The closest I’ve come to wanting kids was last year when I was getting a haircut.
Rebecca, my stylist, was pregnant with her second child, and all the stylists were hanging around picking boy names. Rebecca and her partner had already chosen the name “Tula” if the baby was a girl. They were still uncertain about boy names.
The conversation was sheer joy. The delight was palpable among these hip women and artsy gay men. Babies on the brain. A million possible names. People touching Rebecca’s stomach. Everyone laughing with excitement.
Suddenly outta nowhere!
Ohmigod!
I wanted a baby!
I wanted that kind of attention from people. I wanted to feel the excitement of all that possibility! I wanted people to be excited about what to call my kid.
(Let’s face it. Not many people get excited about what you’ll name your next CD.)
Mostly, I wanted a daughter. And I wanted to name her “Tula.”
I began to play with the name. I imagined cute clothes for my hip artist daughter, Tula. I left the salon in a state of near hysteria. I called my friend Joy and left her a 10-minute message about how “Ohmigod what if I never have a girl named Tula? Is it possible that I’m making a huge mistake here?” (I think Joy still has that message saved for future use.)
I have friends who don’t have children and who never have moments like this one. They simply love their choice to not have children.
I, on the other hand, do have occasional moments of doubt. Usually these moments are superficial, and have less to do with me wanting to be a mother, and more to do with me getting approval and attention.
When it comes down to it, I find that I want to want to have kids. I just don’t ever hear that deeper calling.
The truth is that my creative career has been my focus. I love what I do. I grow from what I do. I am of service in what I do. Just like those reasons to have kids in the first post, this path I’ve chosen teaches me about unconditional love, present moment awareness, enlightenment and healing. No, it won’t come to visit me in the nursing home. But then again, Tula wouldn’t either. Let’s face it. She’d be too busy in her world travels to think of the mom who raised her to be so independent!
(Besides, I’m planning to spontaneously combust before a nursing home is necessary.)
The Hardest Parts about Not Having Kids
The requests I’ve received to write this series of posts have come from women who are in the midst of making their own choices about children.
So, here’s the deal. There are great things about both choices. And there are hard things about both choices.
Here are some of the bad things – from the profound to the petty – about not having kids.
1 – Your “Social Role” isn’t easily defined.
This has been huge for me.
When you don’t have children (and you’re a woman), you have to dig a little deeper for a social place and a purpose – which is a common quest for women in their 30’s and 40’s, when that nurturing energy kicks in. I’m lucky to live in a town where there are lots of women who chose not to have children – so I have models on this path!
I once heard medical-intuitive Caroline Myss talk about breast cancer. She described seeing it in some women who chose not to have kids but who never dealt with their social role and their innate need to nurture and create a purpose in life.
I believe that we are placed on this planet to serve. I believe this is our purpose. This is a very real energy. When women don’t have kids, they need to dig a little deeper for their calling and their “place.” (I think women can do this even when they do have kids, too!)
2 – The approval from older women/other women.
I was among a circle of women recently. All mothers. They all agreed that the approval and crooning of older women is a huge perk when you’re a new mom. Now, I know this can seem like a petty thing to crave. (After all, people applaud me every time I show up for my job – isn’t that enough?) But there is the slightest bit of sadness that I won’t ever experience the attention a woman gets when she’s pregnant or with young kids. Women supporting women is quite a powerful thing – and it feels good.
Note: The women in this circle who had older children said that when your children grow up, you find yourself missing all that cool attention you had when they were babies!
So, maybe the gist is that we all just need lots of support and love no matter what we’re doing in our lives!
3 – Not getting the good parking spaces.
I will never get to park in those “Stork Parking for Pregnant Moms and all their Cute Little Kids” parking spaces that are popping up all over the place.
(I happen to think there should be parking for “Women who aren’t moms who are having one of those days when they’d really like a good parking space.” So far, I haven’t seen one of these signs.)
4 – Getting angry emails from parents who read my posts about Courage
They always say things like, “Easy for you to say! You wouldn’t feel that way about taking chances if you had a few kids!”
5 – Fewer natural connections with women my age
Face it.
