What To Do When You’re Scared of Being Called a Bitch

It’s an insidious fear. It preys on many of my clients.  It gets confessed at the mic at my events. Or sometimes with a glass of wine after a mastermind retreat.

It’s the age-old fear of being called a bitch.  And it festers no matter how wealthy, successful or strong someone appears.

Of course, some people pride themselves on this label.

I’m friends with someone on Facebook who posts multiple times a week some kind of in-your-face rant about how she’s a bitch, bitch, and she’s okay with that, and if you’re not, you can just get the hell out of her life.

Okay fine. Whatever.

But consider this.

What’s at stake here is clarity.  And when you run your own business, clarity is non-negotiable.

That means you have to know exactly who your ideal client is – and say no to anyone who is not.

You have to value yourself with premium pricing – and release anyone who gets upset with you for what you charge.

You have to be able to hire only the best person for the position – and let go of the person who doesn’t carry his weight.

In other words, at some point, when you’re clear, someone is going to think you are a bitch.

And here’s the thing.

Clarity doesn’t have a horse in this race.  Clarity has nothing to do with the bitch debate.

So I’m not saying don’t be a bitch.  But I’m not saying be one.  Or that you even are one.

What I’m saying is that your clarity operates in a playing field way outside of labels, judgments and arguments.

Clarity is just clarity.  It’s not a personal affront to anyone. It simply means that there exists this one thing you will say yes to.  And it means that you will have to say no to all the other things that are not that one thing.

If someone wants to create a story that you’re a bitch, well, that’s their story.  You don’t have to read it. (Clarity doesn’t.)

Most of us have spent our lives dodging the consequences of our clarity.  The biggest consequence being that people might not like us. And so we’ve trained our brains and ourselves, to make decisions and have responses all in an attempt to manage the impressions other people have of us.

In order to avoid being a bitch:

  • We lie.
  • We fake.
  • We manipulate.
  • We exaggerate.
  • We tell stories.
  • We pretend we’re interested.
  • We take on commitments we don’t want to do.
  • We don’t take care of ourselves.
  • We play small.
  • We don’t celebrate our accomplishments.
  • We don’t speak up.
  • We eat food we don’t really like.
  • We go to events we don’t want to go to.
  • We overeat.
  • We over-schedule.
  • We overwork.

One thing I’ve discovered over and over when clients first start working with me is this:

They are so accustomed to playing games, that they’ve trained themselves out of being clear without even knowing it.

So when we feel like “bitches,” it’s often because we’ve pushed ourselves to the point where we have to fight people for our own right to clarity.  We’ve forced ourselves into a corner, and into an aggressive stance.

(And make no mistake. We’ve done it to ourselves.)

You don’t have to do that anymore. Step out of the ring. Put down the gloves. Drop the labels. You don’t have to fight for your clarity.  (You don’t have to fight for anything, really.) You don’t have to rant on Facebook. Or pride yourself on being a bitch.

Just be clear. And then, act on it.  And then do it again. People who crave drama will go away.  And those who remain will be stellar.

  • Stacey Pruim

    Christine – you nailed it. This is so great. Brought such a grin to my face. It’s pure CK – simple, profound, calling out the things we think and don’t even know we are. Thank you. Because even after we’ve figured this one out, it sneaks back in, doesn’t it… if you don’t remain clear, or if you aren’t clear in that next level… Seeing that Cairn stack again… and hearing “Oh! There I am again.”

  • Ms Castle

    Greetings, just what I needed as I move forward on my journey. Thanks for sharing!

  • Kelly

    And this is why, in a sea of noise about building a “6 figure business” I stay subscribed to your newsletter, and feel like we are two friends at the edge of “the party” sharing a big juicy and oh-so-true secret.

    Kudos, as always. ❤️

  • JANE

    Thank you. You totally nailed it.

  • Cathy Gormanson

    WOW! Love, Love, Love this! Be clear about your intentions and the bitching falls away.

  • Laura

    Thank you for sharing your clarity.😊

  • Shelly

    Thank you for this..I worry to much about what others think. I am getting stronger in this area..

  • Tara

    So, I get what this looks like with clients, but what about volunteer positions when you are on a team with poor leadership. I hate feeling like the “bad guy” in trying to get the leader to allow others to contribute, when the leader just wants to control the whole process themselves. Any advice?

    • Christine Kane

      Tara – Really hard to give advice without knowing the specifics. It doesn’t necessarily sound like a “bitch” issue as it does a full on communications challenge involving much ego. Start small with changes you can actually implement.

  • Heléna Kurçab

    I have reached the stage where I insist on being myself because I know it is the only way I can help people, and I know my motive is always to do so, if I can.
    So, my manta is “I want to be Fascinating or Frustrating…….but not Forgettable. 🙂

  • Tammy

    I eat whatever I am served, to be fussy is to be a bitch.
    When asked to take on extra work as a “team player” I do, I don’t want to be a bitch.
    When my (adult) kids want me to pay for something, I do, so I’m not a bitch.
    My friends want me to give them references, I say I will so they won’t think I’m a bitch.
    I don’t agree with what someone says or does. I smile and don’t disagree. To disagree is to be a bitch.

    It is all because I don’t know what I want.

    How do you find that out? How do you know what you want when you’ve been dancing around everyone else’s wants for so long?

    • Christine Kane

      That is a process Tammy. But one worth engaging in. I would start by doing the Morning Pages. Have you ever read The Artist’s Way? I would honestly start there.

  • C.René

    Perfect! I need every word of this as I’m in the beginning stages of launching my business.

  • Kathryn

    Clarity. I like that.

  • Onserio

    Hi,I like your advice,and I love you dear!

  • Georgiana

    I love this. The feeling of clarity, of knowing, and acting on that feeling/knowing has been key for me as I’ve grown my business. I’m often afraid to stand in my clarity when confronted, but whenever I do, it always works out in the end. ☺️