Jealousy and Envy: How to Deal and Heal - Christine Kane

My friend Grace is a massage therapist. Long ago, she got her master’s degree in psychology. In her studies, she did a research project on jealousy and envy. She said that during the study, very few of the participants ever admitted to actually feeling jealous or envious in the situation that Grace had created. And yet, they all had spiteful and catty reactions when the person (of whom they “weren’t jealous”) faced sudden failure. And given the opportunity, the participants trashed this person, even reveled in doing so. Grace and I were at a dinner party when she told me about this. It started a lively conversation about jealousy and envy, and how uncomfortable it can be to admit to, feel, and deal with these emotions.

Last week, I clicked on a blog that linked to mine. A fellow blogger (also a songwriter) wrote a post about feeling jealous of me and my success in music. Her feelings were raw, exposed, and clearly uncomfortable. I felt immediate compassion, mostly because there’s so little support for this very real shadow side of us humans. Jealousy and envy can make you feel isolated, small, and pathetic.

Conflicting messages

Much of the media needs you to be jealous. It encourages envy. This is what hooks the reader and the viewer. And it’s what gets them to buy things. This isn’t a secret. And it’s not worth discussion. It just is. For women, this pattern usually starts early. I started wishing I was other people by the age of seven. I got my first Teen Magazine at the age of nine. My nieces, the oldest of whom is ten (TEN!) are already hooked into it. They’re already in the pattern of comparison, jealousy, and criticism. And they are beautiful and sweet little girls. It seems that this has become accepted behavior.

The flip side is the “Be Nice” message that also bombards us. I believe this is where the real damage happens. This is what causes the shame that locks the jealousy firmly into place. This message comes from our churches, and our schools, and our parents. “Be nice! (But be a little more like her, too, okay?)”

Another level of the “Be Nice” message comes from the success gurus. The Law of Attraction. The message here is that if you don’t celebrate everyone else’s success, then you’re blocking your own success, and you’ll inevitably fail, be more miserable, and no one will want to include you in their circles of successful people who aren’t jealous or envious. (Okay, so they don’t actually say all that — but when you’re feeling awful, it can seem like they are!)

It’s true that opening up to other people’s victories will open you to your own. It’s true that your joy attracts more joy. AND it’s also true that if you can’t find your way to that joyful place, then the confusion and pain that accompany your envy can be devastating.

Jealousy and Envy as Teachers

Jealousy and envy are grey matter. They’re not black or white. They don’t make you a bad person. In fact, they aren’t even the truth of you. You’re not a jealous person. You are not your envy.

Becoming aware of these shadow aspects of ourselves is a process and a slow letting go. It’s not a matter of seeing that your shirttail is hanging out, and quickly tucking it back in. (Though eventually, with some work, you’ll get better at saying “no” when jealousy begins to pop into your consciousness.)

If you’ve been prone to the pattern of envy or jealousy throughout your life, then most likely, these emotions are your spiritual teachers. They will ultimately help you transcend. But probably for a while, you will have to face them, not just tuck them in.

Tips for Healing Jealousy and Envy

1 – Claim your own stuff

I was working in a video-editing suite with two women. Both are mothers. Both have boys. They were talking about their relief about having boys, not girls. One of them said, “God I can’t stand girls. They’re mean. They’re jealous. They’re cruel. I don’t even like women. I’d rather be with men. Women are horrible.”

On the one hand, it’s always good to know where you stand with someone. So, I guess I had that in my favor. 🙂 But obviously, neither of them could see the irony of what they were saying.

Gandhi said, “Be the change you wish to see in the world.” AA says, “You spot it. You got it!” If you’re threatened by women, if you’re surrounded by jealousy and negativity, if your daughters are cruel, then the very best thing you can do is look within. The only place to begin shifting is inside of you. Stop wishing the outside were different. Start being the difference.

