These are questions that were posed to me recently by Gina.
Gina is ready for a comeback.
All year long, she has watched the proverbial wrecking ball have its way with her life. No need to dish out the details. A few words will do the trick:
Business partner. Betrayal. Theft. Lawsuit. Loss. Disillusionment.
Gina said, “Okay, so it’s all over. I’m on my own. I want to get back on track. I want momentum again. But I can’t seem to get going.”
Anyone who has faced a major setback knows this feeling well. On one level, there’s the desire to get moving again. But on the other level, there’s a deeper craving:
“I want to stop questioning myself. I want to forget this happened. I want my heart to stop hurting.”
It’s tender territory. You know you’re ready for a comeback. But you’re still drained and haunted by emotions, anxiety, shame and blame.
So let’s talk about what you do as you navigate your very soul and rebuild your confidence and your business…
5 Ways to Rebuild your Confidence after a Setback
1 – Release Drama.
If you live in the daytime television world-view, then you see Gina as the victim. (“Good person.”) You see her ex-business-partner as the perpetrator. (“Asshole”)
While this world-view might land Gina a guest spot on Jerry Springer, it won’t help her regain her confidence after this setback. That’s because labels and judgments keep us trapped in our reactions and egos.
The truth is that in this situation, people behaved unconsciously – and most likely, the unconscious behavior began years before the actual fall out.
This doesn’t mean that Gina won’t feel like a victim at times. Or that you “shouldn’t” get resentful, or jealous, or angry.
Your Upleveling, however, will come when you can translate all circumstances from the view of your SOUL.
This means that beyond the Drama Triangle (victim, perpetrator, rescuer) there’s a deeper expansion going on, and that you actively played a creative role in this situation.
When you can accept that (without self-judgment), you can begin to heal, let go, and experience transformation.
Feeling better is temporary. Transformation takes you to new levels. (Which is why we’re in business at all, right?)
2 – Forget “Old Self.”
Sometimes during set backs, we just want things to be the way they used to be. We want our Old Self back.
But think about it. Your Old Self was the self that was living so unconsciously that this situation was created in order to wake her up!
You don’t want “Old Self.”
You want EXACTLY who you are now. Bruises, disillusionment, and all. These things – when translated properly – transmute into wisdom.
A New Self. A Wiser Self.
3 – Choose your Own Time.
“Time heals all wounds.”
Really? Does it?
Cuz most of us know at least a few people for whom time has only deepened their resentment. And we also know some people who healed so quickly and moved on with such velocity that it seemed almost like denial.
The playing field is not “time.”
The playing field is you.
You can heal in an instant. Or you can take some time. But the truth is that YOU choose how much time. Don’t be a victim of time.
4 – Detox from Reactivity.
Gina said, “I want to get back on track, but all I seem to do now is spend my time putting out fires.”
That’s because when we spend any prolonged amount of time in reactivity, we can easily get addicted to it.
And we lose our connection to our creativity.
Reactivity is the opposite of Creativity. Often, when a set-back seems to destroy someone, it wasn’t because of the set-back itself. It was because the person never consciously moved back into her Creative space. She stayed stuck in the energy of Reacting to her life. (Reaction is like a drug. You must detox.)
If you want to rebuild your confidence after a setback, reintroduce creativity and proactivity back into your being – little by little.
5 – Predict WHY in Advance.
“Wisdom comes from experience, either the experience of others or of oneself. And to let experience do its work, a person has to be open to receiving the lessons that it has to teach.” – Dr. Henry Cloud
Until some wisdom or new direction has come from a hard circumstance, we entrepreneurs tend to steep ourselves in the “how.” HOW could this have happened? HOW did I let this go on for so long? HOW did I mess up?
However, after time goes on and a new expansion opens us up and reveals new gifts (if we let it), we discover and begin to tell the WHY of this circumstance. “Oh! It HAD to happen! It led me to this amazing new direction!” We may even feel grateful for the challenging event or horrible person.
So, start creating this translation now. Step out five years from now and tell yourself WHY this happened from the perspective of all the new beginnings and amazing outcomes that could not have happened if not for this circumstance…
Share with me! Is there any setback you’ve experienced that is still haunting you? Or is there any setback that you’ve experienced that you are now GRATEFUL for because of who you became because of it?