag queen’s dress and tiara, and you’ll see someone you admire. Great blog. I’ll be back often! Love you and miss you up here.

  • Christine Kane

    hey kammie! i was JUST thinking about you. How’s that for attraction? Thanks for the note, and for your kind words!

  • Kammie

    C~

    OMG!

    Can you hear me laughing ALL the way in St. Louis? I LOVE this post and I’m gonna print off the paragraph that starts…”Doubt is a dragqueen”…

    Such a great visual and couldn’t be more true. I love the way you use words to paint such pretty, true, real, amazing, candid and juicy pictures…Picasso himself would be proud!

    xo,
    Kam

  • Christine Kane

    cara – great point you made there about “the more i practice.” Practice is the key. Action is the key thing. That is the ONLY thing that has made doubt go away for me! thanks for the insights.

    hi judy – being one of those non-Picassos who are making money creating art, i agree with all that you wrote there!

    thanks amy! wow – i’m glad to have helped with a big transition and finding courage. that’s a great feeling from this end. i hope you land a great job! (i’m pondering the idea of doing an audiobook of some of my blogs – but an actual book with a title could take a longer time!)

  • Amy

    Christine…
    I’ve been a big fan for about a year now, and just recently started reading your blog. I had a huge interview yesterday for a job I really want, and I read your blog just before I went it…which was perfect! Thank you so much. You’re an amazing writer…ever thought about a book?

  • Judy

    Another great post Christine….Thank you!
    The only way Picasso became “Picasso” is by getting in the studio and creating. Building his talent, skill and voice over many, many years. It is an unrealistic standard to hold oneself against if you are not even beginning to commit to the work. Lots of non-Picasso’s are making money creating art. It is not easy or guaranteed. But, it is possible. That is what I hold onto in my journey.

  • Cara

    Christine, I love the doubt-as-a-drag-queen image! I’ll have to remember that the next time I get cold feet before taking a big step. The best part about taking a step toward a dream is that, before you know it, the dream is pulling you past the wailing doubt drag queen. At least that’s been my experience. I started playing drums at the ripe old age of 36, and I’m amazed at how much progress I’ve made in such a short time (my teacher has been surprised, and pleased, as well). The more I practice, the quieter the drag queen gets. Unfortunately, she never goes away though! I think the trick is to just get started on the smallest step possible so you can slip under the drag queen’s radar.

  • Christine Kane

    Hey Pam – thanks! Your site is lovely, by the way!

    Hi dezann, I think I responded to you – but my email has had some issues with ending up in people’s spam – due to my mailing list – so anyway, thanks for the very kind words and I’m glad I am able to offer you some inspiration!

  • dezann

    Hi Christine, I came across your blog a couple of weeks ago.. while searching n surfing…each of the posts i read had me nodding my head in amazement because nearly every blog entry i read…dealt with something i was pondering or doing or have been mulling over the past weeks. I even sent you an thank you email but dont know if it reached you. So- here i am again saying thank you for blogging and yes thank you for the music too!
    Today’s blog came at the right time!

  • Pam

    I loved your post so much I blogged about it myself. Thank you for being so inspirational.
    http://pamtremble.blogspot.com/2007/05/dont-let-doubt-stand-in-way.html

    ~Pam

  • Christine Kane

    you’re welcome carissa! 🙂

    colin – i think that’s a part of success, growth, shifting old beliefs – some people won’t come along. and of course, that’s scary. i left a lot of people behind when i moved from dc. most of them thought i had lost my mind wanting to play music for a living. and i got tired of the many “warning talks.” i do believe, though, that nothing comes into our experience that we can’t handle. it’s pretty rare when those things happen all at once. it’s gradual. but our thoughts like to make the big dire predictions of losing it all, and losing everyone.

  • Colin

    Another aspect of this doubt thing comes under “fear of success”. Often, when people want to go for something that they have always dreamed about, it’s not the fear that they can’t do it…it’s the fear that succeeding at it might take them away from their friends and loved ones more than the friends and loved ones might want or need; ergo, it’s not “will I fail?”, but “do I doubt I can pay the price of success if it takes me away from people I love who like me where I am?”,or, “Am I deserting the people who don’t understand what I’m about to do?”. Growth often moves us out of the lives of people we love who, for one reason or another, can not or will not come with us. Thoughts?

  • carissa

    Thank you for this, Christine. It’s just what I needed today.

  • karenlim

    I believe we should use our heart to pursue what we want in life. This is because by the virtue of Law of Attraction, when the goal is wanted by our heart, we are really giving positive vibration.

    Yet achieving goal like what Christine mentions can be in baby step. Today you realised you are unhappy in the job does not mean you should quit today.

    However you can acknowledge your feelings towards your job, and seek out things that make you feeling bliss and from there work towards your dream .

    using law of attraction, you will attract plan to unfold to lead you where you want to go.

    Having a successful life is a journey and we must not let self doubt sabotage such a journey as I share in my blog:
    http://www.secretofunlimitedprosperity.com

    Christine, thank for your wonderful blog post.
    You have got what is it to be successful in life.