2 – Stop trying to figure it out

Trying to “figure out why” can keep you stuck. “Why am I so jealous? Why am I so envious? Why can’t I be more like that guy who’s never jealous?” Those questions don’t serve the situation. Those questions are just your ego. Your ego doesn’t want you to face the actual feeling because it’s so unbearably uncomfortable. So it creates a smoke screen by asking why. This might make you feel even worse, but at least you’re not having to experience the feeling. Feeling bad is sometimes easier than feeling uncomfortable.

3 – Go on a media diet

Every morning at the gym, I’m surrounded by women on the cross-trainers reading People, Self, Cosmo and Us. I don’t do these magazines. They weaken me. I can feel it. They don’t honor the soul. They don’t seek to uplift. In my posts about bulimia, I wrote about how the first healing step I took was to stop reading women’s magazines. I stand by that even today, especially when it comes to self-esteem and envy. I also recommend avoiding mainstream media period.

4 – Ask yourself if you can allow this feeling

This is one of the steps of the Sedona method. When you’re having a jealousy episode, just ask yourself if you can allow it to be there. This one step alone will ease up on the shame and the discomfort. Even if the answer is “no,” then you’re at least acknowledging the feeling. Just keep sitting with it and asking, “Can I allow this to be here? What would happen if I just allowed this feeling to exist for a moment?” I’ve done this. It creates space. It shifts the resistance. It releases the shame. Then the jealous feelings have a chance to move and diffuse.

5 – Find the humor

Once, after I performed on the main stage at a festival, I was standing in the crowd with my friend Steve Seskin. Steve had performed the same day as well. We were watching another act, and the crowd was going crazy. I looked at Steve, and I said, “Look at them. There they were cheering for me and acting like I was the best thing ever. Now they’ve moved on.” And Steve started laughing and he said, “It’s like a lover who’s now in bed with someone else making all the same groans and sounds as she made with me! And I wanna say, “Hey wait! I thought I was the one you loved!” (If you’ve ever seen Steve perform, you know how funny he can be with those kinds of exclamations.)

Sometimes it’s good just to laugh at these things. It’s kind of funny. Anne Lamott wrote a fantastic essay on jealousy in her book Bird by Bird. It’s perfect, and funny, and so real. You don’t have to take it all so seriously.

6 – Ask friends not to agree with you

My belief is that the worst thing a friend can do is to meet you at the level of your jealousy. Agreeing with you that the envied person is, in fact, an undeserving bitch. Or even saying, “Well you’re better than her anyway.” These things don’t heal. They keep you stuck at that level. If you need to talk with someone, then first ask that person to listen and not go there. Or better yet, call someone you know won’t go there. It can feel really nice to have someone bolster you up and tell you that you’re better than so-and-so and that you deserved it more. But it doesn’t clear the emotion. You need to be listened to so that you can move beyond the feelings, not so that you can feel vindicated.

7 – Be creative

The best remedy for any negativity, comparison, jealousy or envy is just to get creative. Write your next blog. Paint your next picture. Play guitar. Do something that makes you proactive. Get out of the reactivity. Creativity is a powerful place. And it shifts everything.

8 – Are you tired, overwhelmed, or hungry?

Being tired or hungry can make you more vulnerable to old patterns. I added the word “overwhelm” to the mix because jealousy can often come up in situations where there’s too much going on and you can’t find your center. Any of these kinds of very physical situations can bring on an episode. Take a nap. Get a good night’s sleep. Eat when you’re hungry. Move away from the overwhelm and get quiet. These are very real things. Especially if you’re an artist or creative type.

9 – Get quiet and centered

Sit still. Be quiet. And just feel the feeling without the story. Feel where the jealousy resides inside of you. Feel the envy without the story of the envy. If you can sit and breathe long enough, then it will pass. I promise. Eckhart Tolle’s book A New Earth is an excellent read when it comes to letting go of the story. So is Byron Katie’s new book A Thousand Names for Joy.

10 – The enneagram

If jealousy and envy are patterns for you, then I would highly recommend looking into the enneagram. Many artists and creative types are the number 4 on the enneagram. The 4 also faces a lot of issues with envy. Just reading about the pattern, and learning to witness it as just that – a pattern – can liberate you in ways that you can’t imagine. The best book on the enneagram is The Wisdom of the Enneagram by Don Riso and Russ Hudson. I can’t recommend this highly enough.