Women who have kids talk with other women who have kids. They talk about their kids. This is natural and normal.
I am blessed to have the best friends a girl could have, for sure. And I notice that when I am talking with, say, a high school friend I haven’t seen in many years, the conversation is almost always about her kids.
I can listen and laugh and take part because the kid thing is a universal topic of conversation that any woman understands. However, the choice to not have kids and be an artist and a ‘pioneer’ isn’t a universal topic. So it’s a little more challenging to find that common ground on my end!
Again, I treasure the friendships I do have. (I also hire my fair share of coaches and mentors who support me, and help keep me on track and moving in a positive direction. This is huge.)
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Now, obviously none of these items is painful enough or motivational enough to make me breed.
After all, let’s say Tula turns 9 and asks, “Mom, why did you decide to have me?”
I’d like for my answer to be more profound than: “Well, dear, I wanted some random angry emailers to like me, and I was tired of not getting the good parking spaces.”
The Best Parts about Not Having Kids
There are many days when I’m grateful that I don’t have children. I can either criticize myself for creating a life that is so perfectly designed for me and my quirkiness. (The old struggle-addicted part of me will occasionally do this.) Or I can marvel that my soul has led me to design a life that is peaceful and creative and adventurous all at once.
Here are the best parts about not having kids…
1 – No one tells me how to live my life or raise my dog.
2 – I get lots of silent time.
3 – I have lots of free time.
4 – I can travel whenever I want.
5 – I don’t have to re-live high school by watching my daughter go through it.
(This is enough to make me do a dance.)
6 – I learn to trust my choices even when they aren’t the social norm.
7 – I get to be the cool aunt to my nieces, and they get to be super-special!
8 – I can have occasional emotional days and not wonder if my dog will need therapy someday because of them.
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Christine- I fell in love with your song “Off the Ground” when I heard it on a CD called “Women’s Work”. I haven’t even gotten through enough of your site to see if I can find it (lost the CD). I just have to comment on this blog. Until recently, I felt very much the same about the kid thing. Now, I find myself six months pregnant and in utter disbelief that this is actally happening to ME! I’m so glad to see that someone’s offering this valuable advice and an open forum regarding such an important choice. As for me, I’m just going to have to get past this “holy shit” phase, but thank you on behalf of those questioning their decision not to be parents.
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hi beth – i think the “hs phase” is probably quite universal. I know I’d be feeling it! But congratulations anyway! I really do think that pregnant women are just gorgeous!
(And yes, the song “off the ground” is on my cd “This Time Last Year.” You can get it on iTunes too. Thanks!)
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And you know, as i’ve read all these comments, I keep thinking of a conversation I had with a friend of mine who has one child. She was saying that probably it’s fine to just HAVE kids without thinking about it. (She was saying, “What’s wrong with just being in your 20′s and cluelessly having kids?”) As with anything, if you think too much, you can always find too many pros and cons. And maybe if you HAVE to think too much, then it’s simply not the right choice for you! Thanks for all the cool thoughts on the topic!
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Christine – I’ve been reading your blog for ages – I often seek it out when I find that fear or frustration is overtaking me and need a quick wakeup call. Just wanted to directly comment about the angry e-mails you mention from parents, challenging the notion that courageous choices are possible for parents. For my husband and myself, having our son nine months ago was actually the wake up call to living more courageously. We want him to grow up with role models who create their lives intentionally and joyfully, not parents who are resigned to becoming martyrs of the practical. I left my career in higher ed to start teaching baby and toddler yoga and spend more time at home and with friends, and my husband is turning his passion for physical fitness and wellness into a career as a trainer. I even offer childcare services to his clients! And next year I’ll be taking an adult yoga teacher training, something I’ve wanted to do for ages, but have felt “not good enough” for. For me, something about birth and my son’s infancy just shook away layers of fear and self-doubt, and made me really, really open to possibility. And I keep stumbling upon other people whose new lives as parents have inspired them to open up even further. You’ve inspired me to start writing about this journey at earthyyogamom.blogspot.com. Thanks!!