    Cheers, Karen

  • Christine Kane

    hi rory, what you describe is what can also be named the collective hallucination. once you break through and realize the untruths of doubt, it’s actually so liberating as to be dizzying and fun. i promise! (even when there are moms who don’t agree. that’s not for you to worry over.) just start to ask yourself what you really really want for your life!

    lilalia (what a gorgeous name) – the happiest people i know have hobbies and creative outlets. and you’re right in observing that not as many people these days engage in art for art’s sake. it sounds like you were surrounded by positive role models. (and your writing indicates that you’ve read a lot in your life! :-))

    shan – it is good to learn bravado from those who have it. at some point you’re going to find yourself faking it til you make it. and when you make it, you realize that you aren’t all that different from when you were faking it!

    thanks wichita… good questions to ask.

    wow pam, that’s a great read. thanks! i also love that you remind us that there was nothing wrong or bad about the old life. that’s part of the shift – knowing that your old life brought you to the new one. (or that it’s all just one continuum!) call to ask about dance partners. i have no idea! i just know that michael and jaya are very good.

    thanks carmen! and you’re welcome, and thanks for visiting and commenting!

    hey ignacio, those are the next parts of my thought process. my husband and i were talking about that very thing when i started writing this series on taking action. you say it well!

  • Ignacio

    Another way to take action, as you suggest Christine, especially when you “don’t know what that something different” is that you’re yearning for, is to basically find a need and fill it. Many times you have a dream of something you want to do, and you’re so focused on yourself and “reason” wants you to have everything figured out before you take the first step. I’ve found that focusing on how to use that dream to fill a need for others is a great way to get out, do something, learn more about how your dream works, and let the world and faith do THEIR job of completing the circle of your dream. All the answers about how the dream is gonna sustain you and be balanced with the rest of your life come as a result of this process.

    Even when you don’t have a specific dream but a “yearning” instead, find “a need” you can fulfill for others, that rewards you and satisfies your soul, and that will become the dream. Thanks so much for sharing that bit Christine!

    Best,
    Ignacio

  • Carmen

    Hi, Christine! I’m new to your blog, only having discovered it about 3 weeks ago. Every time I read one of your posts I get warm and fuzzy inside. Today I felt compelled to write and just thank you for the positive energy you put out into the world. Your words are helping me (in so many ways) to create the life I want for myself.

    Thanks so, so much.

  • ChickiePam

    Oh, and I’d love to take a swing dance class. Do they provide partners?!!!

  • ChickiePam

    Hi Christine!
    I’ve known and appreciated several drag queens in my day, and I’m still giggling over your analogy! So true!

    The drag queen of doubt has shown up in my life many times. For many years I kept my “good career” as a nurse because it was a “shame to spend all that time and money on education” and then not use it. Although I loved being a nurse for many years, it became time for me to do something different. I knew it, my co-workers knew it and my boss knew it! I was becoming bitchy and cynical…Nurse Cratchett! I took baby steps, going to school and working as a nurse, then starting my massage practice while keeping my nursing job (first full time, then part time) until I oculd live on my massage earnings. Now I have the life of my dreams. I live on my little farm, selling eggs and playing (it doesn’t feel like work) as a massage therapist. I live simply and I love it. I get stuck sometimes coming down the hill from my hen house because I sit down on a rock and gaze at my garden, watch my chickies peck and scratch and just feel so darn grateful that I took a chance and changed my life. There was nothing wrong or bad about the old life. I just wanted something different.

    And it’s not over yet….Sometimes I have a slow week and the drag queen of doubt comes out, bringing with her the dominatrix of fear, but I go back to my office or my garden and know that I am blessed and I always have more than enough. I know that I am living my life on purpose and I’m grateful for this life. It’s hard to feel doubtful or fearful when you are full of gratitude. When I can’t get there by myself, I call a friend for perspective.
    Love ya,
    Pam

  • Wichita, KS

    What are you going to give up to reach your goals? Goals are not given to you. What are you whiling to give in return for making it to your goals. Just going to give a little, ok, then get a little. A bunch of little steps will get you there too. It will just take longer.

  • Shan

    With art, the process is truly the pay-off. An artist’s life is not usually a linear life. Income fluxuates. Ideas fluxuate. It’s both messy and wonderful.

    I love what you say about doubt always being there. Every artist I know experiences doubt at least occasionally, if not often. Though if Picasso experienced it, his costume was darn good, loaded with a lot of bravado!

  • lilalia

    I completely agree that one of the primary reasons so many of us find it difficult to pursue creative endeavours is we only believe in success, and, the gods know, being creative is, in part, about failure.

    My paternal grandmother used to paint, my aunt drew, and my other grandmother did handicrafts throughout their adult lives. We considered them genteel occupations, though we did not necessarily afford their artwork any true appreciation. I wonder now how they managed to continue creating art, with such an inattentive audience. And, who of us today, would have the conviction and tenacity to do so?

  • Rory

    Doubt is a drag queen. That is quite wonderful! She’s a bitch, and she ain’t gonna be reasoned with. The only way is to kick her out, but she’s not going to go without a fight. It’s a powerful, and somewhat disheartening image.

    This has got to come from years of being told that you can’t achieve something, to go for the easier option. We get told it enough, pretty soon we’re telling ourselves. We might be facing the painful prospect of having to mentally tell our Mother that she had no right to tell us we would never amount to anything. It is a deep issue. And a frightening one.

    But, your picture of the drag queen is such an abiding and distasteful one – who would not want to push that voice out and slam the door!