11 – Mastery

Whatever career path you’re on, you have the choice to become a master. Not necessarily of the career or the craft or the art. But of you. That’s what keeps me going. If you want to reach, inspire, help, encourage, heal in any way, most likely it’s going to require that you face your own demons in that process. If jealousy comes up, then it’s a teacher for you. That’s all. Let it be. That’s where your biggest treasures will be.

12 – Remember to focus on where you want to be

Don’t forget the power of intent. Just remember that this is not where you want to be. State out loud, even in your jealousy, “I ultimately want to rejoice in the success and good fortunes of others. I want to be clear and happy. I want to celebrate all victories.” Just knowing that you want this will start you on your way, even if you’re not there yet.

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  • Jessica

    I’ve struggled with jealousy myself, usually in relationship. I like that you pointed out the connection between envy and jealousy. I also like that you pointed out that being jealous doesn’t make you a bad person. We’re often afraid to deal with the things we label “bad.”

  • Mina Kostova

    I got problem avarage well looking person which tries to keep it always positive.I got trough my life a lot of positive attention from people .Today I walked to the store in my country anyways I saw person walking besudes me.Lady that had negative looks I mean she looked ugly insideout.not so much her soul was from hell.She was staring at me on the way to the store.when I reached it and went in for some groceries I noticed her looking towards me.when I reached to the part of the store where she was she freaked out falsely claiming I took her place in line.i was surpriced and didnt say anything well she kept being recklessly rude insulting me.wll I tried convincing her that its not appropriate to talk to me this way and no way I yook her place in line and that was not deserving insults.if eyes could kill I would be dead now.i percieved so much negative energy like she wanted to skin me alive and would enjoy doing this.i got shocked .the women attacked me in team guys got my back.women tend to more jealousy envy and fighting over stupid things.of course I replied very much so this person .I should have hold back my emotions and not suck up the negative thrill she was successfully givinge for no reason

  • Jane

    Actually my torture is I’m being envied ,I can not find a reason but that girls have become more envious than before and also,my care free manner at first make them jealous

    The bad example is about my skin,I used to have a healthy skin without any zits or pimple of my colleagues which turned out to be a friend,had a face full of pimples and although I never said to her directly I always was sad for her and tell my self poor her
    She looked at me with regret and I could feel some hidden emotions as she always was telling me wow what a good skin,what a good body and etc
    After two years of friendship,I could not feel comfortable around her and the condition which is hurting is that now i have got the same skin condition she had and now her skin is glowing,she went to many dermatologist in last two years but she doesn’t like to talk about it,even now that I’m asking her for her last doctor office number,she indirectly refuse to give it
    .It is burning me from inside as the bad skin effect and trying different medicine has not worked for my skin and seeing her telling me” your pimples are getting better and smile” is killing me

    I hate her for all that insincere emotions but I can not tell her nor cut the friendship completely

    It is one of the girls around me example,I wish I had good freinds around me

  • Layla

    I really need help, i really tried so many ways but not successful yet! Actually they are something in my life which not possible to xhange, and i am so upset with them, believe me they are not horrible, just i should say my life has not become what I expected! so i do not feel happy; maybe, if I had not a sister with a great life and was not seeing everyday that she reaches more successes, and whenver I feel pathetic, the same time she calls me with another good news, i was not thinking that my life is horrible! this makes me jealous of her more & more. and reall even not intrested to talk with her or see her; i really feel ashamed because of this, whenever even my mum says something about her, i really get upset, i do not want anybody to talk about her! Please help, i think ibam ruining my life, even my husband has undrestood it, and when we fight , he tells me I should have found a husband like my sister’s! I hate it that my husband feels like this, maybe he is not a successful man, but he is a real nice man!