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I am 33 years old, a single parent to a 4 year old, and made the decision to have my son when I was 28 after having spent my whole life up until then wondering why anyone in their right mind would want children. I love my son, absolutely, and wouldn’t trade him for anything HOWEVER as a musician/writer with a highly creative side I struggle daily with the frustration of not being able to take the necessary time to cultivate my innate desire to pursue writing & producing music, travel etc. Whatever your decision – both choices have their pros & cons. Raising a child is all consuming and not for everyone. And one day, I’m going to sing about it.
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Eileena Reply:
April 12th, 2012 at 7:22 pm
I appreciate you being honest. I don’t want kids at all! People try to convince me but I am not interested, no way!
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Thank you to Cynthia (comment: October 19th 10:55am)! I can completely relate to everything you’ve said.
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I love it. As a 45 year old “girl” who has never felt the urge to have kids, it’s so great to be a part of the subject matter. If you ever pick up an O magazine or any other popular womans magazine, they are packed full of articles and tips on how to manage your life as a mother and put yourself first. While I totally appreciate the role of mothers and the challenges they face – it’s pretty rare to find reading that speaks to those of us who are happily married without children.
As an added bonus – we remain ageless because we don’t have kids that remind us just how old we are!
Cheers!
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Eileena Reply:
April 12th, 2012 at 7:23 pm
I am with you Sheri. I am married with no kids. Me and my husband never argue, travel, always have money/savings, etc. It is a great life! No stress!
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Shelly Young Reply:
May 12th, 2012 at 10:40 pm
I have friends with both children and not. The ones that don’t have a definite amount of self absorbtion and inward focus which you don’t see so much in mothers. I personally think you become more well rounded person because you have learnt to be less selfish, more compassionate, patient and more community minded. I’m not saying either is better just that there is a noticeable difference.
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Christine Kane Reply:
May 13th, 2012 at 2:32 pm
Shelly – Your observation may be true for you — but keep in mind that “self-absorption” is a judgment call and not exactly objective!
The women I know and coach who don’t have children often give boatloads of their souls and lives to their clients and friends – and that is how they step out of the ego traps of “it’s all about me.” There are many ways to rise above ego. Not just having children.
Oh my God, Christine…It never even occured to me that I’m going to have to relive high school through my daughters! And I have two of them, so I’ll have to relive it twice!
Maybe I can send them to a convent before that happens. Can I?
Seriously, I think it is such an individual choice, what makes an authentic life for a person. For me, it’s having children and living authentically and creatively with them. Your “work in the world” as you say, involves something else entirely, which is what is right for you. I don’t think either of us has to validate our choice by making it better somehow than the other. What is right for you is right for you; what is right for me is right for me. And, as you’ve so nicely illustrated in your post, there are plusses and minuses for either choice.
I still can’t believe I didn’t think about that high school thing…
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Hi Christine,
I love your blog. Thanks again for the kid talk. I requested the topic so I was especially excited when you wrote about it. I just wanted to hear some enlightened women’s voices … kind of like a collective wisdom or a frame of reference. I thought it might help me to find some clarity. I am so grateful to everyone who commented on these 3 posts.
I’m responding to your comment: “As with anything, if you think too much, you can always find too many pros and cons. And maybe if you HAVE to think too much, then it’s simply not the right choice for you!”
For me at least I think this is not the case. My “thinking” isn’t cerebral like a pro/con list. It’s more of a whole-self journey to my buried truth. Some people (like me) have to make a conscious choice, though I wish I were like your friend for whom it was perfect to have a baby without thinking about it.
Even if deep down in our hearts we long for children, that may become obscured by major fears that must be overcome so we don’t make the fearful and wrong-for-us choice to not have children. Overcoming well-founded fears can take time and work. We may have circumstances to sort out, like building a relationship with someone we’d like to have children with. We may be working to get spiritually fit to be a parent, to let go of destructive thinking/behaviors and find some inner peace. We may be learning to take care of ourselves so we can take care of someone else too. We may be so confused that it takes a long time to realize we have always wanted children.
