6 Irresistible Reasons to Stop Explaining Yourself - Christine Kane

Rita’s dad didn’t approve of her choice to join a mastermind to help her grow her business. Rita said she was expecting a long email from him filled with judgments. As she waited for that email, she was figuring out what she would write back.


Jan, one of my Platinum-level coaching clients, bought her dream house. She avoided telling her friends about it for fear that they would judge her, or call her irresponsible. She was “gearing up” to explain her choice to them.


After much deliberation, Patrick hired a personal assistant.  He was happy and excited to share it with the Uplevel Academy mastermind.  When I sat down and talked with him about his choice (and to celebrate!), I learned that he was feeling sheepish, “like a diva or something.”  He hadn’t told anyone in his life about this choice because he didn’t yet have the words to “explain his choice.”  


Now, there are some people who might read these stories and think, “Are you kiddin’ me? Who cares what anyone thinks about your houses or masterminds or anything??!”

If this is you, then read no further. This article is not for you.

I’m writing this for the “explainers” out there. And it doesn’t matter if you explain to parents, partners, or priests. You know who you are!

You’ve heard me talk about the benefits of going “Complaint-Free,” right? Well, today, we’re going to talk about going “Explaint-Free!”

And here are 6 irresistible reasons to do just that:

1 – Waiting Drains Your Energy.

When I’m coaching an explainer, I can see that much of her energy goes to the act of waiting.

She waits for judgment.

She waits for people to “get” her before she’ll take action.

She waits for people to approve of her choice.

She waits for criticism.

This literally drains her creative life force. Both women in the examples above were losing energy waiting for criticism.

Here’s your first big challenge: Give up the non-activity of waiting.

2 – We All Need to Learn to Trust Our Choices.

Explaining robs you of empowerment.

Our decisions teach us valuable lessons about intuition and instinct. RARELY do our clear decisions come from our mental activity. Gut instinct is clearer than our critical minds.

When we explain ourselves, however, we move away from the place of deep trust in our intuition and into the realm of mental activity – where the choice didn’t come from in the first place! We’ve suddenly stopped honoring and trusting ourselves and started creating a pattern of mental activity as we question our choices.

3 – Explaining Blocks Creativity.

Creativity means you’re the Creator of your life. You’re a Creator. Not a Reactor. When you explain yourself, you become a “Reactor.” You can’t live in both realms at once. They contradict each other. Living in a state of reaction causes you to cut off the flow of creativity.

4 –Disapproval is a Great Opportunity.


Yes, I’m serious about this!

Becoming an adult in the deepest sense is about learning to take responsibility for your actions and choices. Sometimes that means other people won’t like these actions and choices. And what a great opportunity people provide when they do that!

I once heard a relationship coach say that love can sometimes mean letting your partner be disappointed in your choices. Think about that. Can you stand in your body and love someone enough to allow them not be happy with a choice you’re making?

5 – Explainers Endorse Irresponsibility.

People who take personal responsibility for their lives do not blame others (or themselves) for their unhappiness, for their life situations, or for their financial state, etc. Instead, they recognize that they created it, and they can un-create or re-create anything. It’s an empowering place to live.

Many people do not live in this level of personal responsibility. They are too busy blaming other people, taking other people’s inventory, and looking outside themselves for their happiness. Teacher and author Byron Katie calls this minding other people’s business instead of your own.

Your choice to explain yourself teaches other people that it’s okay not to take responsibility, and that it’s okay to mind your business instead of their own. Your explanations actually perpetuate the pattern of irresponsibility!

6 – Explainers Play Small. It’s Time to Play Big.

Explainers are waiting for permission, or approval, or for people to “get” their choices. So much unhappiness and depression comes from a lifetime of waiting for these meaningless things. It’s the ultimate meaning of Playing Small.

Playing Big means being clear, and making decisions from your soul. And your soul doesn’t feel the need to explain anything!

  • Tucker L Jones

    I can see the possible truth in all of these points, but I find myself extremely resistant to this. I have been very misunderstood and shunned by a lot of people my whole life and there have been times where fighting to make people listen was the only thing that got me anywhere. Also, I’ve noticed that if you refuse to stop explaining yourself, the people that are the worst for you in your life eventually get fed up and leave, and the people that really love you stay. Maybe I’d benefit greatly from letting go of the need to explain myself as this article suggests but I can’t really see it, for me in specific anyway.

  • Marylouise Sheedy

    It’s true as a manager I never explained my actions, I stated am doing this or that, no explanation given. Amazing.

  • Gene

    Then again I also see how explaining is a bit of a double-edged sword.
    Couldn’t explaining or clarifying be potentially beneficial for oneself and other people involved depending on the person or situation?
    Explaining is a lot of what we do is it not?

  • Gene

    In all honesty I really needed this as a man. Enough said.

  • Till Kaeslin

    This just really spoke to me – beautifully worded.

  • Charlotte

    Thank you for this down to Earth post. I always wondered why I would feel a little annoyed or drained when I had to explain myself excessively, and growing up, I’m beginning to recognize the importance of not having to explain myself. I couldn’t agree more with the statement that we all need to trust ourselves more.

  • Dean Russell

    Christine, you have a gift of explaining of skill of explaining. Great article as always, love your blog.

  • Jay

    Hi have these “defending myself type” of conversations in my head a little too often. Usually about me defending myself from people’s unfair retrictions they try to impose on me, resulting in me having to stand up for myself, and I run through the scenario in my head to justify myself deserving fairness from them. It’s usually scenarios with people that are hypocrites that want “their cake” but no one else is allowed to. Not sure if this article is hitting the point my situation as I’m still trying to discover whatever is needed to to understand this better. Any additional feedback is appreciated as well

  • Barb Toland

    Love, love, love this one! I won’t waste another second on explaining myself ever again. Thank you for shining such a bright, beautiful light on this sometimes debilitating issue – especially for women. Christine – you are a rock start in so many ways. xo

  • Lauren

    Christine – your content is unreal. It always cuts straight to the heart and doesn’t dilly dally in the comfortable. Thank you! Thank you for reminding me that today when I felt undercut by a client who was second guessing my solutions, that it was the BEST thing to do to let her vent, stick with my gut, and not bother arguing or explaining. I started to, but felt like it would have been a losing battle – that this was actually a struggle my client was fighting inward, and I was simply the sounding board. I’m paid for my expertise. Although I’m not infallible, I know when I’m right and am willing to admit when I don’t have a clue. Thank you for reaffirming my journey to be strong for my clients when they are weak; to not slip into their valley but instead pull them up.

  • Rebekah Marks

    I didn’t realize I’m an “explainer” until reading this post. Thank you, Christine! No more explaining for me!