How to Say No (Before You Get Put on the Spot) - Christine Kane

Rebecca is a massage therapist.

One day she called me for some advice.  She had been “put on the spot,” and now she was fuming angry.

A new massage client (a friend of a friend) had called her while on the way to his massage with her.  He told her that since his new CD had just been released, he had decided to “do a trade” with her and pay for part of his massage with his new CD.

Surprised (and not wanting to seem ungracious), Rebecca said, “Okay.”

The only problem was this: She didn’t want the CD.

Now, by the time she called me, the transaction had already occurred, and at first I was just helping with Anger Management.

But then I told her that the gift of this situation is that it teaches us how to say no.  And the easiest “no” is a Preemptive No.

What’s a Preemptive No?

Well, in this case, Rebecca recognized that she had to begin creating an “Operations Manual.”  In it, she would write down some simple policies like, “I don’t do trades for my massages.”

That way, when she gets any other phone call from a musician with a new CD (or a similar situation), Rebecca can find the language to say, “You know, I’m flattered that you want to offer me your new CD, but my policy is that I don’t trade for massages.  I hope we can still work together.”  The script is already there, and she doesn’t have to flounder while trying to “think up” an excuse so that she seems nice.

I’ve had to initiate similar Preemptive No’s in my own Operations Manual.

For instance, as I became more successful in my music, I began getting about five offers a month to do benefit concerts for non-profits all over the country.  I often said yes out of guilt. But the problem was that most of the concerts were badly organized, and I didn’t like doing them at all.

Finally, I created a Preemptive No.  I limited the number of benefit concerts I performed to TWO a year. And I only worked with special interest groups that were aligned with my passions.  (The environment, animals, etc.) That way, my office had the language to politely say “no” without feeling “put on the spot.”

The Personal Preemptive No

You can also create Preemptive No’s for your personal life.  You can set “policies” about your time or your entertainment choices or what kind of parties you want to attend or not.

My husband and I created an unwritten policy that we don’t go out on Sunday nights.  We both realized that we love to spend Sunday night at home preparing for the coming week and going to bed early.

Now, this doesn’t mean we don’t occasionally go out on Sunday nights. But we always measure our response with our policy first. It gives us time to think clearly about our priorities, rather than just ending up going somewhere we don’t really want to be.

Take some time to consider creating some Preemptive No’s that honor your priorities.  What would they be?

One final note: The holidays seem to be a time of expectation and guilt for many people.  Can you create at least ONE Preemptive No before this holiday season?  What would it be?

23 COMMENTS ADD A COMMENT
  • Namzie

    this blog is a blessing and so what I needed!!

    In the whole upleveling state – the word ‘no’ has to feature a lot these days, even with my loved ones…and it’s not easy…! So thanks much Christine!! <3

  • ChickiePam

    I am a massage therapist and I do have a policy regarding trades. My policy is that as a rule, I don’t do them. However, rules can be broken. I have done some wonderful trades in the past for electrical work, plumbing, carpentry, as well as body work. When I do consider a trade, I make an offer with the clarity that I will happily pay for the work. And I trade dollar for dollar and not for time. The person who called and stated the trade of massage for a CD….man it better be one hell of a CD! I’ve never heard of a CD selling for $70 or more! That person had to have titanium balls to say that in my book.

    An insightful blog as usual. I am grateful for you and your blog,
    Pam

  • Jannie

    One preemptive holiday plan? Hmmn. I tend to keep it to bare essentials anyway. If anything I could add in…. more cookie baking.

    I’m pretty good at saying no, but for me it was sure a learned skill.

  • Patty

    As an artist, alot of people don’t understand that my time is spent working (with a capital W) in my studio. I don’t make excuses anymore. I simply say that my focus has taken me into my studio and I am really happy with that. And then I thank them for thinking of me. That response honors my goals, and honors their request for my skills.
    For too long women especially have judged their value on their level of “bizziness”. It’s a relief not to have to use that measurement anymore!

  • Jessica

    Wow, I need to read this daily and get cracking on my operations manual. I have a client who drives me nuts, pays late every month, demands ridiculous things at 5 and 6 pm, and finally sends me emails like this “As a gift, I would like to give my client a one hour computer lesson. Here is her phone number, she is expecting your call.