I’ve been waiting for some kind of message from the universe, all the while journeying to the place where the universe would finally reveal me to myself. Sorry for getting so flowery. It’s hard to explain and that’s just how it came out! In essence, I think that all my “thinking” is a clue. If I didn’t want to have children, I wouldn’t agonize so much over it. Like Naomi, I would have simply forgotten to have kids!
Peace,
Stephanie
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Hi Christine -
I am a guy, so here is my perspective from my own life. In the earlier years of our marriage I/we really wanted children and I had hopes for a large family. Then eventually the reality hit home that we were infertile. During those years when many of our friends were having families I felt like someone on the outside looking in. It took me a long time to get over that. But eventually I let go and moved on.
After that we decided to adopt….but that process had it’s own quirks as you suddenly find yourself and your life being put under a microscope to determine if you are good enough. But as the adoption process continued to drag on year after year with no end in sight, we finally came to a point where we made the conscious choice to stop and choose to live child free the rest of our lives. There are multiple good pathways each of us can choose to go down during our journey through life. However, before we got around to calling the adoption agency and canceling our plans, the agency called us and told us we had been chosen by a birth mom!
So now, being parents has had its own set of unique joys and hardships and we could not be happier. I always tell myself that life is what I make of it and I will try to enjoy the journey no matter what road I am on. There is always something different and fun to look at.
Best,
Chris
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Hi Christine,
I’ve been reading your blog for maybe a year, and I appreciate your perspective. I wanted to tell you that I completely agree with your point about receiving support from other women. I’ve been thinking about that a lot lately. I felt that support/attention when I married, and I was completely blindsided by it. I had not felt any support like that before or since, and because we are not having children I don’t expect to feel it again.
I think that support is why I occationally envy my friends with kids. I know their lives aren’t easy, but when I think of them that’s the adjective that pops into my head. I think that support system is why I think it’s easy, but I had never been able to articulate that before. Thank you.
Jen
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I sense some animosity among some of the women with kids vs. those without. This is the very issue about choosing to not have children. You are out of the “club”, because you don’t have a child. I do not have children and have friends that have confessed to me if they had it all to do over, they would not have children. Often it is not the children, it is how their lives change, how their husbands change, how their day to day routing changes, how money changes, and how other things change that they don’t anticipate! Not that they would ever admit this to one of the mom’s with kids, but to a single childless women (aka: me), they all have their weak moments, several more than once….
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Hi Christine-
I happened to come across this topic and I’m glad I did. The posts here have been so enlightening.
I’m in my 20′s and have been married for 2 years. Neither me nor my husband wants children, especially after seeing our sisters’ have daughters. We love our nieces but we see how difficult and trying it is to raise them and change the daily routine.
I’ve *never* been one to follow the crowd, but within the past few months, quite a few women I know closely and not closely have gotten pregnant. At some point, I stepped back and thought “WHOA….they are all around my age.” One great thing I took from your first post is that there’s a part of me that wants to want kids. However, nothing deeper on a maternal level is there. I may be somewhat young but this is an issue in my life and it will probably continue to be, especially since my mother-in-law is old-fashioned and expects us to have a child one day. Thanks so much for sharing your thoughts on such a sensitive topic. I will check out your music!
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there once was an actual need to bear children; to help work the fields in order to feed the family. it was the natural order. now it’s soccer practice and expensive camps during school breaks and the headaches of public schools and two working parents and junk food.
there is no biological imperative to have children. they are clearly an amazing life-changing experience but you are not required to have them! AND it is definitely NOT SELFISH to not have kids considering how many people look down on you! it’s obvious in the above posts that many people feed off the attention and built-in social life that parenting brings. it’s the child-free that are on the outside. so who is being selfish, really?
before anyone calls a child-free couple selfish they should ask themselves why they had children themselves. was it because NOT having them was too out of the norm, too weird? that alone is selfish – to have children out of fear of societal judgement…
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Well hello, I am in my early 20′s but I don’t think I’ll ever get the urge of having children. I was thinking about this and googled for some opinions and found this amazing blog. Yes, it may be hard sometimes and for society it may be part of women’s role, but what about our role as a single person? I have some friends that have been wanting to have kids since they were 15. Then, there was me that even during adolescence was being judged for not wanting a kid. So there was one time when I thought… is something wrong with me? or should I go to a shrink. Am I really that different? Finally I got to the answer. People are afraid of being alone.