  • Shannon

    I know it is 2013, but this is the best read, I have read in a long time. Most people also and books, forgive,forgive, love yourself and so on. Thank you


  • Mel

    This is wonderful. I’ve done a lot of soul (and web) searching on this and your thoughts are one of the best things I’ve come across. In particular, I love the avenue inspired by Get Creative – it does change everything!

  • Eve

    I am really struggling with this. Your article gave me something to think about but man, sometimes I get stuck in these periods of envy. Deep, disgruntled, sticky, creaky, “why-do-they-deserve-success-more-than-I-do” ENVY. And I’m the go-to-silver-lining person for everyone in my life. Sometimes I just want to scream and say: I FEEL INJUSTICE AND LACK TOO!!! Why is that not okay, to admit this. I admitted it to my partner the other day and it was as if I morphed right in front of him from the woman he adored to a vile creature. It was so hurtful. Here I am commenting to total strangers because I can’t even share this with the people closest to me without getting their wagging fingers. Which makes it even worse.


    Your ego doesn’t want you to face the actual feeling because it’s so unbearably uncomfortable. So it creates a smoke screen by asking why. This might make you feel even worse, but at least you’re not having to experience the feeling. Feeling bad is sometimes easier than feeling uncomfortable.

    Dear Ms Kane,

    I have been the victim of so many spiteful, envious, jealous situations, I’ve honestly lost count. However I totally disagree with your comments reflected above. The more I ask “WHY” THE BETTER I UNDERSTAND SITUATIONS. In fact had I not asked “why” I would have probably not stumbled across your article in the first place.


  • Jonathan

    Thank you for your blog/article Christine.

    … it helped me out a lot tonight.

    Take care,

  • Emily

    Sometimes people try to make others envious by rubbing things in and bragging. Other times a person is just trying to do the best they can and envious people are road blocks and kick the person down. Envy crushes all compassion and empathy. Often the people who are envious try to make others envy them because it is about power and ego. No one has the right to tell someone how far they can go. No one has the right to make someone stumble because they feel insecure.

  • Angela Rena Houston

    Your “Jealousy and Envy” blog aswered a few questions that I had about dealing with people that can not control you so they become jealous and envious of you. It does seem that women can be more vicious than men when it comes to these emotions but I have found that men harbour the same emotions as women when they can not control their surroundings.

    Thank you

  • Stela Aghenie

    Dealing With Jealousy, you visualize things in your mind, like you’re sure that something is going wrong. For example, if the life partner is not coming home the right time, that he usually comes, you already think that he’s flirting with somebody, or… you think like you’re losing him. That happens because of the lack of trust.

  • Marie Boxworth

    I found this article helpful because I have a friend who is jealous of me. I am never sure what is ok to say or not to say to her and I am tired of trying to protect her feelings, when she makes nasty comments to me about the very things she is jealous of me about. It’s very frustrating. We attempted to lose weight together and be accountable to each other, I lost 16 pounds she lost none and hates me for it. Doesnt want to hear about my success. Well its not my fault she failed, she put the food in her mouth and she didnt work out. I worked damn hard! She should be proud of me not bad mouthing me to co-workers, or better yet say nothing at all. Why should I try to build her up when she puts me down? She critisizes my relaitonship with my spouse ( I have never been happier) and she is miserable with her partner (she tells me all the time). I seriously can’t win with this girl!!

    • Emily

      She doesn’t sound like a friend at all.

  • Dude

    I’m always paranoid that others are envious of me. I’m trying to find out more information on this but most people are envious/jealous of others, which to me seems a bizarre emotion because our self-worth is gauged by God nobody else. I’m always genuinely happy for the successes of others. There are a few reasons why I think this emotion is wrong: 1) comparing people is like comparing bananas, oranges, and apples, etc. God gave all of us different qualities, temperaments, skills etc. and this diversity makes humanity beautiful. 2) our own successes, skills, qualities etc. can be developed infinitely when we look upwards towards God and not horizontally towards others; looking horizontally is a fast way to retard your own progress as well as make yourself miserable, 3) the whole purpose of our existence is to worship God with what we’ve got, and if we have God, we have all things, and if we don’t have God, we don’t have anything, even if we possess all the treasures in the world.