    I am NOT a piece of property to be given to others without my consent. Who knows if I even want to work with her client. I responded with “Thank you for the referral. I’m not sure if I can take on another client right now but I will do my best for you and for her. I’ve left a message for her. Hopefully her schedule is flexible and she’s not in the Valley (I can’t make that work). Anyway I look forward to meeting her.” A roundabout way to say that I don’t want this at all.

    Sorry for the long comment but I just had to share my particular need for this strategy.

  • Mary Miller

    Thanks Christine!
    As always, GREAT advice. I am a work in progress when it comes to working my “Nojo”, but the preemptive no is just what I need. My favorite freebie line is “You’ll get alot of exposure” and “this will get your name out there”.

  • Christine Kane

    great extra thoughts everyone!

    epiphany girl – that’s an excellent point. it’s always obvious when the “no” comes from that “fear” place – as opposed to the “preference” place. I guess I always assume that everyone is aware of their motivations – and I, for one, had to spend many years recognizing my own motivations from places of fear or rebellion. As opposed to desire and joy.

  • Christina

    Thanks Christine, well timed as usual.
    I also agree with Tess, I am working on this in my life and have found that “no” was in my vocabulary, but I am still fishing around for excuses as to why I am saying no…
    A big realization occured to me that if it is important and OK for other people to be able to say no and honor their free time then why can’t I. Oh yeah! I am still trying to be nice…YUP I’m still a work in progress but thanks for the opportunity to help me refine my skills

  • pati

    Beautiful. Beautiful. Beautiful.

  • Tracy

    So well said, Christine. It hits home when you give a real life situation.

    As a visual artist and massage therapist, I’m often hit up for freebies. Often the pitch includes, “Just think what publicity it could give you!” Giving away paintings or services has rarely led to additional business for me. Like you, I’ve now limited myself to a given number and types of benefits. If a stranger continues to pester me with freebie requests, I’ll often answer with, “I can’t yet afford to give away so much business, but I’ll certainly keep your organization in mind. Thanks for the offer!”

  • Epiphany Girl

    I so struggle with the ability to hold firm to my convictions, especially when I am trying to cultivate the softer aspects of who I am. For a long time, I prided myself on being a hell-hath-no-fury redhead whenever I got painted into a corner. My “no” reflex was pretty well empowered as I constantly felt the need to exert my position. In exploring the gentler side of my personality, I feared that I might confuse myself with a doormat. Now that I can step away from that caricature of myself and am figuring out how to find sweetness rather than terrifying vulnerability, I am in a position to set new criteria for standing up for myself.

  • Barbara J Carter

    As an artist, I’ve had to come up with a couple.

    One is that I don’t exchange links on my web site with anyone. This is just a flat policy, and I’ve stuck to it for years. Anyone can comment on my blog and link back to themselves there (if it’s at all related), but I don’t link directly.

    The other one is, when asked to trade I say “I don’t usually trade”. I don’t like being put on the spot, and it can take me a while to decide if I like someone else’s work. Then later if I change my mind it’s a big compliment to them (“YOUR work is so great I can’t resist”).

  • Laura Roeder

    Great advice. Something that has helped me is creating a list of qualities that I do NOT want my clients to have. For some reason seeing that pre-written list makes it easier to say no.

  • Tess

    Really helpful post, thanks. I find myself floundering sometimes, saying no but making excuses. I have recently been using the “I’ll think about it and get back to you” strategy which lilalia mentions in her comment, but I like the idea of identifying some pre-emptives.
    My holiday season “no” this year is not to go to the office Christmas party. I haven’t given any excuses, just turned down the invitation, because I hate work-related socialising. Such a relief!

  • Stephanie D.

    I have a preemptive “no” on horror movies or shows involving torture. I can’t tell you how many times I watched them even though they leave me feeling scared or traumatized. Finally I realized I can choose not to participate even when people try to persuade me that I’ll miss out on an amazing movie, or that the violence will be minimal or funny. It can be a bit awkward when friends are disappointed I won’t join in the “fun”. But it feels good to take care of myself.

  • Tina Mammoser

    A great post, thanks! I started a ‘policy’ for charity donations last year and did something similar to you. I am happy to donate 2 a year but keep them limited to causes I’m very interested in – mostly human rights or medical, but this year I’ve decided to make one of them to a collector of mine who does an annual fundraiser. Why? Firstly because she asked in a way that allowed me to say no, which I thought was very nice, secondly because she is a good collector, and thirdly because as an annual event it clearly has good organisation and is successful each year.

    My main concern is that my painting ‘earn’ a fair amount for the charity!