Its not that much of a certain role or anything is about companionship. That dreadful question that everyone ask themselves once in a while, will I end up alone? Even if you get married and think that you’ll have the love of your life beside you always, there is a certain possibility that you won’t. After all what are statics for? So people have kids to be in a certain box, a box that says “yes, today I’m alone, but tomorrow my kid will show up or something”. I think of it as an excuse to fase the horror of being SOLO.
Anyway, I happen to be an only child so I won’t ever get to be that hip and cool aunt that you are so proud of being. I’d love that, that’s why I’m becoming a godmother soon enough and I’ll be that cool aunt although not blood connected.
Another thing just hit me. I have an aunt who just had a kid at 45. She’s judged for having a kid too old. I mean do you have to have children a certain age for people to accept you, too???
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Thank-you to everyone for your input on the having kids issue. I am 35 and have been married for 15 years. I know in my heart that I do no want to have children and cannot think of a time throughout my life when I did want children.
This is a very big milestone to reach, especially as a woman. I have tried to understand why people do want children. For some people it is just natural and flows with their life path. However, I do think that many people (both women and men) choose to have children for reasons that are troubling to me. People feel that being a parent gives them legitimacy in the eyes of greater society but especially among their family and friends (especially their parents).
I think that many people, in their late 20′s/early 30′s begin to have a glimpse of a spiritual crisis- who am I, what is my purpose. Before it gets too scary they fill in that blank space by becoming parents. After the kids go off to college, the empty nest kicks in and who returns… yep the who am I, what is my purpose feeling that was put off for 2 decades.
This is then when parents start to long for grandchildren – ahh… yes now my purpose is to be a grandparent and hopefully have a grandson so that as I approach the end of my life I can feel that my family (and name) will continue on.
This then adds to the pressure for a whole new generation of people in their late 20′s/early 30′s to start to have children… and on and on it goes.
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I have enjoyed reading all of the different opinions on this blog and I love your you tube videos Christine.
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As your blog regarding the best and worst trickled into my inbox, I read with shear bewilderment that you had written this fantastic article about me!! I am 36 and have no plans to have babies…(I have 4 and they all have 4-legs and a tail!!) I have received more than enough “friendly reminders” that I will not have any visitors in the RETIREMENT HOME, and that I must be selfish to now want to have babies!! Funny, my husband and I see it quite the opposite. That we are not so self absorbed that we have babies for the need of attention, or to satisfy society’s expectations of our age-group! I will not lie, I have that fleeting desire to decorate a little girl’s room…but it is just that FLEETING!!! I think the biggest part of being a non-parent is the sorority of soccer moms that I will never be a part of. I live in small but substantial university town where there is this whose who connection of whose little league team you kiddo is on and well, frankly, if you are a 30 something without kids, you must be destitute!
I love my life, I love my husband and I absolutely love my 4 Boston terriers! Sure I wonder what a reproduction combo of my husband and I would look like, but I think I will just live in mystery!
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Thank you for these posts. They have been really helpful, especially today… My fiance just told me today that he does not want anymore kids (he has a 12 year old that lives with us). I feel like I now have to choose between him and having kids… Still not sure what to do…
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Hey I’m 20, not married and don’t have kids. I don’t want any. I’m not that kind of person. Having a little person run around that looks just like you that spawned from you is the scariest feeling in the world. And I’ve been through more than enough pregnancies scares to help me realize having kids isn’t for me. I’ve been influenced by alot of older people in my life and for awhile I was trying to figure out what makes them so different from everyone else is because they don’t have any kids! I want to be just like them, I want to be my own man, not paying tens of thousands of dollars every year to maintain a child, when all that money could go towards feeding myself and my future wife. That’s all I want, to eat dinner with my wife at our kitchen table every night for 50 years straight. Which is why if I found the right girl I would so get married right now, it would certainly help me reach all my goals and dreams and help me out financially, us being the dinks, having a dog and a cat, a spic and span house, no messes, no hair falling out, no obesity from stress, no whining or crying, no stupid questions, ahh I can’t wait to get older just to enjoy the feeling of not having kids.
