I work with wildly powerful women who run wildly powerful businesses. Many of them will talk about anything when it comes to business, mindsets, strategy. They’ll “go there” without hesitation.
But as soon as the topic of Saying No comes up, they’ll sit back in their seats.
“Tried that. Didn’t work.”
In fact, it seems the only thing they’re willing to say no to is… Saying No!
But saying no is crucial in order to move to the next level in your life or business. In fact, one of the items in the Tool Kit of my Uplevel Your Life Mastery Program is a series of scripts and templates for saying no authentically. After all, it’s impossible to Uplevel if you don’t know how to eliminate and release!
Saying No isn’t hard. It’s just that many of us unconsciously do it wrong. Here are the seven biggest mistakes people make when they say no…
Saying No Mistake #1 – Waiting until you’re put on the spot
Most people never actually take time to get clear on their No’s. They wait until they’re put on the spot – and then they let their emotions (guilt, fear, anxiety) make their decisions for them!
While you can’t be prepared for every request that comes your way, you can get clear on your No’s in advance. I call this The Proactive No.
Write your list of Proactive No’s on a day off. “No volunteer positions on weekends.” “No more committees.” “No Sunday night dinner parties.” Get clear about how you want to honor your time and priorities. That way when you say no, it will be in direct response to a system, not to your emotions!
Saying No Mistake #2 – Over-explaining
Rather than saying a clear “No,” many people try to explain their way out of it. This only digs them deeper into the muck.
When you over-explain yourself, you embody uneasiness. Over-explaining says, “I don’t really mean this, so I’m trying to find proof.” Or “This will only be valid if you agree with me.”
Saying No Mistake #3 – Using unclear wimpy language
Language is a key element of effective “No-Saying.”
Empowered language is clear, firm, compassionate, and keeps the focus on the issue. Most people get so nervous and distracted that they ultimately do themselves a disservice by speaking at all. They ramble through the territory of the “sort of,” “kinda,” and “ya know.”
Empowered language stops the rambling. “I’m getting clear on my priorities so I’m cutting back on the extra activities in my life. In order to honor that intention, I need to say no. Thanks for understanding.”
Saying No Mistake #4 – Trying to get approval
Rather than simply turning something down, sometimes you might “campaign” for your No. You want to say “No.” But that’s not enough.
You also want the parties involved to approve of your “No,” agree with your “No,” and not be mad at you for saying “No.”
(Can I get an “Amen!” ???)
Saying No means that some people might be disappointed in you. That’s their “stuff.” Accept that. Give them the gift of allowing their disappointment. Give yourself the gift of having preferences.
Saying No Mistake #5 – Hoping people will just ‘get it.’
Not responding at all. Putting the request off for a week. Avoiding eye-contact. These are the dances we do, hoping that people will just “get it.”
The problem with this approach is not that you’re not being “nice” to other people.
The problem is that you aren’t being complete with yourself. These little “Non-no’s” are actually draining your creative energy. Stop the leaks, and say no in the moment!
Saying No Mistake #6 – Promising something you don’t mean
There’s a “Friends” episode where Ross’s new girlfriend asks him where their relationship is “going.” Ross admits to his Friends that he doesn’t want the relationship to go anywhere. But rather than stating this to his girlfriend, Ross gives her the keys to his apartment and tells her he loves her.
It’s a funny episode because it shows how much energy and integrity we lose when we dishonor our own preferences and desires – all in an effort to avoid another person’s disappointment.
Saying No Mistake #7 – Giving in to guilt
When you say No, you might have to deal with some guilt.
At first, being on your own side is scary. This is why some people cave in as soon as the discomfort of guilt arises. Within a week, they change their mind and opt back into the thing they didn’t want to do in the first place.
Wavering and waffling sends shaky messages to everyone involved, including yourself. Allow the guilt, and just experience it. You’ll get more comfortable after a little practice!
Let’s face it. Saying No is uncomfortable sometimes. But once you experience the clarity and space that comes from saying No successfully, then you’ll never want to go back to the way you used to do it!