  • mittu bandar

    After a bad break up with a very close friend of mine a few months ago, I haven’t been able to find peace.
    I’m glad I’ve discovered this article, because this envy has been slowly distroying me and has made me a weaker person I think.
    I just hope that I can get rid of it soon, or at least manage it better! Until 2 hours ago, I didn’t even know what the meaning of envy was.. And when I found out what it is, and how much it described me, brought a tear to my eye & it’s opened my mind & I feel better already..
    I was never so madly envious until about 7 months ago, I was quite the opposite!.. It all started with hate, then jealousy, they envy(which is like a lethal mix of all of the bad emotions).. And because I now know, what is wrong with me; I’ll hopefully be able to sort it out.
    Good luck to everyone who is dealing with envy, hate & jealousy, these are (IMHO) some of the worst emotions to get caught up in.
    Thankyou so much Kristine for sharing your knowledge here & helping us, you are a great person & I wish you every happiness, may Godbless you.

  • Vanessa

    Hi Christine, My problem is not being jealous or envious, but having to deal with others like that. I became ill a few years back and had to move in with a close relative, at first she stopped talking to me, then she started telling bad lies to others about me, after that she tried to destroy me by turning the little people that I had left against me. Well, I was still ill so I had to find someone else to live with so I moved. Now I have another problem with the much older woman that actually asked me to move in with her. Almost immediately she started watching and criticizing everything that I do, she tries belittle me at every opportunity and lastly talks to me like I’m stupid, and a child. At this point I have become leary of forming close relationships with other women and don’t like it when someone I know points out anything about my appearance. I was already a conservative dresser, I have stopped wearing makeup and had to stop doing anything to make myself look attractive, trying to make the best of the situation. I’ve done everything that I can do at this point to make this situation better. I have absolutely no idea how to deal with this type of person. I am better and I have started to look for a job so that I can move out on my own. Do you know of anything that I can do to help my current situation. Help!

  • TY

    This was a wonderful post that made me feel much better. I, unfortunately, am someone who takes jealousy to an obsessive level. I became extremely jealous of someone who was supposed to be my best friend when she started getting more attention than me. This ultimately destroyed our friendship completely. *sigh*
    I didn’t really slander her or anything like that, but I’m sure I would have if I thought it would make me “win”. OK, so those of you reading must think I’m a horrible person. Maybe I am. :'(
    But anyway, your post made me feel so much better. Thanks so much 😀

  • Walks The Edge

    Hey Christine, this is my first comment but I’ve visited several times and really enjoy both your content and your writing style.
    Two unrelated comments- first, while I do sometimes experience a stab of envy, I always know this is my issue and put it aside so I can celebrate and truly be happy for others’ successes. Because of this, I’m always taken aback when I discover someone else is resentful of my good fortune or accomplishments. Sometimes friends have dropped me and only later have I discovered that it jealousy was the reason. Do you have any suggestions for dealing with others’ jealousy?
    Second, in terms of dealing with your own envy and jealousy, the Martha Beck made a great point in her book Finding Your Own North Star. What you envy can be a clue that can help you clarify your purpose/passions/desires in life. If I’m envious of Oprah, I may not necessarily be able to become just like her, but I can break it down and see that what I envy is the way she follows her own passions. Then I’m more aware of how important it is that I find a way to follow my own passions. If I’m envious because someone is a successful musician, I might take it as a clue that part of my dream involves creativity, music or just plain success. If we can stop judging ourselves for these feelings, they can become valuable sources of information, as all emotions are. Thanks for your great work!

  • Tammy Vitale

    have just discovered I can get here through googling you and then following one of those link. that makes today a very good day. =]

  • mxphile

    A lovely post, Christine, and I couldn’t agree more with you. With regard to ml’s comments, I too am not a jealous or envious person and I’ve experienced the same thing. My thoughts are, as a society, we are so trained to have a knee-jerk response of feeling envy that we *expect* others to respond to us this way. Maybe *not* reacting the way you are expected to is a breach of some kind of social contract that makes you fair game to those who find value in the cycles of envy and jealousy.