BTW I don’t care about socially condescending people who will think we’re weird or crazy and it’s ungodly to not have children like the almighty creator intended us to. jesus christ didnt have children, he had the right idea. so i wont either.
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Great post. I’m over 40 with my own business and no kids. Never wanted any.
The thing that bothers me is that I’ve thought about wanting them twice – both times when my work and business were not going well (or I was just miserable) and I thought “well, this isn’t working, maybe kids would give me something to do for a few years.” Wrong. Wrong reason to have them. Wrong to put that on another person (hi, I had you because I was bored and you seemed like you’d fill some time).
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Thanks for this post; I think it’s a subject that mothers and non-mothers, both, need to give thought to. I always wanted kids. An abusive childhood left me incompetent in most areas of functioning throughout my twenties and thirties. I sometimes felt a strong temptation to have a baby just to find someone to love, some kind of real family. Fortunately, I didn’t give in to this selfish desire, remembering what it was like to be raised by psychological cripples. With a good deal of effort and therapy, I finally got things pretty much together personally by my late forties, but by then my marriage had started to fall apart. We divorced — and then menopause settled the issue.
I mourned this loss and made peace with it. However, right about this time, some of the women at the new department I had recently transferred to at work began to make comments — sometimes several times a day — about my childlessness, how childless woman aren’t “real women,” about how fulfilling motherhood and grandmotherhood are. Several of them decided that I “didn’t like children” (I love being around kids) and would rather pointedly apologize to me if their kids or grand-kids visited them at work, ignoring my protestations. There was such an undercurrent of hostility centering around this subject. Oddly enough, they never did this to an openly lesbian woman (also childless) with whom they’d worked for years — just me.
Eventually, I noticed that not all the mothers in the department were so critical of my childless status. Paying closer attention, I finally realized that the kinder, non-critical mothers were in fact happy and fulfilled in motherhood, while the mean women seemed to have constant problems with their families. Seeing that really helped.
So I hope that anyone else who encounters this kind of cruelty from other women will closely consider the source.
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Thank you very much for that post. I’m 34 and have been married for a long time, and I feel that pressure and disapproval from relatives, and society in general. I love kids but somehow I feel being a mother is not for me. I always look for role models such as yourself to feel better about my choice. What Sukie said is really accurate: I get more hostility from people who are not totally happy with their lives, and envy the freedom and “youthfulness” of mine.
I guess some people get a little insecure about their life choices when they see me so happy and fulfilled! Also it’s funny how many people talk about being “on vacation” when their kids are away. Yes, it is a full-time job, and no, it’s not for everybody.
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Kelly Reply:
May 15th, 2012 at 11:21 am
hooray!
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Hi dear and empowering Christine, I was sent here by a good friend, Lance Ekum, who told me that after my last post, The Path to Fulfillment: To have or not to have children, which got crazy attention, that I must connect with you and boy did I enjoy reading EVERY SINGLE WORD here! It’s funny – the reasons you mention for wanting to have kids are not even important to me. I don’t care about the parking spaces and I really don’t want angry email
! – I also don’t care about the attention people give each other about babies, I think women with babies often forget to be women first – they lose their identity in their children and along with it, they lose who they were….I know it’s lovely to think we become someone else but there is nothing wrong with the fabulous person we are now! I can add a thousand more reasons not t have them but that’s not the point here. The point is that I will get the guilt trip especially from both Moms and I will never make my parents as proud as I wish I could no matter what they say, I know they want me to have babies, and all of this will feed me a bitter regret that I have to taste for the rest of my life, and all of this is alone for me to want to choose my path. Oh dear, I did get carried away. Well, I’ll find you and come see your show 
!!