    Trading is so scary to me. I hestitate to ask for trades because I know it’s hard for me to give away inventory. And what if the person doesn’t like my work! I’d hate to make them feel obliged in any way. So now what I do is only trade with people I’ve known for some time who have already expressed interest in my work. I build the discussion, not suggest a trade straight out. This helps determine if they’re also happy to trade their business or if they might have something else in mind.

  • Pat K.

    Love this post. Good advice. I just got good advice from my counselor recently. He said to practice saying “no” with a bigger “yes” behind it. That is another way around it. A former first lady had this idea and wrote about it in her biography. She was depressed, had lost a son, and was asked to do so much for charity and had the pressure of being First Lady. She would think of that larger “yes” behind the “no.”

    For instance, she would be asked to do all kinds of charity work, and she would say “I am flattered that you would like me be involved in your event, and I am certain it will be a huge success, but If I say ‘yes’ to you, I have to say ‘no’ to time spent with my family. And right now I need to spend time with my family. Good luck! I know you will do well.”

    I recently used this to do the most difficult thing I have ever done. I told my husband of 19 years that I could not stay married to him, because saying “yes” to life with him would mean saying “no” to who I am. I was able to say the most difficult “no” with a great deal of respect, and without guilt.

    I’m on the road to healing, and have a new tool for expressing my boundaries. And, it does help to have scripts to follow. Try practicing them with friends as an exercise…Each of you come up with a difficult “no” in your lives and practice a dialogue with each other. It is rather empowering. 😀

  • Kelsey

    I have a policy along those lines for when phone solicitors call looking for donations. . . I always feel sooo guilty when they ask things like, “Don’t you want the sick children to have comforting teddy bears?” I ask what percentage of my donation actually goes toward the specific charity (and not, say, the fee they are paying the phone people to beg for donations). Our policy is that we don’t donate unless a) we have that information and b) at least 80% of our donation goes directly to the people who need the money. Amazingly the callers rarely have that information and when they do the answer is usually less than 30%.

  • Pat

    When my kids started school I was bombarded with volunteer and fundraiser requests, all urgent and important. I felt guilted into projects in which I had no interest or ability. I concluded that at the beginning of the year I would follow my passions and volunteer for a couple of things I wanted to do and say “no” to the rest. This philosophy has followed me into other areas with positive results. I can say “I am committed to something else right now, but I will consider doing (whatever) when this commitment is over”. It gives me time to consider the commitment and realistically my schedule.

  • Tracy

    Hi Christine,

    I have only set up two of these very sucessfully: Friday night is date night with my husband. whatever is going on, we honor that time with each other. I couldn’t agree more that the rehearsed reasoning makes all the difference in keeping the limit intact. People thought it was a bit weird to begin with, but it’s almost never an issue now-friends just know we don’t make plans on that night.
    Professionally, I had to create a rule about how I would price my work for friends and family. People weren’t exactly beating down my door for my art work at that point, but I knew this could be a sticky situation in the future and wanted a policy that didn’t vary and I didn’t have to think about. It has saved me endless angst. I am NOT good in these situations in the moment. It also established my professional status in my own head early on; I have business policies about the sale of my work, just like people in mainstream businesses.

    For me, creating boundaries reinforces what is sacred and worth protecting in my life. It’s a daily practice to be grateful and treat these things as the crucial sources of happiness in my life that they are. It reminds me what my priorities are.

    I could use more of them!

    Thanks, Tracy

  • Hagit

    Thanks, Christine, this is one of the first things I learned from you and have implemeted very well. When I started reading your blog, I wrote my own “manual” – things I’m not willing to do. For example, as a translator, I HATE translating CVs, but I always have so many people and friends needing them. Once I had it down on my manual, “I don’t translate CVs”, it made things so much easier. I don’t ever have to feel bad about turning people down. It’s just not something I do, and I always refer them to other translators. Makes life much simpler indeed. 🙂 Thank you!

  • Mindful Mimi

    Christine,
    See, saying no is something I have no problem with 🙂 Call me selfish! I must admit though that there might be more subtle ways for me to say no… I have been working on that 🙂
    Mimi

  • lilalia

    A friend of mine taught be about saying a no gracefully when another bossy friend of ours volunteered our services without asking our consent. It was a done deal, in my fuming mind. My friend’s reaction was, “That is an interesting possibility. I’ll get back to you on that after I’ve thought about it.” I’ve found this very good way of saying, “Please, know that I have the choice to do this or not.”