This is Part Two of a two-part series based on a Keynote Presentation I gave at a college orientation. Click here to read the first three things I wish I knew as an undergrad in Part 1 of this series.
Here are the remaining two things I wish I knew as an undergrad…
4 – Anything worth doing is worth doing badly
Trying new things, and doing them imperfectly is the best teacher.
Raising your hand in class and getting it wrong is better than sitting there and never trying.
My belief is this:
(Plug your eyes if you don’t like bad words.)
Sucking is highly under-rated.
Sucking should be celebrated.
Sucking teaches you that sucking is not the problem. Not trying at all is the problem. Trying to be cool is the problem. Worrying about what everyone thinks of you is the problem.
During my talk, I asked the freshmen to raise their hands if they were uncomfortable being at a new college. Most did.
“Excellent!” I said. “Revel in that. Learn to be comfortable being uncomfortable.”
I explained that not knowing means that you’re alive and growing and doing big new things. This is what creativity is all about. It is what faith is all about.
Most people get out of college and try their level best never to feel uncomfortable again. The illusion of the American Dream is that we should find our perfect house, with no bugs/nature/imperfections in the yard, drive the same route to work each day, eat at restaurants with the same predictable menus and so on and so on. It’s a life designed to lull you into believing that predictability will keep you safe.
At some level, this idea is very appealing. After all, we’re taught to buy into the belief that the world is a very scary place!
But on every single other level – this is called “death.”
Don’t die before you die. Too many people decide to do that.
5 – As of the first day of your freshman year, your job description is no longer, “To please my parents.”
In other words…
everyone will be better off if you get over your need for approval.In some ways, college is the very beginning of adulthood. Absent any other rituals in our society – this seems to be the closest thing we’ve got. Beginning adulthood requires learning to create your own path in the world. When you do this, it is often inevitable that you will meet with some disapproval from the Rental Units. (That’s what we called our parents when I was in school.)
Now, I know there are parents out there who support their kid’s goals dreams and delights no matter what. Hurray and happy dance for those parents and their offspring!
This is for the students who are – even unconsciously – terrified of the judgment of their parents, their family, and other adults in their lives. (Or, if you’re like I was — of EVERYONE. Period.) To follow your own path often means that you’ll receive disapproval from many adults in your life. I can’t stress this enough.
The biggest mistake I see people make is waiting for approval for their choices. And then blaming their inaction on the fact that they didn’t get the approval they needed. Maybe it’s your parents. Maybe it’s other “adult” figures in your life. Maybe it’s your girlfriend or your sorority sisters.
When you learn how to make choices for yourself in spite of disapproval – you become a leader. Even if you “fail,” you still have the choice of whether or not to call it failure or “a learning experience.”
Now, this is not to say that it is easy to be disapproved of. Au contraire.
The single most challenging thing for me was the disapproval of my parents when I quit my post-college job and began waitressing and writing music. The letters and phone calls (predicting my demise, offering me job ideas, suggesting big cities where I could move) were relentless.
However, as much as I wished they would change (banging on that movie screen), their disapproval challenged me to become very clear and very true to my own callings. In some ways, it was a gift to go through that initiation. It caused me to become a leader in my own life. As I kept going, my parents both shifted into acceptance (albeit warily) – and I became more confident in my own path and my own abilities.
———————–
I casually interviewed people as I was preparing for this keynote. I asked one person what I should say to the class of 2012. Without thinking much he gave the standard answer — “Tell ‘em to make the most of it because it’ll be the best time of their lives.”
I couldn’t disagree more.
College is a powerful time. It’s a challenging time. It’s a stressful time. And it’s also a time of expansion, laughter, and fun.
College is only the best time of your life if you choose to ignore your passions, delights and dreams as you move out into the world. It’s only the best time of your life if you graduate and then seek security above all else. It’s only the best time if you slowly numb yourself into believing the limiting stories so many adults believe.
What I’ve learned is that by learning these five things and putting them into practice regularly, your whole LIFE becomes the best time of your life.