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I recall being in my early 20s and at a family reunion of sorts with all my female cousins and aunts going on and on about their babies and birthing experiences ( which sounded horrifying to me). One of my aunts mist have sensed my discomfort with the whole discussion and said to me – in front of everybody – “Don’t worry – having kids doesn’t make you any more of a woman. Skip it if you want to.” she herself has one child. I always remembered that whenever I found myself in one of those situations where my gal pals who had started having babies were going on and on about it and sort of treating me like an outsider (OK maybe I just felt like that).
One thing that did drive me nuts was older women asking when I was going to have kids and when I replied that I wasn’t intered in having children they’d tell me that I’d change my mind. Around the time I turned 40 they finally stopped asking
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It’s nice to see another creative soul who doesn’t want kids. We’re such in the minority. I’ve also visited a lot of other forums that discuss this topic, and the mothers on here who are commenting for whatever reason seem to be very cool and non-judgmental and it’s nice to hear them say positive things. I like the lack of tension on the subject here. I wish more people would just live and let live between childfrees and parents.
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Wow I am glad to come across this blog today. I was feeling very much left out by all my friends and family who are having little families of their own. I think what brought this on today was a friend again suggesting we have kids of our own. I found myself going to those “are you ready for a baby quizzes” and purposely trying to fail them. LOL. I am almost 30 years old and have been married for almost 8 years. While we have no children we do have lots of animals (rabbits, dogs and cats). We built our dream home out in the country before we got married. We enjoy traveling together (mainly road trips) and we spend a lot of time together. We have toyed with the thought of having kids….but when the decision came down to kid or truck? we chose truck
lol. I am super excited to spend time with my brothers girlfriends kid. I like little children. I think babies and toddlers are cute as heck. But we are both very annoyed with kids older than 6, they seem like cry babies and brats (esp last week when there was a table with 8 kids at a restaurant OMG we thought it was like birth controL! LOL). There was a time when we thought we would like to have a child…..and then my young husband barely over 30 had a heart attack, and it required a very serious operation. There was a part of me that wished I had a child so that I’d have a peice of him still around if he didn’t make it….but now that’s it’s over I see how that was the worst time of my life going through all that and I realize how much harder it would have been with kids. It took us a year to get back to “our normal”. We are just now back to that happy place. And through all of that I think I learned what is important and what is not, along with who is important and who is not. But also with that I learned what I could and couldn’t do on my own. There was so much that I couldn’t take care of on my own aroudn the house, it was crazy. The truck battery died, I needed help replacing that. I couldn’t keep up with mowing the field and the yard, neighbors helped with their tractors. I just realized how helpless I really am. How could I ever care for a child. And even more so the fear of things you can’t control worries me about kids. I almost lost my husband and now I am so protective of him. I worry about him being around people who smoke or eat bad….how could I ever have a kid-I’d worry worse! And what if my kid was sick-seriously sick….what if my kid was a jerk….what if my kid didn’t listen and got hurt…..just too many what if’s. I think for now we are going to focus on us and not think of having kids…..if that feeling changes we’ll be ready for it. But as for now….it’s just us and the pets 
and fun kids around us to visit and do things with when we want. The most thing I worry about when it comes to not having kids is what if it’s too late? I think we only have 5 more years (I think they say after 35 it’s risky for a woman) so what if when we are passed that age we regret it? that’s all I ever worry about. I keep thinking that yea my friends kids are cute now, but wait till they grow up and cause them grief. This may or may not be the right way to think of things. And maybe I’ll change my mind….but for now…I was happy to come across your article to make me feel like I still fit in somewhere…..
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Cristina Reply:
November 14th, 2011 at 7:26 pm
Hi Michelle,
I have been struggling for many years myself regarding this issue. I am 34 and I also have NEVER been one to follow the crowd. My husband and I both feel the same way about not having kids and all of the close people in our lives who we thought felt the same way all decided to have kids….
My husband and I have a very special relationship, after 17 years of being together, we still act like new lovers and are also very best friends. We do not want this to change at any point but I struggle with the fact (daily) that if I were to ever lose my husband, would I regret not having a part of him left behind (a child)?? I remind myself that no matter what, that child will not be him… heck that child could have the total opposite personality, who knows!