    In meeting strangers who have had good fortune, I’ve been honestly and openly happy for them. In almost all cases, I get a double take of surprise. In some cases, after the surprise has passed, the person is openly pleased and begins to talk more about their good fortune and maybe I’ve made a new friend. In other cases, the person is clearly uncomfortable and he or she doesn’t know how to proceed.

    There are so many different personalities in this world and just as many ways of perceiving and interacting with events and other people. Just keep looking, ml, for friends who share your values and your world view. You may well be attracting jealous and envious people into your life. But as Christine pointed out, looking for the why isn’t as important as simply recognizing that it happens and choosing to move in a different direction. There are a lot of good people out there who would feel honored to have you as a friend.

  • Christine Kane

    hi djuro – okay, now i want strawberries! 🙂

    thanks for adding your thoughts, barb. and hey, congrats on making the smiley happen. we’re all learning to do big things in this blog!

    hi tammy – you need to get your own webguy so you can call him and say things that make him roll his eyes – the way i do with my webguy. thanks for your thoughts!

    hiya jennifer! (hey everybody – this is jennifer louden, author of many great books. we’re doing a retreat (and performance) together in chattanooga next month) I’m SO looking forward to working with you, jennifer. thanks for stopping by!

  • Jennifer Louden

    Wow, I get to be on the same stage with you? Okay, I’m feeling more than intimidated … Did I even spell it right?

    We certainly have in common letting our truth hangout. I cannot wait to hear you, listen to you, and buy your music!!!!

    I may be too shy to actually read on the same stage as you. 🙂

  • Tammy Vitale

    so much good stuff here. So thankful Leah linked – it seems I can get here through links! (why can’t I get here from my own link?!!! oh, the questions of the world). I love the reminder I am not my jealousy. Or envy (or anger or anything). Those are just feelings. Take a breath. Life is going very fast right now. Thank you for this bit of respite.

  • barb

    hey how did that happen? this computer is too scary. bb

  • barb

    just want to echo Christine’s recommendation of Tolle’s book.
    All the book’s on Christine’s list that I have read are now all pointing in the same direction: observe your self and feelings and know that you are experiencing them and then you can “change”. sorry this is not too understandable, but keeping reading from the list and the blog and it will become clearer. Okay Christine you can pay me now 🙂 still can’t make yellow smiley faces. barb

  • djuro

    Tough topic, great insights! Christine, you’re wise!
    In my experience, jealousy can be of great help if you don’t let it consume your mind. If I become envy of someone, and acccept the feeling, soon I will clearly see what I’m missing at that point. It’s like craving for fruit in the spring. I lack vitamins, and seeing someone eating strawberries makes me salivate. After that, I know I’ve been neglecting vitamins and that I should go and get myself some strawberries too. I don’t salivate over the person. Just strawberries.

  • Christine Kane

    Thanks Seventh Sister – It’s great that you can see it all so clearly.

    Hi Petra, I’m glad this opens up some doors for you. That’s why I write! Thanks for your thoughts!

  • Petra

    Wow, this is a big, important post. Jealousy and envy (and competitiveness) can ultimately be so damningly crushing, because I read everything negative into those feelings (not measuring up, being a “bad” person for feeling jealous, guilt for feeling envious or guilt for gossiping about the person I envy in order to avoid those uncomfortable feelings–counterproductive, because all I do is trade one uncomfortable feeling for another). But I never thought of those feelings as teachers! Or to just let myself experience them without overanalysis. This is actually quite a revelation for me.

  • seventh sister

    Such a good topic. Jealousy and envy are things most of us deal with on some level. They are good teachers. Whenever I am aware of these feeling, I ask myself what that person really has that I think I want. Then I look at the “gap” between me and whatever it is and try to find a way to close the gap. If I can’t identify something that they have that I want or want more of, then I look to see if they are mirroring something in me that I really don’t want to see, which is sometimes the case. Then I really have something to explore.