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This has been an excellent two-piece story Christine. Again, you’ve really nailed it. My takeaway: I should strive to suck! Well, maybe not in every sense of the word. But I get it. To me, it becomes a mantra of “Try anyway”. Whatever anyway is. Maybe it’s being scared. Maybe in fear of acceptance. Maybe it’s even fear of failure. Try anyway. And fail. And get back up and try again. And, in the process, live. Really live. On your own terms.
And, I love your summation at the end – you whole life becomes the best time of your life. If we all strive for this, think of what a different place this world might be. And think of the true joy people would have in their lives.
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Christine, the other day I was sorting out some old stuff and found a letter from my long-dead grandmother, scolding me for choosing to enter grad school at the advanced age of 30. She told me just what I should have done in my twenties, and imperiously laid out a clear path for my future that did NOT include grad school.
Over a quarter of a century later, I can say just how wrong she was, and I am very glad I followed my heart and not her advice. It wasn’t comfortable, but I knew it was my path I had to follow and not hers.
I will forward these two posts to some young friends of mine and tell them that there is some great food for thought here — despite the bad words!
Dio
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Christine, so glad for you having some time to relax. It’s so great to hear someone else say, “it’s o.k. to suck”, it is the fear of suckage that can keep us from taking chances and moving forward. In stand-up comedy it’s the first thing I tell fledgling comics, you are going to bomb, it’s gonna happen now and then, big deal, it happens to everyone. Learn from it and go forward, keep getting up on stage, you grow from EVERY experience. The same thing applies in life, if you never try something out of fear of failing, you miss out on a lot of joyful possibilities. Thanks for the inspiration!
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Another great post! Another thing I often wish I could tell my 20-year old self (20+ years ago) is this: Even if you do everything you “should” do to please those who might judge you….they will ALWAYS find something else to criticize you for! So you might as well do what works for YOU.
The criticism will be there no matter what. Better to deal with it from a position of strength.
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Thanks Lance! And yes! We should all strive to suck more often! (Or at least, not be scared of “looking stupid.”)
Dio – I threw out all of those old letters from people telling me of my bad choices! It’s great that you found that and were able to see so clearly. Good for you!
mary miller “suckage”… great word! I think comedy is the best place to learn all of these messages. I often think about how comedy is probably the most challenging life path anyone could endeavor!
Thanks betty! My stupid fantasy is to bring who i am now back to high school me — and not care so much about the mean girls!
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This BRILLIANT, Christine!!!
You make me think about JK Rowling– she gave an amazing address to a university- You are SUCH in inspiration to one and all!
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I’ll have to reread, and reread these posts. My heart has held onto something for a long time, but I have to tell you, I really think my head is right in not letting me go there. So … I better start rereading to see what I’m missing.
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amen, sista!
amen!
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thank you thank you thank you
I am poised on the edge of launching into great things and am afraid to suck. This piece really hit home — thank you so much!!
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My son is a high school senior this year, gearing up to apply to liberal arts colleges. Be, do have, following and trusting your delights–these ideas have been on the tip of my tongue but I have been unable to but them into words as clear as yours. So, I am just going to have him read it!
I love your advice about giving permission to suck. How liberating!
I am learning a new song on my guitar–like the first new song in ah, 5 years maybe, and I suck, and IT’S OK! And it is fun, too. Thanks for reminding me about the fun part.
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ROCKIN’ post! I’ve loved these last two! I wish I had known/heard this back in high school, college, grad school. I’ve finally been learning those lessons on my own in the past year, and it’s great to have it reinforced (or put into words) by you in such a positive way.
Following my heart is much more rewarding (and the feeling lasts a LOT longer) than someone else’s “approval”. I’m glad you were able to share this with new college students.
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Thanks to everyone for extra thoughts–
as for sucking…
it’s funny because i’m writing this during our lunch break as i do a creativity training day. and occasionally i have flashbacks to my first few times doing this – and how bad i was! (me + powerpoint = notsomuch.)
and now, it’s just a total joy and SO easy to me. but i had to go through about 4 rounds of this in total discomfort!