Until I read your comment, I thought I was the only one in the world to think about all the things you mentioned and now I don’t feel so alone! We seem to have a lot in common and I have no friends to share this same issue with. I know this article is a couple years old but if you ever want to email, it would be great to chat!
Thanks,
Cristina
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I am 40 and I don’t have kids. For the longest time I reveled in the freedom, feeling of independence and strength of my choice. I made artwork featuring my IUD as Artemis’ bow. (the fiercely independent virgin goddess – I’m a virgin to having kids). Only in the last couple of years as I see that narrow space left in the closing window do I start to panic a little – to question myself. Am I missing out on life’s greatest experience? It’s not all the time – it is usually when a cousin or sister-in-law is pregnant, and they are so celebrated, so special, so supported. They share a profound common experience with other women that I will never share. I’m not in the core circle… again. I will have to find my sense of purpose somewhere else. I am sick of justifying my choice. No one ever asks moms ‘why’ they are choosing to have kids. I am tired of listing the ways I actually do cherish children. I adore my nephews and niece, I want to be the eccentric and supportive auntie. It’s easier for people to take if I keep it ambiguous… “It’s not in the cards for me…” They come to their own conclusions, often with sadness in their eyes. I have wished for a malfunctioning uterus so it’s not my ‘fault’ to not have kids – I am spared the judgement. I can’t wait for that window to slam shut, so I can let go of the lingering question – “should I jump… should I just do it?” and go get on with my life.
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Nice Post,
Found myself here when I googled “not having children”
The very fact that I googled that indicates that I need a sense of reassurance.
At 35 and few failed ivf`s, I do question my reason to have children.
I have had success in my professional life and happily married for 11 yrs. Having children was postponed due to college and circumstances.
We are at a good point in our life to raise a child. But life has a different plan for us.
Growing up, I took care of my younger siblings and found myself babysitting most of my younger days. So, I was never in a hurry to have kids of my own.
Now in my present situation, I truly wonder why I want children?
1. ego – the feeling of failing as a woman
2. social pressure – so many mothers around me
3. the next thing to do in life
4. Life is good and stress free now- Time to add another challenge
5. The camaraderie of being a mother and growing children
6. Possibility of future regret if I do not have children
7. People pitying me for not having children
All this comes after all my justification of not having children
1. My life is not tied down [ but people and family expect more of our time just because we have no kids.]
2. We can travel [ everyone travels just different destinations and face it how much do we travel indeed]
3. I have freedom [ We are already free ]
4. Kids are brats these days [ we were too ]
5 Society has changed so much how will i cope up as I am not living in ignorant bliss
6. The stress and fear of dealing with drugs, predators, bullying, etc [ It seems to have reached a different level]
7. There are 4 billion people already eating up resources. nature is trying to control our population if do not kill ourselves already.
Whether we like it or not as many here have pointed, People judge us on being childless.
Then again they judge us on many things as well. The problem is within us as we have our own feeing of failure.
We do not need to give a justification why we are childless. Life happens and we have decisions to make based on our own life and experiences and destiny.
In spite of all the knowledge and understanding, we life reassurance and support.
Thank you
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Interesting post – thoughts to ponder……how different would your life be if your parents had chose not to have kids?
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Just stumbled across your blog and i must say this particular entry stood out for me.
I am a married 30 year old women and we do not plan on having children. I relate to your observations about wanting the attention from others about announcing pregnancy, thinking of baby names etc etc. but thats all.
My husband and I love spending time with friends children but would never want to have any. (I have 2 beautiful dogs which take up enough time) However I get do odd comments like ” you will want children when your older” or “your soo selfish!” or “what are you going to do with your life”. These really annoy me. I am a grown professional woman and it hurts when some people completely disregard my thoughts and choices as it goes against their beliefs. I think that women who decide not to have children, have made their choice after a lot of thought, rather than a random spur for the moment decision.
Luckily I have a fantastic friend (who is a mum) and she has told me she enjoys spending time actually not talking about babies or children, when we catch up.
Every woman’s choice should be accepted and not dismissed purely because it is not the 1950′s (sorry we are in 2012!!!) norm.
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