  • Christine Kane

    ml, hmm. I don’t know what that’s about. I have to say that I have wildly supportive friends now. Part of my learning has been witnessing how great it feels to have someone get excited for my successes. So, I’m not sure what to say about this one. As you stated in your comment, it’s definitely something to ask yourself “how am I attracting this?” (not in a blame-y way.) It might reveal something you never thought of. (Maybe just the belief that “the more I support them, the more they treat me with disrespect…”)

    m, great thoughts. thanks for adding to this. julia cameron has some exercises in the artist’s way about doing the thing that you’re jealous of… and it’s a good thing to do. the “getting to know the person you’re jealous of” might work in some instances, but might not in others. for instance, i’m not sure someone who’s jealous of, say, oprah, can apply that one! 😀

  • m

    I found two things that helped. One is to try and give myself whatever it was that I was jealous of sometimes more difficult than just buying a thing. Or at least acknowledging that was what I wanted instead of denying it it.The second thing I found helped was to get to know the person who you are jealous of better! Its then that one is able to see th difficult and hard parts of a person’s life which are normally hidden.

    • Kate

      wow I’m sorry but I have to disagree with this. how would you feel if someone you knew was trying to get to know you better so they could figure out the hard parts of your life so they could feel like you aren’t so great after all? I have experienced that recently and it’s not nice. It’s not nice to realize someone is asking me all sorts of questions to try and find a weakness in me. so she can look at me and feel better about herself simply by knowing that something about my life sucks.

      the best way to get over your feelings of envy is to look at yourself and fix whatever you think is missing. don’t look for a weakness in the other person just so you can feel better. that’s not nice.

  • Ml

    I can honestly, without a doubt, say that I’m neither a jealous person, nor do I envy anyone. I do celebrate other people successes in a very honest way, and I do feel happy for them. The thing that I’ve noticed, though, is the more happy I am for people and the more I celebrate their successes and support them, the more they treat me with disrespect and jealously. The more they want me to fail. Why? What is it that I’m doing to bring this kind of treatment back on myself? I know I’m doing something to attract this kind of treatment, but I still haven’t figured out what I’m doing.

    I’ve just started reading your blog and it’s just excellent!

    • Emily

      Very often people are envious of those who are content with their lives. If you aren’t envious, you emit a peacefulness that sours many people but don’t change. But stay away from people who are mean to you because you are kind.

  • Christine Kane

    Hi Susanne, You’re absolutely right about that. I, too, used to go to concerts in college and right out of college, and I’d leave feeling miserable and lost and jealous. And that doesn’t happen anymore. (On occasion it does — when someone is just REALLY good, and something in me gets triggered.) But that’s why I made “Be Creative” one of the steps. When you actually take something on that inspires you, then you lose those parts of you that sit around and “wish.” Thanks for the thoughts.

    Thanks Christi! I’m glad this helps in some way. (and thanks for your kind words.)

  • Christi

    This is my first comment, but I wanted to let you know how much your words help me. This post on jealousy, in particular, comes to me at a time when I really need it. Thank you so much, for this post as well as for your entire blog. You’re like a wise friend I’ve never met, giving clues that help me to find the way home.

  • Susanne

    When I started reading this entry at first I thought you might be talking about me, but while I’d say you’re a role model for me I’m not jealous (see, I’m nice…).

    I found that envy and jealousy is much more about me than about the person I’m jealous of. I try to stop myself and look at what’s lacking in my life. Then try to create more of that. I was full of spite, envy and jealousy when I only dreamed about being creative. When I sat in the audience and wanted to be the one on stage. Only last week I went to a concert and for the first time ever I didn’t want to be up there. I was happy sitting and listening. Because I know that if I really wanted it that much I’d find a way to do it.

    And often I found that people I was envious of, at the same time were envious of me. Each one wanting what she didn’t have. That’s ridiculous.

    I like it that jealousy evokes your compassion. I’ll have to think about that a little more.