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Thanks for sharing this. Great piece.
Discomfort is good and I am still learning to revel in it. But I usually get bored quickly so I do search for challenges and new things.
The hardest part (at least for me) was the ‘cutting the umbilical cord with the parents’ thing – how invisible or unnoticed you might think it is. I’m almost 40 and still want my parents to be proud of me. I still find it hard to deal with my dad and stand up to him. And it wasn’t until I was about 32 and met the man of my life who had ‘cut his parents cord in order to find his independant true self’ that I saw that I was blaming everything that was wrong in my life on my parents. That I was still letting them ‘rule’ too much of what I was doing and how I was doing it. So I stood up. It was tough. There were some silent weeks. And then it was ok again and I felt relieved, independant, grown-up
It is good to share these kind of thoughts with younger people.
Thanks.
Mimi
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Thanks for this as I will soon launch into a world of suckness at work in a seemingly ‘over my head’ project. I already know I will learn so much from it, but feel I’ll need to wear a disclaimer about how I’ll suck for awhile, but will keep my head up to learn. Like you said, there is no THERE. Very good insight as always!
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It’s ok to suck, and it’s even ok to fail horribly at something. Lose money, even. Lose face. Now this doesn’t mean it’s ok to lose your common sense in the face of dangerous situations — and I’ve gotten myself into more than one of those in and since college. But, that usually occurred when I refused to listen to my inner wisdom about a person, a situation, an environment —. So suck, fail, trip on your face, but try to listen to and follow that small still voice that keeps you on course, unharmed and alive.
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Hey Christine! Just wanted you to know that I took an opportunity last Friday evening to share your wisdom with about 15 undergrads who work in my library. It felt really good to pass it along to those who really need it! The timing was cosmic! Thanks!
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While I know you wrote this for new undergrads – I’m going to share your post with my 10 year old daughter. It’s sort of scary how by this age, she is already aware of “cool” – fashion, music, kids at school, etc. My goal for her is to have a voice, and while it’s okay to say, “Yeah, this is cool,” if she really thinks it is, I also want her to say, “No – not for me, I don’t really like this/that/or the other even if everyone else does.” I know it’s hard to do because in some ways, I was that kid going with the flow, afraid to speak for fear of disapproval or looking like a big dork. I didn’t find my voice till I was well into my 30′s.
For my first try at college, I was standing in the registrar’s line (before computer registration) and while chit chatting in line discussing what we were going to major in, I still had no clue what I wanted to do with my life. One of my room mates knew she wanted to major in business, so I thought that would be good for me too. After muddling through two semesters of business classes and re-taking accounting II two semesters in a row, I dropped out. I went back to school in my 30′s with much clearer knowledge of myself and what a difference that makes.
In one sense, I failed early on and what a good life lesson that was in hind sight – so maybe there’s no time line for learning. I just wish this had clicked for me earlier in life. But, I can’t worry about the past or future – I can only be here in the now.
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Christine,
I can’t agree more, especially with point 5. I have spent precious energy and life-time seeking approval and then feeling badly when it 1. didn’t come or 2. didn’t come in the form I wanted it to come in. It has been a waste of my precious resources. I hope that the students took your message to heart.
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Hey Christine, I am a freshman in college and found this post linked from a blog. It truly hit home with me especially the part about worrying about disapproval from adults and feeling pressured into following their advice just because they are adults. I’ve had problems with that my whole life and I’m really inspired that someone followed their heart and did what they wanted to do.
You are an example to live up to.
Thank you.
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I’m so glad I found someone like you out there in the world. Everything you said in these two posts really resounded with me, especially about college being a stressful and trying time of your life. I’ve been struggling since freshman year in college to build my own life, and it’s quite hard when you think everyone else is already on their “track” and you’re still trying to come to grips with who you are and what you really care about. From the comments, it surprised me that there were other people who weren’t that different from me. I feel a bit less afraid and I think I just need a bit more faith. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, and take care! <3
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